The New Networking Rules: For People Who Hate Networking

As a Career and Leadership Coach, I’ve heard every complaint about networking there is. That said, I’m open to hearing some new ones—so share’em if you’ve got’em! You may have said some of these before. 

“I’m so bad at it.”

“I don’t have time.” 

“It makes me feel fake.” 

“I’m in a transition, so I’ll sound flakey.” 

“I’m better with dogs than I am with people.”

“I don’t do small talk!” 

“I’m too old. Nobody wants to talk to me.”

“I’m too young. I have nothing to say.” 

“I JUST F’ING HATE IT!” (A classic)

Deep breathe, friends. There is a way to network so that you feel like you—AND you don’t have to add another job onto the two or three you already have. 

Here are my New Networking Rules: For People Who Hate Networking to get you out of your head:

1. Language Is Power. Swap Out The Word “Networking” for “Connecting”:
Yes, networking can sound fake, phony, sales-y [insert hate-able word here], but what’s wrong with connecting with new people, asking a lot of questions, learning about them, sharing what you’re up to and building a relationship? It feels different and like something you would do in your everyday life. You never know if this person will be your new running buddy, a contact to meet for lunch once a month, someone who inspires you to take a new step in your career, the woman who connects you with the hiring manager at the company you’ve been researching or someone you will never see again. All of these are possibilities and it’s up to you to find out which one it will be. 

2. Forget Networking Events, Connect Where You Are:
Birthday parties, swimming lessons, playgrounds, family brunches, drinks with friends who bring their friends, meeting in coffee shops—my weekends are filled with all of these things and guess what—they’re all opportunities for connecting. If you don’t have time to add in an evening networking event because you work late or you want to put the kids to bed—I get it! I’ve done some of my best connecting while my kids are otherwise engaged at birthday parties. The other parents are all thrilled to have something to talk about beyond the kids for a little while (and to excuse us from that next bouncy slide). I’ve also found that when people are out of the often-stifling environment of a corporate event, they let down their guard and are more open, interesting and interested in a lively conversation. 

3. It Can Be a Game—Tally Up Chances To Practice Your Elevator Pitch:
Whether you’re looking for a new job or working on becoming more of a leader in your current role, you need an elevator pitch. There are many great articles online with formulas that work. Here’s one on Idealist.org that I like. Also, if you’re in a career transition, here’s another post that will help you figure out how to put that into words while sounding confident. It’s important that you practice your pitch aloud. You do not want to sound like C3PO. Before you get into an interview or a meeting with senior leaders, I recommend spending some time testing out your pitch on people in your close-in circle. Feel free to start with your partner, your close friend or your dog (especially if that’s your comfort zone as explained in the networking complaints above). Then move on to the friends of friends at that 40th birthday party you promised you would go to, but don’t know anyone beyond the birthday girl. Can you wrack up one practice a day? Go! 

4. It’s Not About You:
If you’ve read the first three rules and still want to hurl, try setting an intention that’s not about you. Practice your listening skills. Ask unexpected questions. Think about ways to help this person who’s taking the time to connect with you. In our distracted world, many of our conversations don’t include this level of listening so this can be a powerful way to get started. 

You may have heard the stats—over 80% of jobs are found via networking connecting. This can be a game-changer for you now that you know how to do it in a way that feels authentic and not like you’re constantly trying to be a “closer!” (said with loving respect to all you authentic closers out there). You do you and see what happens in the process.

When Crisis Hits, Get Back To Basics

A few weeks ago, my life changed in an instant…again. My 78-year-old Aunt Marilyn had a massive stroke while talking to a friend on the phone and we’ve been in crisis mode ever since. Since the day I was born, Aunt Marilyn has been my biggest fan, my BFF and the consistent, empathetic voice that pulled me out of the depths after my parents’ sudden death 31 years ago. For as long as I can remember, Aunt Marilyn and I spoke on the phone nearly every day to exchange minute to minute updates of our lives and more recently to celebrate the hilarious things my daughters do and say. To quote the wise words of Shonda Rimes, “She’s my person.” 

While Aunt Marilyn is now fighting this out in rehab, the road will be long and hard for her, and the recovery will never bring her back to who she was. I’ve been thrust into a world of home and long-term care logistics of medical jargon requiring every hamster in my brain to run wheels at top speeds. A world where sticking your tongue out on command is considered a huge win. And amidst the swirl of logistics, there are the moments I stand still, take a breath and realize anew the gravity of losing her. It will catch me off-guard walking down the crowded Brooklyn streets, or at a school event among strangers. It will even get me when I open my closet door and think about the countless hours we’ve spent over the years organizing every family members’ belongings. “Everyone needs an Aunt Marilyn...” I would say, opening my daughter’s closets with pride for each friend who came into our home. 

As my childhood bestie put it, “Rach, this isn’t your first rodeo.” Anyone who knows me knows I’ve eaten a few shit sandwiches in my life. I know they say, it’s going to make me stronger, but I thought I was already really freaking strong! I’m strong enough, thanks! While it does help to have the hard evidence that I’ve come out the other end of these rock bottoms a stronger person—I’ve highlighted some of the ways I continue to move forward through it all in the hopes that I can help some of you who may be struggling with shit sandwiches of your very own. 

1. Focus on right now:
A crisis can be paralyzing. There are a multitude of decisions to be made—decisions that you may not feel qualified to make, potentially life and death decisions…for someone else. In order to make these decisions, I focus on the information that’s in front of me right now and not the ripple effect they will have for everyone’s future. If I catch myself catastrophizing or spiraling into the many potential negative outcomes of these events before I have the information in front of me—I give myself some tough love (or bring in my people who will do that for me). Those future-focused worries are not helpful for anyone and will not bring me any closer to coming out of the crisis. 

2. Write it all down:
One thing that helps me stay in the moment is to keep ongoing lists of what needs to happen and only prioritize the tasks for today or at most this week. During a crisis, you will only have room in your brain (that has dramatically downshifted in efficiency right now) for today—and that’s ok. We know this is not how you typically roll if you’re a Type A-ish person, like me. This time around, my husband and I created a Google doc and shared it with a few key family members so that we can all have access to the information we need and continue to update each other on progress. The shared document allows me to give up any hope that I will retain information as I normally would. If it’s not on the list, it doesn’t get done. 

3. Laugh:
This sounds counter intuitive, but I tend to notice the funny moments in each of these overwhelming days. Like when one of my uncles decided to play department store elevator operator on the crowded hospital elevator. Doors open, my Uncle says, “Women’s wear, lingerie.” All heads turn at once. Many unimpressed, some offended. Retelling these stories to the select few who get (and even adore) the dark humor I’ve developed over the years AND laughing together at the ridiculousness of life has kept me sane. Thank you to that inner circle who understand why I’ve needed a daily laugh even more than a daily cry. 

4. Make your health a top priority:
Right now, I want to eat ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner, but I'm not. I know I'm a critical player on this team and I must put my health first! Our tendency is to think about our own needs last given everything that’s currently at stake. This is not an approach that will get me through the long haul. I’ve been religious about my immunity boosting supplements, my mostly clean eating, my exercise (more about this in #5) and taking even a few quiet minutes to myself. I can’t tell you how grateful I am for feeling strong every morning when I wake, knowing all I must accomplish. It makes me re-double efforts (save a glass of wine or piece of chocolate here and there. I mean, I’m human!). 

5. Do the things that make you feel like you:
The first four days I was in the hospital, non-stop. I was with family 24/7, talking, processing, making sure everyone else was ok and safe and had all the information they needed for the decisions in front of us. On the fifth day, I went for a 4 mile run in Prospect Park with a close friend in the morning. That run, that chat, that fresh air, that park I love—it was bliss. It was a reset button for me as is writing this piece right now. As I write, I’m getting calls from social workers and nurses and emails from home health care agencies—and after each one, I come back for more of my medicine which is writing and connecting with you. As crazy as it sounds, these things that bring me joy also give me the touchstones I need to know I'm going to be ok at the other end of this thing. 

6. Get support:
I have the best people in my life. Family, friends (old and new), neighbors—EVERYONE has kept us afloat. I’m grateful beyond words. I’ve reached out to all my people to talk, laugh, cry, get referrals and information, entertain and care for our children when we need to be at the hospital. I am so lucky to have this support network to help me get through this. I’ve realized that reaching out to your people—even when it’s hard to ask for help—is an essential part to getting through a crisis in tact. I don’t have to be a one-woman army. That’s a sure-fire way to burn myself out. And if at some point I feel like I need the help of an un-biased professional, a therapist is always a good option, as well. I’ve done this after various crises in my life—starting when I lost my parents at age 11. It set the stage for me to be able to accept professional support when I needed it and internalize the strategies I learned to use on my own, as well. 

7. Don’t expect perfection:
As I write this I’m squashing a voice in my head that’s telling me I’m taking too long to write this and it’s not the epic piece I wanted to write about this epic situation. I’m often catching my clients and myself in the desire for perfection. It’s unattainable on a good day, so right now, it’s out of the question! The interesting part about a crisis is that it’s quite a good time to practice dropping perfectionism in your life. It’s a time when priorities come into view and all of a sudden the stain on your five year old’s dress doesn’t seem to match up with whether or not your aunt will be able to swallow food ongoing. One of these things is not like the other. And by making the choice to not focus on the trivial details, I can create the muscle memory that I will continue to recall post-crisis.

8. Practice gratitude:
This has been a no-brainer for me, but it’s worth mentioning. At the end of a long day of watching my aunt struggle and my uncle heartbroken over seeing her this way, I’m eternally grateful for much in my life. For my husband who is my partner in all of this, for his health and his ability to put his arms around me to make me know it’s going to be ok. I savor the moment I can snuggle in bed with my five year old and watch her figure out how to read with all consuming pride. And hearing my eight year old have legitimate and interesting conversations with all of our friends and neighbors like she’s eight going on forty. These are the reminders of the joy life is capable of providing, even in the face of struggle and sickness and uncertainty. 

There was once a time when I would have carried a lot of shame around the fact that I’ve been through enough crises to create a framework around managing them. But, now I know it’s one of those things that draws people to me, that makes them want to put me on their short list of people to call when they’re in it. I take those calls with a calm presence and an empathy that lets my people know—you’re going to make it through. I believe in you. And they do make it. Now they have the chance to use what they’ve learned to help me make it too—and I couldn’t be more grateful.
 

It's All About Relationships

At one of my previous employers, there was a mantra drilled into our marketing minds with relentless vigor. If followed, it was your key to success. If ignored, you were ignored. 

“It’s all about relationships.” 

I heard it so often, it was the punch line of many sarcastic workday jokes, but down to my core, it stuck. I drank the Kool-Aid and I’m so glad I did. A maniacal focus on building and nurturing relationships has driven my approach to managing my career and developing my business. It continues to give me the momentum I seek—and provide my greatest reward—strong, fulfilling connections that fuel me. 

Here are my four relationship reminders that work for both people who excel at creating new connections and for those who wish it wasn’t part of the job. 

1) When you click, take a risk:
You know those moments when you meet someone at an event and your banter is unfolding like a comedy routine you didn’t even know you were a part of? The energy, the interest and the curiosity to know more—they’re firing on all cylinders. And then you leave, only to never see this person again. What a missed opportunity! Even if your gut is telling you to play it safe, that it will be awkward to reach out to this near stranger—take the risk to ask for his or her card and then follow up! You never know how your life or your career will be enriched by this person. And even if you simply have one or two more conversations like this one…isn’t it worth it?

2) Listen more than you talk:
This is a gem that bears repeating and is something I’m personally working on right now. When you hypothetically see an ENT after four bouts of laryngitis, a scope goes up your nose and down your throat and you’re given the diagnosis, “voice overuse”, it’s something you start to think about. For frequent talkers like me, deep listening is a skill to be practiced and honed. As my listening muscles have developed as part of my coaching experience—I’m continually amazed at what can be understood from that which is unsaid. In a world of incessant talking, people crave being heard and understood. It is something that will transform your relationships if you give it the time and space it deserves. 

3) Let your guard down:
While you can start off conversations in your safe zones—areas you know you’ll have a connection (ie. meetings, coworkers, projects, your kids that are the same age), push yourself to go deeper and off-script. It’s not necessary to share your deepest and darkest—but—asking questions about how people met their significant other or where they were raised generally takes the conversation to a more vulnerable place. You can talk about something you’re still trying to figure out with your child or your work or where you want to go in your career in general. Admitting you don’t know it all is honest and authentic and real. That’s what’s interesting to others and makes people want to know more about you. It will drive a deeper connection because people can relate to that feeling of “not knowing.” They may even be feeling it right now. 

4) Think human, not hierarchy:
When you’re at drinks after work and talking with someone who is more senior than you, often times you may get nervous and feel like you’re stumbling on your words. Your inner critic may be having a simultaneous conversation that is so loud, you can’t even hear yourself think! “You’re blowing this! Don’t even try. Just. Stop. Talking!” I beg of you. Don’t listen to her. She wants to keep you where you are. She doesn’t realize that you said you were going to build strong relationships in 2017. Or she does and she’s there to stop it from happening. Instead, think of this person as human, flawed with quirks that make him or her interesting. Try to talk about things outside of work: family, vacation plans, podcasts you listened to in the past week, your French Bulldog fascination—get outside the realm where you’re a Manager and he’s an SVP and simply be homo sapiens, enjoying a nice Malbec, some appetizers and interesting conversation. 

Building relationships is a dance you can learn. It’s not over for you if you feel like you haven’t been good at it up until now. There’s time to evolve your style and your skills—and it’s well worth the effort. 

6 Ways To Leverage LinkedIn For Your Job Search

Networking to find your next gig can feel overwhelming when you’re scrambling to fit in all the responsibilities of your current job, your family and those two 7 minute workouts a week (Thanks, New York Times!). After-work events can seem like an impossibility when you’re exhausted and desperate for a little QT with the TV at the end of the day. 

Enter our friend, LinkedIn. Imagine, networking in your PJ’s while binge-watching Billions. Yes, this can happen. And while this won’t be your entire strategy, it will help you gain momentum in your search so your in-person conversations can be fruitful and high impact. 

Its time to get tactical, friends! For you LinkedIn power users out there this may be a review, but I find many of my clients are just scratching the surface with how to use this critical tool. Here’s how we dig in and 10x their results with my 6 Ways To Leverage LinkedIn For Your Job Search.  

1. Explore Profiles Of Others With Roles You Had And Roles You Want
Before you commit to updating the language in your profile, do your research! Search some of the job titles you’ve had and learn how others are describing themselves and the keywords they use to brand their expertise. Do not plagiarize, but take notes on common themes that you may want to include in your profile. On the flip side, I find many of my clients are not clear on the kinds of roles they want for their next gig. Search roles that you’re curious about and notice if the descriptions in these profiles resonate with you, include expertise you have and skills you want to learn. 

2. Synch Up Your Resume and LinkedIn Profile
This is LinkedIn 101, but you would be amazed at the number of people who are not doing it! Take some of the building blocks from your resume like the summary, expertise bullets and bullets for each job and use them as a starting point for your LinkedIn Profile. Since you’re not working with the same length restrictions on LinkedIn, feel free to add more to your LinkedIn summary that would give it more personality and intrigue—beyond what’s in your resume. Make the dates between your resume and your LinkedIn profile match. Period. Hiring managers and recruiters are going to make this comparison so you should beat them to it! Include your education, certifications, interests, volunteer work, etc.—everything you can to fill out the picture of who you are. And speaking of pictures, you need one! Here’s a needle in a haystack task for you—find the one photo of you without your kids. If you don’t have one, recruit that friend who’s exploring her photography skills to snap one of you ASAP. 

3. Expand Your Network To 500+ Contacts
The larger your LinkedIn network, the more successful you’ll be with Step 4 that I’ll discuss in a moment. Four years ago, I created a game for myself to hit 500 contacts. I wasn’t sure why I was doing it at the time, but I’m so glad I did—and so are my clients who are able to make new connections through my expansive network! By making it a game, it was fun instead of a chore. And this is the perfect task to do while you’re winding down in the evening. Ideally, you should personalize each request, but if that’s dramatically slowing you down—the standard request is often overlooked so I wouldn’t get too stressed about sticking with it. Don’t limit yourself by only expanding your network with contacts in your city. People move around and they have global connections. Right now, your focus is on broadening your reach, regardless of location. 

4. Research Your Target Companies And Find Contacts 
I take a proactive approach to job searching by focusing on target companies rather than simply applying to job postings ad nauseam.  Once you’ve expanded your network, search your target companies, follow them on LinkedIn so you see their updates in your newsfeed. Then either within the search bar or on the company page, LinkedIn will allow you to see “people at this company.” You will see a list of people who either currently work at the company or have at one time. You can then narrow your search by checking the checkboxes for 1st and 2nd degree connections in the left margin of the page. If you have 1st degree connections to your dream company—congratulations—you’ve got the golden ticket. Reach out to this contact for an informational interview, even if there’s not a role currently available. If you only have 2nd degree connections, don’t fret! You can reach out to your 2nd degree contact and ask for an intro to his or her contact at the company. If you don’t have 1st or 2nd degree contacts, go back to step 3 and continue expanding your network. 

5. Get Active And Contribute Content In Your Area of Expertise (So meta!)
One way to get noticed on LinkedIn is to become an active participant in the community. The easiest way to do this is to like, comment on or share the articles in your newsfeed. Each time you do this, your profile is shown in the newsfeeds of ALL of your contacts. Way to get easy exposure, friends! If you have time to go a bit further, post other articles you find that fit with your expertise and your personal brand. And of course, the highest level of contribution is to create content for the LinkedIn community. While it can be time-consuming, it’s a great way to build out your brand, share your point of view and help in areas where you see gaps in skillsets and information. See you around the newsfeed!

6.  Ask For Endorsements
While asking for something from others can often be hard, it’s worth it. Reach out to colleagues past and present, with whom you’ve built meaningful relationships to ask them to share an endorsement for you. If the first few you reach out to are busy, don’t take it personally and connect with others on your list. These endorsements fill out your page with powerful nuggets about who you are, your personal brand and what it’s like to work with you. Hiring managers expect to see them on your profile and it can be a red flag if you don’t have any. 

Becoming a LinkedIn Ninja is the perfect way to jump-start your 2017 job search. Get your wheels turning, ideas firing and your network churning so that you land the right next job for you.