The Sexism Men Face During Their Job Search

While I primarily coach women in sharpening leadership skills and navigating job searches, I’m currently supporting several men in these efforts. They typically come to me via referral and I joke with them and those referring that if they make it through my uber female-focused website, they’re my kind of guys. Reflective, open, willing to be vulnerable and uncomfortable. Coachable.

I know some women in my audience—having fought for every role, every relationship within their network, every dollar they earn—may look at this headline and think, "Cry me a river. White men hoard the power in this country. If you’re a white man, what’s wrong with you that you haven’t figured this out?"

And that’s exactly the sentiment my clients are met with on their searches, in their networking and even within their families. If they don’t come out of the gate radiating clarity and confidence—the sniff test is often unforgiving.

That’s why, when I work with male clients, we name the sexism at play and call out the systemic issues that they need to understand and confidently move through as they navigate their search.

In our work, here are some of the stereotypes we call out:

1. If men take career breaks to raise children (or parental leave for that matter!), it’s a red flag that they weren’t "good workers" or "successful" in their careers prior to having kids.

2. Regardless of whether their partners work, men are still considered the "earners" in the relationship, so when they are not in a position to bring in money, they can offer little else to the partnership and to their communities. 

3. Financially, the approach must be linear. They must stay on their career tracks to increase their salaries and if they take less money or stay the same in order to make a transition—it can appear weak, unambitious or impulsive.

While I know that these biases are present in the workforce and come up for my clients, the overwhelming focus is on others and external noise. That’s my cue to hold up the mirror so they can see what drives, motivates and differentiates them as human beings of any gender. Stereotypes take over when your mental game is not strong, when you’re unclear of your story and your intentions for how you want to design your career and your life.

So, that’s where we begin. In order to navigate this landscape, the men who work with me must be open to diving into their values and their priorities for the life they want to build. Once that’s clear, it can become the new narrative propelling them forward. It can be what inspires them to leap the landmines that are still present—but are beginning to feel like opportunities to strengthen resilience and resolve.

Changing This One Thing Will Bring You Momentum In Your Job Search

Clients come to me at all stages of their job search.

From the beginning as they brainstorm what’s next while they’re in roles they like.

To the post figuring-it-out moment where they’re reworking how they’ll position themselves for specific opportunities.

To the dreaded—I’ve been searching for a year. I’ve done everything. Met everyone. And I still don’t have a job.

As you can imagine, the last scenario is the most challenging. And it’s not because these folks are unemployable. Many in this category are talented, skilled and highly marketable candidates. But there’s one thing that separates them from their less experienced counterparts who are swimming in potential opportunities.

Persistent and punishing self-judgement.

The judgement has a wide spectrum of flavors:

What’s wrong with me that I was laid off after working so hard for so many years?

I’m [insert arbitrary age]! Why don’t I have this figured out by now?!

I WILL NOT let myself take a walk or have lunch with a friend until I’ve sent out 5 resumes today—even if I’m sending them to companies where I have zero contacts.

My family needs my income and I’m letting them down.

It’s never going to happen for me. Never.

When I hear these harsh words I know—sure there could be some tweaking of an elevator pitch or a resume, but that’s not what’s holding up the process. The change that MUST be made—and the one that will make all the difference—is a mindset shift.

Here’s a path to making this change:

1. It starts with awareness: noticing the judgmental moments as they arise. What are the physical symptoms you feel when you are punishing yourself?

2. Think about what you would say to a younger version of you or a child in your life who is berating his or herself in this way. Something that is compassionate, forgiving and loving. One example that I came up with for myself on a personal front recently is, "Kindness FTW."

3. Next, practice. As many times as you can muster during the first 24 hours, then a week, then ongoing, replace your negative thoughts with your compassionate words.

4. Breathe through it.

5. Notice where you have resistance. Either via free writing, talking to friends or professionals, begin to investigate where that resistance may come from and where it may have held you back in the past.

6. Keep on going with your search while looking for shifts in how you’re feeling, or new results you’re getting with this approach. What’s possible now?

While you may not get the job within the first week of making this change (though in some cases you may), one immediate result is that you will begin to feel better. Once you release the pressure, you can give yourself permission to do the things that bring you joy before (or instead of) sending resumes into the ether. You will begin to rewrite the narrative about why this has taken the amount of time it has at the age that you are. Perhaps that story includes the opportunity to make this very shift in how you show up for yourself. Once you regain control of your story, you can begin to see that this IS possible for you. It will happen. And that’s when it does.

What's The Creative Brief For Your Career?

Fifteen years ago, when my (now) husband and I sat down to plan our wedding, we agreed—the first step we needed to take was obvious.

In order to come up with the answers for what kind of wedding we wanted to have, we needed to ask the right questions.

And so, as two marketers making our union official—we wrote a creative brief. Romantic, I know.

In our brief, we asked:

• What’s our goal?

• What would make the wedding feel like a success?

• How do we want the celebration to make us feel?

• What feelings do we want to bring out in our people?

• And by the way…who are our people and who are they to us?

• What adjectives would we use to describe what we want to create?

The brief kept us on task, on-brand and in lock step as a couple throughout the planning process. When families, vendors or random people with opinions pushed too hard on their hopes and dreams for the event, we always came back to the brief. It was a reminder of our intention to build something together that was authentically us. Not just the wedding. The marriage.

We’ve come back to this approach various times in our lives. After the births of both of our daughters, we wrote briefs on how we wanted those first postpartum weeks to feel. Everyone seemed to fall in line except for the babies. Go figure.

Now, in my work with clients in career transitions, I use the creative brief for a fresh look at what they want to build in this next chapter, asking:

• What will success look like in your career, right now, in this stage of your life?

• Why are you doing this work?

• What problems in the world do you want to solve?

• Who do you want to help?

• How are you uniquely positioned to do this work?

• Who’s on your support team? Who’s not?

• How do you want to feel on a typical day in your work?

• How do you want to make others feel?

• If your work had a single message, what would it be?

• What’s the tone of how that message is delivered?

• What are your non-negotiables in your work? And your nice-to-haves?

I have come to appreciate using the career creative brief in my own work and business because as I discuss often, I like ideas. I’m prone to epiphanies. I fall in love…a lot. The brief helps me focus and gives me criteria for evaluating my ideas. It gives me a way to either connect them to what I want—or to say, "Yes, that is a clever idea, but I’m not going to be the one to bring it to life." Writing a brief is a way for you to declare—this is what you want and who you want to be in your work. And it’s a way to remind you of this unique design when you act like a human and veer off your path.

A Gradual Start To The New Year Works Too

I’m the kind of woman who typically likes to kick start the year with a bang.

A big commitment.

An unthinkable goal.

A vow to turn things upside down.

That said, I don’t practice the art of resolution-making. Instead, I choose a word that will be my organizing principle for the year.

My focus, my mantra.

This year, for a multitude of reasons, my word is PEACE.

It has already influenced my approach to life as I step into the first week of this new decade.

My brain is not currently flooded with dozens of topics for new posts and pieces I want to share with you. Instead, I’ve had a few moments over the past two weeks where I sat down to write, and nothing appeared. Blank mind. Blank page. Nothing.
I did not go to a dark place. I chose to believe I truly needed a break. A refuel. Time to go out and be with the people I love. To experience life and be inspired.

I gave myself permission to simply be where I am: in a slow beginning.

To see the meticulously planned new year’s marketing barrages and authoritative voices of every other coach in my industry—and to absorb an authentic, confident message that I’m not there. I’m in a quiet place.

While most companies in our midst are egging us on to make quick and drastic changes because it’s January, I know that thoughtful, consistent and gradual shifts are what cause lasting transformation.

It’s okay if you don’t have your goals for the year mapped out yet.

First comes the thinking and the space for you. Next comes the goals that are true to where you are in this moment, and not where every “new year, new you” campaign tells you that you should be.

As I’m experiencing this year, easing in is an absolutely valid and respectable way to start. Without the pressure of exploding out of the gate, the ideas are beginning to flow again. I can see that there’s an endless supply when I listen to what I truly need. And for right now, peace is my guide to finding it.