Build Your Castle

Written by Guest Blogger, Ashley Rigby

One evening, shortly after finishing dinner, while sitting at the kitchen counter with my two young kids, my husband was doing the dishes across from us. 

"Ugh, I need a back massage", I whined.

To which my husband replied, "I’ll give you one later".

"What?!", blurted my 6-year-old daughter,

She continued, "Dad makes us dinner, cleans up after us, and next he’s going to give you a back massage?!"

I looked her straight in the face and simply said, "girl, build the castle in which you want to live". She didn’t say another word. 

I repeated the story to my Mother. She loved it, and shortly thereafter had a bracelet made for my 35th birthday with the inscription, "Build Your Castle". I’ve worn that bracelet every day since, and have had that mindset, all my life. With lots of support and help from others, I’ve built a successful career, friendships and family...wonderful, challenging and fulfilling works in progress. 

However, this past October, I found myself struggling. My "works" weren’t crumbling, but I wasn’t sure what I was building professionally. Why am I working this hard? Is this really what I should be doing for the rest of my life? Do I even like what I’m doing? I was lost. I was depressed. While on a business trip for professional development course required by my fabulous employer, I had mental meltdown. I knew I needed help. 

Rachel and I first met several years ago, while members of a local running club, just as she about to leave corporate America and launch her coaching business. I thought she was pretty amazing then, just as much as I do now. Although we only stayed in touch through social media, and hadn’t seen one another in years, I knew she would be a perfect starting place. 

We spoke over the phone at the airport, while en route home from the training and met in person shortly thereafter for coaching sessions. We talked it through. And I wrote about it. She questioned me and my thinking. Then, I hashed out. Over days. Over weeks. We made some connections. And dug a little deeper. Payed attention a little more. Our coaching sessions didn’t conclude with a concrete answer, but the overall understanding and belief that I need to spend more time doing what I love. 

My "aha" moment was when she reminded me that "it’s all in me". 

I am a connector. A networker. A hostess. A good friend and entertainer. I am a community builder. I wasn’t sure what that meant for my current or future career; all I knew is that needed to spend more time doing it. I was inspired. I was motivated. 
With that motivation, I registered my Sister and I for the NYC Girlboss Rally. We brainstormed ideas, hustles, blogs, businesses over lunch and hours-long professional headshot lines. We have five kids under the age of seven between the two of us, and could have stayed in that line for days without complaint, ‘cause we were lovin’ on our brains, our badassery and the fact that our kids were with our husbands for 12 uninterrupted hours (AMAZING!). 

I will remember that day forever. It was there, that Jam Program was born. Jam Program is a passion project, a side-hustle and a creative outlet for my Mom, my Sister and I. Our daughters are joining us for the ride, too. We left the rally with name ideas (luckily, my sister’s secret talent is naming things….kids, pets, parties, blogs, companies, etc.) and a loose understanding of the product, experience, service it would provide. 

We knew…
The focus would be multi-generational
The focus would be on girls and women
The focus would be on story-telling and sharing
The focus would be on connecting
The focus would be on supporting
The focus would be on doing
The experience would be unique 

Since December, we have hosted monthly networking Jamborees (in the homes of "Jamborettes") with over 100 participants dispersed between NYC and Connecticut. Our aim is to build multi-generational networks and communities in attempt to create a "modern village"; a place where we help one another, support one another, give, take, and swap skills, stories, struggles and hustles. 

Jam Program is only several months old but we’ve been having fun and working hard to build something deeply meaningful to us and hopefully, our communities. 

Ashley Rigby is Sales Manager for Herman Miller, Inc. a research-based, furniture manufacturer and has been a contributor to the architecture and design community for over 14 years. She is considered a subject-matter expert on learning space design and designing for the growth-mindset, sharing her research and thoughts on the topic at The New School, Fashion Institute of Technology, Cornell University, University of Michigan, University of Connecticut in addition to over 50 architecture and design firms. When she's not in the classroom for work, her kids or otherwise, she's exploring New York City with her family, throwing parties in their postage-stamp-sized backyard and doing way too much laundry. She is at her best when helping others cultivate a growth-mindset, develop diverse networks and inspiring personal and professional communities.

Conquer Impostor Syndrome By Defining The Leader You Already Are

If you’re the only woman in the room, I see you. If you’re fresh off a promotion and feel paralyzed about your next step, I’ve been in your shoes. If you know you must give intense feedback to a member of your team, but you keep avoiding him, there’s a way through this. If you’re the one senior leader on your team without an advanced degree, your knowledge base may feel oh so small compared to everyone else (but remember so is your debt!). 

These are the moments we feel the insidious impostor syndrome that tells us, 

"I don’t know what the F I’m doing." 

"I should have partied less in college." 

"I don’t belong here." 

Our desire to belong in a room, on a team, at a company, in a family is core to who we are, and yet we confuse belonging with fitting it. In her latest book, Braving the Wilderness and in an article for Oprah.com, my spirit guide, Brené Brown, digs into the difference between these two concepts. 

"Belonging is not fitting in. In fact, fitting in is the greatest barrier to belonging. Fitting in, I've discovered during the past decade of research, is assessing situations and groups of people, then twisting yourself into a human pretzel in order to get them to let you hang out with them. Belonging is something else entirely—it's showing up and letting yourself be seen and known as you really are—love of gourd painting, intense fear of public speaking and all." 

So, if the impostor syndrome that plagues us is simply a mask for our desire to belong, and our path to belonging is allowing ourselves to be seen as who we truly are, then our task here is straight forward. We must uncover who we are and translate that into the leaders we want to be. Here’s how I work with clients to create a Leadership Statement to do just that. 

1. Define your values
Choose 5 core values that guide your life. If you’re struggling to come up with 5, a simple Google search will provide you some lists of values you can use as a starting point. My values: Courage, Connection, Inspiration, Peace, Fun.

2. Identify your strengths
What are your superpowers? For what do people naturally seek you out? Choose 3-5 strengths—and if you’re in a place right now where it feels like you don’t do anything well—ask 5 people what they see as your strengths. I find these responses both eye opening and validating! My strengths: Motivating others, Storytelling, Connecting people and companies and pets and…

3. Crystalize your Why
Why do you wake up in the morning? What makes you tick? Who do you want to serve? What problem do you want to solve in the world? If you don’t have this nailed down, go to Simon Sinek’s popular TED Talk for inspiration and clarity. My why: Get more women into positions of power. 

4. Put it all together
Now, throw it at the wall and make it stick together. Don’t worry about using every word that came up in the process. You need not be too literal here. 

As a storyteller, connector and motivator, I’m driven by my courage to seek inspiration in all people and to help them become the best versions of themselves. Fueled by words and transformations, I rise each morning to make a more equal world for my two daughters, by amplifying women’s voices and getting more women into positions of power. 

5. Practice
Before that big meeting, critical presentation, negative feedback session, wedding toast—read your statement. Remind yourself of who you are. Be THAT person, unapologetically. 

Once you decide to stop trying to be John who kills every presentation with his hilarious stories or Anna who wow’s the audience with her meticulous data and research—incredible things begin to happen. You begin to lean into what you do best. And people will notice. They will see how comfortable you are in your skin or they will think you look great, but won’t know why. This is what it’s like to truly do you. It’s self-acceptance. It’s belonging. And while impostor syndrome will never completely go away, your access to your true self will always be your path to conquering it. 

If you’d like some extra support in overcoming your imposter syndrome and taking the reins in your career, reach out to schedule a complimentary Clarity Call with me at rachelbgarrett.com/coaching

If You Want Pay Parity, You Must Talk About Money

One beautiful spring day last year, I met up with another coach for a chat in Union Square Park over lattes. She’d been in business five years longer than me, and we began talking through our corporate workshop and training options. I was floored, relieved and grateful when she broke down her costs for a 2-hour workshop, a full day training and multiple day training programs. 

That sunny conversation sparked me to continue to go beyond my learned discomfort with talking through the details of rates and costs, and forge forward with those challenging conversations with other practitioners I trust and respect. Armed with the knowledge of my market value and where I uniquely fit into the spectrum of my clients’ needs, I can now approach my clients fully prepared, confident and ready to help them visualize the ways in which we can work together to change the lives of their employees. 

In my work with individuals interviewing for new roles or on the cusp of a promotion—the value of these candid conversations is immeasurable. 

You must do your research before negotiating. We’re in an environment where companies are committing to gender pay parity. Your most recent salary is NOT the most important variable in this equation. In fact, some states including, New York State, have made it illegal to ask about salary history in your interview process for this very reason. 

Here are the ways you can do your research before you have the conversation about your salary or raise. 

1. Talk to friends and colleagues
When I bring this up, many clients say, “I could NEVER do that.” If you want to make more money and take a leap toward your financial independence, I highly recommend you get over it and learn how to reframe your question with both your male and female friends. You can tell your friend, the following:

“I have a feeling I might be underpaid at my company and I’m asking around to get a range of what other firms would be paying someone at my level.”

“As part of the current conversation about helping women get to pay parity, one step is for us to be transparent with each other about our salary ranges so that we can arm each other with our market value and support each other in being paid what we’re worth.” 

2. Reach out to recruiters in your industry
Connect with some recruiters in your field and if possible cultivate relationships with them. Reach out to them and ask for salary ranges for specific titles/roles at companies of a specific size. Salaries for Product Manager roles will obviously be different at startups than at companies like Google, so be clear about the size of the firm you’re targeting in your research. 

3. Online research
This is typically the only tactic clients take in doing salary research and while I think it’s important, these websites should not be your only sources. Here are some of the sites I like best:

a. Glassdoor.com
b. Salary.com
c. Payscale.com
d. Comparably.com
e. Fairygodboss.com

As you practice talking about money with your close-in circle, you will gain a fluency and deeper comfort that will empower you to engage in important organizational conversations in order to take the salary jumps you desire in your career. If you feel truly stuck and unwilling to have these conversations, I encourage you to begin some deeper reflection on how your stories and beliefs about money may be holding you back. Wonderful resources on this subject are the books, Money: A Love Story (Kate Northrup) and Overcoming Underearning (Barbara Stanny). You have the ability to re-channel the power that money has over you into a power that can work for you. As women striving toward parity, this is our part of the work that needs to be done to get there. 
 

When Success Feeds Your Fear

A few months ago, I wrote a piece that was truly resonating with my audience. I was moved and beyond grateful for every personal reply I received from my newsletter and each comment from second and third degree connections on LinkedIn. And yet all of this emotion washed over me while I was staring at a blank screen on one of my scheduled mornings to write. 

I was in my favorite writing coffee shop with a great table and the perfect amount of coffee in my cup—but I fought every word my brain presented before my fingers had a chance to type them. I wouldn’t let them appear on that pristine page. They were both uninspired and grotesque. Since the time I’ve begun regularly writing, my process has been to push through. Even if I end up with one good paragraph that can later be salvaged, even if I check my email (including my promotions folder) a hundred times for a break from the struggle, I keep going. I writhe through and it’s not pretty. 

During this battle, as I checked email after email with kind words about my writing, my panic grew. 

They think I know what I’m talking about. Wait until they see this one. 

I’ll never be able to write anything as good as that last piece. 

They’ll unsubscribe, un-follow, un-like, un-everything. 

After taking some deep breaths and watching a few videos of puppies, I rescued my self-esteem and creativity from the clutches of my inner critic and thought, "maybe this next blog post will suck, but the one after that could be my best yet." 

I became acutely aware that my success was feeding my inner critic Sea Salt Caramel Talenti on a silver spoon—and that broke me out of my moment of paralysis. I quickly downgraded my experience by realizing the level of pressure best-selling authors must feel when writing their next book. This was simply a blog post—why was it affecting me like this? 

I now recognize that when you succeed at something you love and want to continue, it raises the stakes and adds a level of pressure you didn’t see coming. Sadly, we often sabotage that success by doing things like listening to our inner critic voice when it tells us that we’re shit writers or leaders or [insert something you desperately want to be]. In Gay Hendricks powerful book, The Big Leap, he calls it, "The Upper Limit Problem." 

I’m learning to manage my own Upper Limit Problem, by doing a few key things:

1. Remove perfectionism: 
I give myself the room for some posts to be winners and some to be well, not as winning. It’s like when you’re training for a 10K or half marathon. Sometimes you’re going to go out for a run that feels terrible. I had a trainer once call it a "junk run." Even if it felt bad in the moment, I was still proud I finished it and stuck with it. 

2. Acknowledge the fear: 
I spend some time with my fear. I ask myself, "Why is it scary when people appreciate my writing? What’s the worst thing that could happen? What am I afraid to become?" And I see what answers I find. 

3. Switch gears: 
For the next piece I write after a success, I choose a topic that is completely different. If the success was in a personal, vulnerable piece, I write something that is more tactical. By choosing something that is completely out of the realm of my latest success, I can provide myself with a clear canvas to start anew. 

As I continue to practice this approach and move through my fears, I’m also finding relief and renewed creativity by focusing on the work and not the response. Whether it’s positive or negative, the response gives me some data about how my work is resonating in the world, but it doesn’t mean anything about me personally. I practice distancing myself from both the criticism and the praise, so I can give space to the questions that drive my curiosity, as well as the challenges I see come up in my work with clients. 

I’m not going to lie, it feels great to be praised for something I’ve always loved to do, but at the end of the day—that’s not what’s going to fulfill my mission of getting more women into positions of power. It’s the work, the consistency and the showing up in the good and bad moments that will fuel my resolve and progress toward that end.