The Power Of The Inspired No

As my business grows, I continue to meet fascinating people experimenting with interesting ideas, events and opportunities. Whether it’s apps to help working moms feel like they don’t have to do it all, coaching programs with frameworks for women to define flexible careers, or career transition workshops guiding senior level women toward their next step—there are hundreds of people who share my mission and I’m hungry to meet them all. Because I’m a connector-type, this is one of my favorite parts of the job. Where it can get sticky is the next step—deciding which of these dynamic people or companies to move forward with in a collaboration and knowing which of these opportunities, committees or projects is going to make the biggest impact on my business—and be the wisest use of my most scarce resource—my time. 

In order to figure out how to move forward, I walk through the following line of questioning…

1. Does this align with my top three business priorities? 
2. Am I excited about this or does it feel like a “should?” 
3. Would I regret not doing this? 

Often after asking myself these questions—the opportunity falls into the “no” camp and I feel an instant sense of obligation to my new favorite person who will be receiving my “no.” I recall our dynamic conversation—our mind melding, our shared vision—and then I feel guilty, as if I am letting that person down. I have two choices—ignore follow-up emails that leave me with the stomach pit OR say no. 

In order to turn these feelings around, I ask myself, “If I say no to this project, what other exciting project can I say yes to?” 

And from this place of possibility, I’m reminded that “no” can be “no for now” and not “have a nice life!” 

Next comes the creative part. It is possible to say “no” and simultaneously make someone feel valued and supported and admired. I call it, The Inspired No. 

How To Write The Inspired No
1. Be upfront and honest that now is not the right time for this project. 
2. DON’T give excuses or reasons as to why. These feel empty and they are unnecessary. 
3. DO be open and detailed about how much you enjoyed the conversation you had and respect their mission and their work. 
4. Be clear that you’d love to keep in touch so that you can potentially collaborate down the line. 

The beauty of The Inspired No is that it communicates that you are authentically in awe of what the person is doing AND that you don’t need to be a part of it to be a fan. I’ve been amazed at the encouraging and gracious notes I’ve received back from my Inspired No’s—and the relationships that have been built when that door was left open to simply see what could happen. Most importantly, The Inspired No gives me another opportunity to celebrate the boundaries I set to build the business and life that’s right for me—while building a world of future co-conspirators in the process. 

Employers: Here's How To Support Women

Photo Credit: Anthony Quintano

One day before International Women's Day and a planned women's strike, a bronze statue of a Fearless Girl appeared daring Wall Street's famous Charging Bull. She was fierce. She was bold. She was in charge. I shared her photo with my two daughters who instantly fell in love and kinship with this bronze girl who represented hope for them and their futures. The statue was perfectly placed in its temporary home by State Street Global Advisers to raise awareness of gender inequity on corporate boards. "Today, we are calling on companies to take concrete steps to increase gender diversity on their boards, and have issued clear guidance to help them begin to take action," State Street Global Advisors CEO Ron O'Hanley said in a statement. 

While this beautifully executed awareness campaign is one step in a larger movement to support women moving into senior leadership roles across the workforce, in my work on the ground with women leaders individually and within organizations, I continue to see a disconnect between words and actions. Employers want to help. They're putting new policies in place, but they're stuck in cultures that are slow to understand the levers that can make an impact and deliver on changes once they're understood. 

Based on the trends I see in my work with women, what makes them consciously choose to stay in junior and mid-level roles and what drives them to opt-out of the workforce altogether, I've highlighted five focus areas where employers can further support their female workforce and create cultures that are amenable to women rising to leadership roles within organizations. 

1. Support self-promotion and the development of personal brands
The high achieving women I see aced their academic lives. They graduated with honors from prestigious schools. In essence, they followed the rules. As many of us have learned, following the rules and doing good work is not what drives success in the workplace. It's part of it, sure, but there's something else that generally speaking—men do naturally and women loathe: self-promotion. Self-promotion has become my anthem when I speak of women in leadership. See my 5 Commandments Of Self-Promotion. It is imperative to plant the seeds of your great work early and often if you want to build a personal brand within and outside of your organization. In order to do this, employers can provide and support opportunities for emerging women leaders to attend conferences, speak on panels and present their work within the organization. Public speaking is a key component to most senior roles. Gaining practice and comfort with it early in a career, as well as leveraging the exposure of presenting as an expert, can become a solid infrastructure for success. 

2. Focus on long-term professional development
Many of the women I coach are hungry to learn new skills and are ready for new opportunities, but they fear having long-term growth conversations with their leaders. This leaves them to either stay too long in a role or begin to look elsewhere, which can be daunting when they have some flexibility in a company after a long tenure. Often times when they do have these conversations, they feel as if they've hit a brick wall. Many employers are focused on the needs of the here and now, the business goals of the current role—which makes sense given the intensive demands placed on organizations and leaders to perform. But—this approach produces creative stagnation and drives employee engagement to plummet. It does not prompt employees to want to grow within their organizations and it negates any vision they may have to rise to senior ranks. While I work with my clients to become leaders and drivers of their own careers, the culture of their companies plays a critical role in supporting this kind of thinking and growth mentality. People evolve and want to focus on their strengths and interests. Skilled leaders open the door to ongoing growth conversations and they think outside of their own project needs to include what's best for the employee overall. 

3. Take Unconscious Bias seriously
This one keeps me up at night. Often when women begin to advocate for themselves, speak up in meetings, provide feedback, act with the authority their titles should command, [insert any leadership quality here]—they are met with resistance, stereotypes and a backlash that would not be received by male leaders at their level. Women can build up their inner strength and confidence with a coach like me, but if they continue to hit walls within their companies, change will not be possible. Organizations like Google and Facebook are leading the way with "Unconscious Bias" trainings that are not only available to their organizations, but also publicly available so that other organizations can learn and implement a similar approach. As with any corporate culture shift, there must be senior leadership awareness and buy-in that bias is currently an issue and that it must be addressed with training and accountability for every employee. 

4. Create open communication about work-life balance
Find out what's important to your employee. Maybe it's being home for a family dinner and getting back online when the kids go to bed. Perhaps it's a no 9 am meetings rule. (Most working mom's have moved mountains at home and then added a commute on top of it to make a 9 am meeting). Or maybe it's the ability to completely go offline over the weekend. It's different for everyone, so it's important for employees to feel safe enough to discuss what makes life manageable and dare I say meaningful with their leaders so that they can come up with a plan that works for both parties. 

5. Build cultures where mistakes are possible
One of the biggest trends I see holding my clients back is perfectionism. The need to double, triple and quadruple check every minute detail can be the killer of both creativity and productivity. While I'm a proponent of high quality work, I see many women setting unattainable expectations for not only themselves but also their direct reports. These out of reach standards can lead to a hesitance in delegating tasks, keeping women leaders handling more junior level assignments instead of focusing on strategic initiatives that will keep them on the rising track. When employers create cultures that allow humans to be humans, flaws and all—employees have the space to move beyond the pressure and the perfectionism that keeps them running in place. 

While I work alongside many other coaches, organizational development professionals, writers, women's networking organizations and leadership institutes (and the list goes on…) in this march toward gender equality, there's a world of difference employers can make even beyond the longer Parental Leave policies they're beginning to implement. Parental leave is important, but it can't and it shouldn't be the only topic of conversation when it comes to a gender disparity in leadership. In kick-starting discussion around the above five points, you can make a difference. It may take a permanent installation of a fierce little girl challenging a bull that is five times her size to continue to make the point, but that's where we're at right now. So hands on hips, ladies, and let's do this thing. 

Doing The Things You Don't Want To Do

I don't need to tell you that life has ups and downs, highs and lows, thrilling projects that draw you in like a magnet and, well…other sh*t you have to do. You know the kind of project that prompts you to do a deep clean of your house instead of even getting started. The kind that brings on an instant sinus infection forcing you into Netflix recovery mode instead of doing your work. Your work—how did this project fall on your plate, anyway? Whether it's your job search, a project at the office that is way out of your wheelhouse or your family budgeting—when we're adult-ing—there are things in life we have to do, no matter how much they make us want to pull the covers over our heads. 

Here are some ways I help my clients (and myself!) get through the brick wall of resistance to not only nail the project at hand, but learn about what's been blocking them/us in the process. 

1. Acknowledge your stuck-ness
Inertia has you in it's grip, my friend. It's ok—it happens to the best of us. Let yourself off the hook. Just because you've been holding off on kick-starting this project, it doesn't mean you're a loser. I'm certain you have some good reasons for not doing this thing and now is the time to do some free writing to figure out what they may be. You can acknowledge your fears one by one by writing and speaking aloud the following: I haven't done ___________ because I was afraid of ____________. That's ok, but I'm ready to move on because I'm [insert your superpowers here].

2. Tap into your team
You're not the first person who has ever had to create a budget or has looked for a job. I promise. Who do you know that has done something similar and did not die? Who has mastered this hideous thing and can walk you through it in grave detail over a sushi dinner or a drink? The bonus to this approach is that you get to connect with your friend or colleague and actually laugh—even just a little while you're jumping into the unknown with your project. Perhaps this person can even hold you accountable for doing what you say you're going to do along the way. Having periodic meetings with your team member can give you some natural deadlines and motivation to keep going! 

3. Re-brand and plan your marketing blitz
Think about the language you're using for your project. You're not alone if you're using words like, "have to, should, ball and chain and this f-ing thing." Who's going to want to do anything related to those choice words? Time for a project re-brand! What are some aspects of the project that are exciting? What might you learn? What about it might be slightly ridiculous or funny? Go on and dig deep. You're going to create a title or perhaps an image that will either make you laugh or inspire you, creating a new story about your goal and what you want to get out of this project. Good branding evokes feelings and connection to the end product or the company. What feeling do you want to create? One of my clients was planning a move to California, but was completely overwhelmed by all she had to do to make the move possible. We came up with a simple title and then she went ahead and put together an bitmoji of herself in the sunshine under the words, "Operation, Cali!" For my own budgeting exercise last summer, I named all of my documents and folders on my Mac, "Financial Badassery." Who wants to work on a budget when you can think about acquiring financial badassery? 

4. Track progress and celebrate small wins…big
Create a simple process to track milestones so you know when you've completed even the smallest of baby steps along the way. I like tools like Asana, Evernote or even reminders in Google Calendar to keep me on task. Remember, a week ago you could barely get started and now you've completed a handful of tasks. Celebrate each of these in a BIG way. You may not be to your goal, but you're moving. You're doing it! By celebrating ongoing, you'll be able to gain the confidence and momentum to keep going toward your goal—and you'll have fun instead of powering through drudgery. Which would you choose? 

Once you master this approach, there's no end to its practical applications. I use it for areas of my business where I'm doing "pretty well" but feel some fear and want to go deeper in understanding it. "Pretty well" is not how I roll, so stay tuned for my latest project, "Countdown To TED Talk", people. See you there. 
 

People Want To Help

Whether you're in a career transition, a new role, leading an awe-inspiring project that secretly makes you want to throw up from all of the responsibility it brings, or in the middle of a sudden crisis—one thing is clear—in order to get to the other side, you're going to need support. It's clear to me because I've been both the giver and receiver of that help and I know how I thrive on both ends, but I see many of my clients struggle with the smallest of professional asks. 

Do you writhe in discomfort when you are faced with asking for the following things?

• Introductions to hiring managers in your target companies
• Quick conversations with former colleagues who have interesting roles you might like
• Chats about your consulting services to see if they may fill a need
• Time with a mentor who has the most seemingly busy life you could imagine, but always finds a way to inspire you with five minutes of satiating wisdom

To quote Helen Keller, "Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much." You can only get so far with simply your own perspective, your own expertise, your own knowledge and your own relationships. In order to push the boundaries of what you can create for your life, you must ask for help. And I have good news for you. People want to help! If that's the case, what's really stopping you? Here are the questions I ask my clients to help them work through whatever is blocking them from asking for support. 

1. What's the worst thing that could happen?
Often clients have a breakthrough (and a good laugh at themselves) after just this question. The fear that is stopping you feels so strong and paralyzing and when you look at the worst-case scenario, it sounds like this: "He won't write me back." Yeah, and…can you handle that? How many people have not emailed you back or answered your LinkedIn requests before? Have you been able to move on from it? Can I get a "Yes, many and yes?" When that happens, you brush yourself off and ask someone else. People are busy. They go on vacations. They experience crunch times before a deadline. If they don't write you back, it's most likely not about you and they may get back to you a month later. 

2. How do you feel when you are asked? 
If you're anything like me, you feel honored to be asked for support and you feel good about yourself when your help makes an impact in that person's life. If a request comes in during a busy time, I make sure I tell that person to make it as easy as possible for me to help—whether it's writing an email that I can forward to someone or meeting me for a coffee close to my office. In remembering how you feel when you're on the receiving end of a request, you can better imagine that the person on the other end of your ask may be feeling the same things you do…instead of all of the nasty things your mind is saying about you right now (that we'll discuss in #3). 

3. What do you think asking for help says about you?
I'm needy. I don't have my shit together. I'm flakey. These are a few of the common answers I hear to this question. Let me make an important distinction for you. If you dump a problem on someone (who is not in your inner circle) without a specific request in mind, you could be perceived in all of those ways I mentioned. But if you have identified something you want, found a person who may have it and reach out with a specific request that is easy to complete—you appear to be someone who is quite the opposite of that needy, flailing person. You are focused and actively engaged in making choices that will change your life—and in the process you're reconnecting with people you respect and admire. Reframing is your friend, friends. 

Of course, when you get to the conversation or when you get the job, express your gratitude to the helpers in question. Notice how they feel about what they did and if they comment on how it felt to be asked. Often you will find that they are impressed with the initiative you took and the thought with which you put into the request. File this comment and that feeling away for your next ask. It will be your first line of defense against the writhing that comes along with not doing it all yourself.