Your "Winning" Strategy

There’s a challenge I see coming up with many of the women in my groups and 1:1 coaching and the related scenarios look like this...

They get overlooked for promotions.

They get layered under new levels of leadership. (Which feels like and often is a demotion.)

They go for the big job and the less qualified candidates (often white guys) get the roles.

You’re not going to get gaslit here. A large part of this dynamic comes from the biases that still live within our organizational cultures.

Yet there is something we can do individually to work against these biases.

We can lift our heads up from doing our good work…and talk about our good work. We can talk about how we are uniquely qualified to do that work.

Some call it authentic self-promotion, some fear it’s bragging. I say…it’s simple:

Share your wins.

Listing your wins for yourself will remind you of your competence, your unique style and the pride you have in the impact you’re making.

Telling others about your wins will communicate what kind of work and partners and collaborations they should be sending your way.

It will help them understand when you’re ready for the next step or level.

Part of the work of breaking through bias is normalizing women’s words about their wins, their strengths…and yes, even all that they want.

Feel free to write back to this email and share one of your recent wins. If you have to practice by telling just one person – I’m grateful for it to be me.

L’Shanah Tovah to those celebrating today. To a sweet new year!

Finding Compassion in the Awkward

With the move toward returning to the office in some fashion and with kids back in school this month, I’ve been leaning into more in-person meetings and gatherings of all kinds.

It feels like people are coming out of their cocoons and saying…let’s learn how to live in community again. A turn of events that makes this extrovert filled with butterflies and possibilities.

I’m saying yes to the invites and setting up coffees and lunches.

Yet, here’s what I’m noticing.

I’m rusty AF.

And I connect with people for a living!

On a good day I’m at least 20% more awkward than I was pre-pandemic.

When I walk away from an interaction at school drop off or when running into people, I’m often rolling some of the things I said around in my head thinking, “48 years into this ride and we couldn’t come up with something more empathetic? Thought-provoking? Award-winningly hilarious?”

But, the moment has passed and the rumination builds momentum and heft in my stomach with every minute that passes.

I’ve been working to disrupt the spinning with a simple self compassion practice.

I talk to the awkward part of me and I tell her…

That person has already forgotten this moment that’s turning you inside out.

You are working to rebuild this muscle and the road to get there will be messy.

You are coming from a place of truth.

Many people are drawn to your awkward side.

Sometimes it takes a few times to break through and that’s ok. I do find a place of calm in this approach.

It helps me walk into the next gathering with realistic expectations (I probably will say the “wrong thing” at some point) and a way to move through it if/when I do (by being nice to that inner awkward girl).

I hope you can give yourself some grace as you begin reconnecting with your communities. Whether it’s using my practice or creating your own – go easy, enjoy your people. Know if they are the right people, they will see you and love you as you are.

3 Ways To Deal With Change

We’re well into September energy and in NYC, the last place in the country for kids to go back to school, we’re feeling all the things.

At our house, the kids are both going to new schools (Middle and High School!) and my husband is starting a new job…so this fall is all about ch-ch-ch-changes.

While I’m someone who’s fueled by change and the buzzy excited energy it brings me – I know that’s not the case for many.

Even with its spicy notes of pumpkin, all the newness and uncertainty that come with September can be challenging.

Here are a few ways I work with clients to move through this time of transition:

#1: Call in the team!
If you know you’re someone whose anxiety kicks up a notch during this time of year or during change in general, get ahead of it. Line up time with your most supportive friends (not the ones who amp up that nervous energy – and you know who’s who). Also, if you have a therapist you’ve worked with in the past, schedule a tune-up or proactive visit. Make sure your people are in place to support you through the potentially bumpy road ahead.

#2: Embrace the mess.
Normalize the low parts and the imperfections going into the change. You know there’s no perfect job or school or new home. Acknowledge there will be times when you’ll be exhausted by getting to know all the hundreds of people at the new gig or that your kid may have a few rough “friend” rumbles. Or even that you may end up cleaning three years of someone else’s oven grease on move-in day. The shitty parts of an otherwise exciting change are real, so seeing that going in makes them easier to process as they happen.

#3: Remember Your Hero's Journey
You’ve been through a few things. So, by now you know it’s possible. Visualize some of those times you made it through a messy, uncertain situation. Hypothetically speaking, how about navigating 2.5 years of a pandemic? What are some of the qualities you have that helped you through this or other unsettling times? How can you put them to work right now?

On our end, I’ve created more flexible time in my calendar to just “be around” if my people need me. I may not need to do anything. And if there is something to do or talk about, I’ll be there during the transition. Teen whisperer, Lisa Damour, calls this "House Plant Parenting" and I’m here for it.

I hope all of your September transitions are going as you hoped and/or you’re getting the support you need for the bumps.

As always, consider me a resource – even if it’s just to say, “My kid said his first day was ‘meh’ and I’m taking that as a win!”

Podcasts for Your Summer of Rest

As part of my Summer of Rest (that has become a lot busier in August), I’ve been feeding my podcast addiction passion. Here’s a slightly random, but accurate snapshot of shows and topics that are peaking my interest these days.

Women and Leadership

Chief: The New Rules of Business

Multitasking Is a Lie. Have Women Been Duped Into Doing It All?

The Chief podcast is both powerful and hopeful when it comes to supporting women committed to growing in their leadership skills and presence. In this episode, Eve Rodsky, author of Fair Play and Find Your Unicorn Space outlines how the traditional roles we play out in our domestic partnerships can hold us back in our careers.


Next Steps on Abortion Access

Death, Sex and Money with Anna Sayle
This Isn’t Just About Abortion: What the End of Roe Means to You
Anna Sayle knows how to tell the stories we’re not hearing and bring them to the people who MUST hear them…and listen. This episode features Mississippi Abortion Rights Activist, Laurie Bertram Roberts, who is doing the hard work on the ground. Laurie has a message for all of us white women in the liberal northern states who were outraged after the Dobbs decision. In essence, don’t forget about us now that you’re moving on with your lives.


For Fun and Joy

Sam Sander’s new podcast - Into It
After mourning Sam’s departure from my once favorite podcast, It’s Been a Minute, I would follow Sam anywhere. I recommend binging the first few episodes. They’re just getting their rhythm, but it is fun and I feel like I’m reunited with a good friend. Missed you, Sam!


Culture and Progress

Ezra Klein Show
Gender is Complicated For All of Us: Let’s Talk About It.
I continue to be curious about the unraveling and reconfiguring of gender norms and expression. We’ve come so very far in our unlearning of our binary understanding of gender and as more of us embrace an openness and flexibility about how we see it, we also see the simultaneous backlash. The more we can learn from the teachers and activists leading the way in this change, the more we can unpack our own patriarchal gender norms and stand as allies with the most vulnerable communities facing the backlash. This interview with Professor Kathryn Bond Stockton, author of Gender(s), shares the gravity and complexity of this topic while also bringing out the playful nature of self expression that is so beautifully human.


Parenting Teens

Aspen Institute Panel (video)
The Kids Are Not Alright: But We Can Help
This is a video, but I listened to it on a walk focusing on the audio. With two teenagers in my house and with stories bringing the adolescent mental health crisis so close to home–I’ve been following some trusted experts on this topic who can provide guidance for parenting my own teens and resources I can offer to friends, colleagues and clients. Lisa Damour is one of those experts so when she shared this panel she participated in held at the Aspen Institute, I shut everything down and paid attention.

I hope you all are continuing to rest, relax, grow and learn in this natural reset of summer. Speaking of recharge time, next week I’ll be in the Outer Banks on the beach with my family so you won’t hear from me.

Share your beach reads and fav podcast listens. I can’t wait to dive in!