Flexibility And Advancement Are Not Opposites

As I support more women in the throws of balancing teary morning school drop-offs with intense C-suite executive presentations and the dinner, homework, bedtime-pushback trifecta—it’s clear—flexibility is one ticket to keeping some semblance of sanity. But for the subset of women who love what they do, are loyal to their organization and are respected for their work, they often feel like the conversation around flexibility is the career kiss of death. This all or nothing mindset can lead them to keep pushing hard, ignoring the tug to spend more time with family, or completely give up on this seemingly un-ending, un-winnable race they’re running. They opt-out. Or they move to part-time schedules believing they’ve effectively put their careers into neutral. 

In her December 2016 Atlantic Monthly piece, “The Ambition Interviews”, Rebecca Rosen identified the women falling into these three groups as: High Achievers, Opt-outers and Scale-backers. In reading the article with my coffee one Friday morning, it dawned on me that our answers in learning more about the next phase of this conversation is within the experiences of this Scale-backer group. We have a lifetime of examples for how to be the hard-driving High Achiever group that staffs up with full-time plus help to make it work. We call those examples men. And on the flipside, women have been staying home or opting out of work since the beginning of women working. We know how that’s done. But it’s that middle group that we’re just figuring out. We don’t have clear role models or mentors for how to do this well without “burning the candle at both ends” as Rosen puts it.

Rosen states that the women in the Scale-backer group “… hadn’t lost their ambition; instead they’d changed the definition of the word. They saw that ambition takes many forms, only one of which is becoming CEO. While everyone may have started out with lofty career goals, many also had lofty personal goals; ambition doesn’t stay in a neatly contained career-goals-only box. Just as many of our classmates had previously aspired to be the best in their chosen field, they now wanted to be the best mother, the best partner, the best everything else.” 

While I see this to be true in some of my clients—with many others, I continue to see their ambition rub up against a resignation that flexibility removes the possibility of advancement—which is something for which they yearn. And it’s not about C-suite titles or recognition—it’s about involvement in strategic leadership decisions, building and mentoring teams and continued learning and growth opportunities. The question they ask is the one that’s currently on the table for organizational thinkers and leaders. 

Let’s stop asking how women can have it all. 

Instead ask, how can women continue to advance while maintaining flexibility and support? 

The answer, in a word is: Expertise. 

The women I’m describing have done incredible things. They’re attorneys creating unique ways to leverage the law to protect vulnerable populations. They’re award-winning social marketers. They’re IT professionals in male-dominated corporate cultures delivering top tier results. 

And yet they have temporary amnesia, resistance or just plain fear when it comes to promoting this expertise in their organizations—and leveraging it to gain both flexibility in a role and advancement opportunities. 

Developing a unique value at the organization and internally promoting the shit out of it, is currently your key to creating a happy union between flexibility and advancement in today’s workplace. 

I’m reading your mind right now. Why is this so hard? Why do you have to be an absolute rock star to go on a class trip without feeling like you’re running from the law? First, sadly many rock stars still have these feelings of guilt. But the truth is, my hope and life’s work is to be part of the change so that flexibility can be the rule and not the exception. 

Flexible workplace conversations are happening and employers are beginning to change expectations and support working parents—but change is slow to trickle down to most of the women in my circles. I believe it’s coming and will work toward that end—knowing how productive, engaged and excited my clients are about their careers when they get the space and support they need to succeed in both areas of their lives. 

For now, while we’re in this transitional moment in time, plant the seeds of your badassery often. Set boundaries early. Identify the three areas of flexibility that are most important to you (ie. family dinner 2x a week, doctors appointments, school drop-off 1-2x a week, etc.), and focus your message on those priorities. It’s up to all of us to stand up and advocate for the lives we want to live while the culture is changing around us. 
 

Give Feedback Like A Pro

During our family Passover Seder this year, my 9 and 6-year-old daughters took a break from the meal to play with their 4-year-old cousin in the living room of my in laws' home. The adults continued their conversation over the girls' chatter—until all of our ears perked up. With accurate detail, my older daughter provided her rapt 4 and 6-year-old audience with a description of the classic game—"Spin the Bottle." Clearly, we'd strayed slightly off topic from Moses freeing the Jews in Egypt. After our best wide-eyed emoji impressions, we discovered that she'd learned about this new and interesting topic from our quite mature, but human and flawed date-night babysitter. 

I knew I had to give our sitter some feedback in short order and it was not going to be the most comfortable moment for either of us. Root canal date, anyone? 

Effectively delivering feedback is one of the skills that separates the inspiring and motivating leaders from those who are simply managers. If it comes naturally to you, congratulations on being part of a very small group of feedback X-Men. For the rest of us, it takes tools and practice to feel like we're delivering a clear and useful message. Here's the approach I share with clients that will help you get your feedback practice up and running. 

1. Assume the best
Show up to your feedback conversation with the understanding that this is a smart, well-intentioned person who either made a mistake or could use some support in tweaking his/her approach. If you have some anger about the situation, work through it with a friend or expert before you have the conversation. If you lead with anger when giving feedback, you will prompt your receiver to jump straight to a defensive position—and little will be heard or effectively used to changed behavior. 

2. Believe they can succeed and let them know
Put your feedback in the context of your overarching relationship. For my sitter and me—I wanted her to know that I think she's doing a great job and that I trust her judgment with the girls. That's why I'm giving her the feedback. It's because she's good at what she does and I want to help her get better. The tone of the message is, "I'm telling you this because I care." 

3. Know why it's important to you
In order for feedback to stick beyond the incident in question, tie it back to a priority or value you hold dear. This will not only drive the point home for your receivers, but will also give them a sense of other areas in their roles that they should apply this same judgment call. By making it personal and relating it to something that's important to you, you're transforming this awkward moment into an opportunity to take a leap instead of a baby step in understanding each other better and deepening the relationship. 

4. Make it sound like you
Find your own voice. You can be tough and deliver a clear message without sounding like a drill sergeant. In fact, you will find it comforting in the conversation when you give yourself permission to lean on your strengths. If you're someone who uses humor to connect with people, find a way to bring that in. If you're a natural motivator, use that approach. The more honest and real you are when the message is delivered, the more open people will be to receiving it. 

The most important part of this framework is getting yourself out there to practice! You're not helping anyone (including yourself) when you're spiraling in your head (a very comfortable place for many of us). If you have a team and you want to begin your practice, I recommend starting with your star performers. Start with the folks with whom you know you have a good relationship and those who are already doing well—but like everyone they can continue to improve. You can even bring them in on the game. Let them know you're working on providing more feedback to members of the team and that they can let you know how it's working for them. By starting with some easy wins, you can walk into the more challenging feedback conversations with the confidence and calm of a well-prepared leader.

Working Parents' Guide To Surviving The School Year's End

At the end of last May, a meteor came crashing down from the sky with a laser-focused target—my Google Calendar. I was as shocked by it's arrival as I had been each of the 6 years my kids have been attending school. Why do I continue to be caught off guard EACH year by the flurry of end of school events? The endless picnics, parties, dance recitals, yoga performances (What? Ok—it's Brooklyn), last field trips and random days off (I'm sorry—Clerical Day?). For working parents who are constantly battling the image of their kid being the only one "without a grownup" at these events—it's enough to make you want to give up altogether. And beyond the made-up (but realistic and dramatic) image brewing in your head, there are the actual tears. The tears that are part of the meltdown your child has when she finds out you can't make it to her recorder recital scheduled for TOMORROW that you learned about TODAY and you are leading a talk that's been on the calendar for a month. Those tears, followed by your tears because this whole thing is just not going well. 

After dealing with the fallout of the meteor—yet again—I vowed to make it my last year of walking into the fire unprepared. Here are the steps I took to restore sanity when it seemed like the odds were not in my favor. 

1. Get organized!
This year, I put a planning date on the calendar with my husband about six weeks before the meteor hit. We walked through all of the dates where we would need extra childcare coverage by tapping family and additional sitters, as well as scheduling a day or two off work for each of us. All end of year activities that we knew about (which were not many at this point) went on the Google Calendar. The planning gave us the feeling that we were in control—and that we could coordinate our work obligations AND give our girls a fun end of year experience. 

2. Build in buffer
You know that guy with whom you've been trying to meet, but you've rescheduled 3 times already? Don't schedule that meeting right now. Don't schedule that lunch or that coffee or those drinks. Don't make this the time you're going to take your business to the next level or take on that senior level presentation. You're not doing those things right now. You're creating buffer in your schedule so when last minute things come up—as they might—you have more flexibility to work from home or to cancel meetings that will be lower stakes. If you don't have the kind of role, job or business you can tone down in this way—you can reach out to more flexible family members or friends who may be able to be on standby during this time and/or commit to be your child's grownup at one or two of the events. 

3. Be proactive with teachers
You're going to need to be "that parent"—the one that emails the teachers to find out what the end of school events will be IN ADVANCE. Explain to them why you're asking. Appeal to them by saying you're trying to get more organized around year-end events so as a working parent—there can be fewer tears and less guilt! 

4. Get the kids' buy-in
Once you have a handle on the 80% of events that are planned, call a family meeting. Explain to your kids that it's VERY important to you to go to some of these events and that because you work—you won't be able to attend them all. Work together to choose which events are the most important to each child and do your best to attend those. Explain that there may be some events that come up last minute and you probably won't be able to make it to those. If you've lined up flexible family members on standby for last-minute events, you can choose to either mention that or play it by ear as those opportunities present themselves. 

5. Give yourself a break
Remember, no plan is perfect and Google Calendar can't protect you from the meteor. You're doing your best to orchestrate a plan where you continue to make your kids feel heard—and at the same time—do your job, run your business—save the world (or keep trying!). If the river of tears is unavoidable, remember—the guilt is a choice. You're not going to get it all right and that's part of being human. In the face of the tears, remind yourself that you're doing your best, you're learning and you're getting it right a lot of the time—which in the end is what you want your kids to learn for themselves. Who better to teach them than you? 

This is a work in progress. Learn from your experience this year and opportunities to optimize could be right around the corner. Back to school meteor prep, anyone? 

The Importance Of Anniversaries

May 16, 1986 is the day that broke my life into two discrete parts—before my parents died in a car accident and after. The time I was a kid who only thought about singing my heart out and making my friends laugh—and when I was no longer that kid. When I lived in lightness versus a reality of emotions beyond my readiness. When I appeared just like everyone else and when even the cute clothes and gifts people bought to make me feel better could not hide my difference. 

Thirty-one years later—after a lifetime of support and love and embracing this moment as part of my life story, I continue to seek something special to remember my parents, my people and how far I've come on this day. Some may say it's just like any other day. I disagree because I've tried that approach. I've shown up for a regular workday, only to feel empty and disconnected. Instead, I recognize and accept this is part of my life by doing something that is meaningful to me--and that has made a tremendous difference in my healing. 

Over the years on May 16th…

I took a day off from school and went to a good crying movie. 

I walked in Washington Square Park in the rain in my bright purple cap and gown—thinking of how proud my mom and dad would have been. 

I planted flowers with my Aunt Marilyn so we could bring something new and beautiful into the world. 

I recounted memories with close friend, Dave Adox, in the Grand Central StoryCorp booth on the 20-year mark. 

And for the past few years, I've shared photos and feelings with my community of people who knew them and knew me then, with friends and neighbors I've met in recent years who were surprised to learn this part of my history. This has become the ritual that feels the most right for me—and it's what prompted me to write this piece now. 

For those of you who may be deciding whether or not to create a ritual or way to honor anniversaries in your life, here are the reasons why this approach works for me: 

1. Move beyond busy-ness to reconnect with the loss
No matter how together you are and how long ago you experienced this loss, it was a great loss and will always be there in some way. It's ok and in fact, necessary to find some time to fall apart, to feel the emotion and acknowledge the depth of the pain. When we're in our day to day busy-ness, we don't have the time to do just that. Clearing the decks and allowing yourself that space to be that person you were when you first felt the hurt can help you continue to move through it, wherever you are in the process. When I think about being that 11-year-old girl, who dragged her best friend away from the crowds and into the bathroom to say, "Who's going to take care of me?"—I'm back. And sometimes that's exactly where I need to be. 

2. Honor how far you've come
You're that person who experienced the loss PLUS years of growth and processing and support. I use the anniversary as a moment to look back on those early days with pride to say, "I was there. And I didn't know if I would make it out of there. It was hard to see any light. But now I'm here and there's so much to love about where I am—and I created that." To build from there—if you have the power to get out of that unthinkable place and create a beautiful life, what other incredible things are you capable of doing? 

3. Time to be grateful for your people
A wise friend once commented about my childhood, "It sounds like you had a community of people gathered around you who held hands and said, 'This girl will succeed.' And they did all they could to make it so." This image continues to be my answer to that little girl's question, "Who will take care of me?" "Everyone.", I tell her, "Everyone." From friends and neighbors in my hometown who flooded our home with love, laughter and piles of babka, to new friends who email and text to say—"I'm thinking of you today." The people in my life are what make it the life I want to live and I'm reminded of this every time I share thoughts and feelings on this day. 

4. Teach our kids it's ok to grieve and to be sad
When my kids were small, I often would try to put on a brave face instead of showing whatever hard thing I was going through. While I still don't share it all—I've let more emotion shine through so that my girls can see that we can go through hard things and come out the other end. I want them to know that crying and expressing emotion can actually be a sign of strength and a necessary part of life. My older daughter hugged me while I teared-up reading a poem at my grandma's grave and my little one held my hand when I was missing my friend Dave who passed last year. We talk about my parents often throughout the year. I also bring them into whatever ritual I choose on the anniversary so they can be a part of it and understand what it means to our family. In our culture, we're not great at teaching children that death is part of life, but because of my experience—I think my kids are developing a language and empathy around grieving and loss that I hope will help them cope later in their years. 

Part of my ritual is to accept how each May 16th evolves—whether it's hard, beautiful, powerful or just fine. No matter what it is, on that day, I build a bridge to connect these two parts of my life and that bridge is the knowing that I was and am deeply loved. Even though my life is split in two, I am whole.