The Joy That Comes From Showing Up For Your People

One of my dearest friends premiered her film at the Tribeca Film Festival last week—and I was there to take in the moment. Sitting alongside my co-cheerleaders in the audience, we held onto each other and watched our girl shine on a panel of women filmmakers as we have done at all the screenings, fundraisers, focus groups and award ceremonies for the past 20+ years.

Bearing witness to my friend’s optimism, resilience and dogged persistence in an industry that’s only beginning to recognize the talent, value and contribution of women, leaves me with a heart full of gratitude to be on this journey alongside her. It has been a road filled with both disappointment and accolades, but being there—on both ends of the spectrum—is what makes the reward that much sweeter for everyone.

It’s a counterintuitive lesson in life, but I’ve found that somehow, it’s easier to show up for friends during the hard times. We spring into action, call in our resources and project manage the shit out of a crisis. We often feel more vulnerable showing up for the highs and I’ve taken note of those friends who’ve been there for me.

In the audience when I was singing my heart out in my twenties.

Peppered along the NYC marathon route with signs, families and protection from the wind.

Front row at my first talks and workshops after my career transition.

It’s not always easy to be there. It takes:

Saying yes and then rearranging your life logistics to make it so.

Confidence in your own successes and progress on your path.

Freedom from comparisons and judgment.

But what I continue to learn from showing up for my people and being supported by them is that while we are all on our own unique paths, our momentum, our resilience and our joy is collective. We feel it exponentially when it is shared. And it is not about critique or validation. Being there is about making people feel truly seen…and loved.

When You Know You Need A Break

If you’ve been following along, you know that I’ve just come through an intense period on the school-front with my older daughter. The lead up to learning about her middle school placement was stressful, and frankly, consuming—even though I coached myself through it several times a day.

Now that time is over. We know where she will go. We do feel lucky—especially given that placements were determined by lottery this year, and yet the day after we learned the news, I could not move on. I was still in knots and this was truly bad timing for my stagnant energy.

I knew I could use a break, a weeklong vacation, a day off (even an afternoon of playing hooky!) but I had much to accomplish that week: namely two corporate proposals and a workshop to plan on top of existing client sessions. I had the time blocked out on my calendar to do these bigger projects, but I was simply unable to string coherent sentences together.

I slammed my laptop shut, got some coaching from a colleague and friend, and was able to get what I needed to move on without booking an immediate beach vacation.

Here’s how to move forward in the short-term, when you know you need a break:

1. Acknowledge your effort
Man, I went to 12 school tours, countless meetings, managed a village worth of expectations—including those of a ten-year-old—and I was exhausted. I let this wash over me and you can too. Remind yourself of all you’ve done, the time and energy you’ve spent. Even if the results weren’t completely how you desired them to be, you worked hard and you did your best. Own it.

2. Refuel
When I thought about my reason for needing a weeklong vacation at that very moment, it was to de-pretzel. To relax. To renew. I put on my sneakers and walked in the park until I began to feel some release, some relief from this stuck place. You can do whatever you do that brings you energy and moves you through stress.

3. Reconnect to your "why"
After doing some work to put my recent past to rest, I needed a way to get my momentum back on the projects in front of me. My friend asked me a brilliant and simple question. "Why is this work important?" And I was back. Once I began talking about this work that I love—supporting employees in defining the leaders they want to be, while having the courage to be themselves instead of making comparisons to others—I was hooked and excited to dive in. What’s your "why" for the work you’re doing?

While I was able to complete my work last week and feel truly proud of what I accomplished, I did fight that nagging feeling that there was more I could have done. I knew I still wasn’t working with a full tank and to make it through I needed to set expectations accordingly. Be happy with quality, not quantity. Do the highest priority items and let some less important things slide. Hello, pile of mail growing on my counter. I’ll commune with you another day! Most importantly, I took the whole weekend off: Passover with family and extra time with my girls. While the beach isn’t in the cards just yet, I continue to build in mini-breaks so I can slowly get my mojo back and move on.

What Can You Learn By Sitting With Uncertainty?

Three weeks ago my productivity came to a grinding halt. While I had two new exciting projects to tackle—my mind was focused on one thing.

The thing for which I had no control.

The thing I judged myself for obsessing over even as I wrote this.

It seemed like such a teeny, tiny thing relative to all that was happening in the world and for other people. And yet, there I was. In a place where it was the only thing I could write about.

My daughter’s New York City middle school placement for next year.

A week later, I now know where she will go and the uncertainty is over.

But when I sat in the unknown—waiting on this important piece of data for our family—I was driven to ask, “Why is this taking up so much real estate in my brain right now?”

I’m an entrepreneur. I live in the space of uncertainty. My job and my path are completely unpredictable to me—and I thrive in this world where I create many things out of nothing.

So what’s different here? Why for weeks, did I painstakingly finish my writing and then decide to do my 57th Google search to see if anyone had heard anything about the day the placements would be released? With each search, I simultaneously prayed that I would be a more evolved parent by the time we hit high school and college anticipated results.

I’ve deduced that it wasn’t about:

My daughter’s mental state, because she was 100 percent cooler than me throughout the process.

The actual schools, because I know they are all good in their own ways and that we, as parents, have the power to make them even better.

Yet, it was about a practice of:

Releasing perfectionism and the notion that there was one more thing I could have done better in the process.

Breathing through my pre-feeling of what I expected her emotions to be.

I can’t protect her from disappointment or heartbreak and if I do, I’m robbing her of the experience of learning resilience in the face of those life moments.

And so, I breathed. I let go. I instituted a Google embargo for the week the results were released. I sat with the discomfort in the hopes that it was the very thing that would make me evolve before the next milestones come our way.

I did what I do during moments of stress. I wrote (thanks for listening), walked in the park, belted out show tunes with my girls and played rowdy games of tug of war with my puppy.

I drew the direct line between the career-focused resilience I’m helping my clients build in our work and the moment my daughter was facing—and I knew that no matter what news would be revealed, we would learn and we would be OK.

3 Ways To Prepare To Be A Working Parent

Despite my evolving feelings about Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In, one gem of wisdom that I continue to find critical as I’m coaching those who plan to become working parents in the near future is, "Don’t leave before you leave." Women take themselves off their career paths and out of workplaces that could potentially be supportive because of looming fears that they will be overwhelmed—needing to do it all and look perfect while doing it. Yet Laura Vanderkam points out in her book, I Know How She Does It, that often times the more senior roles bring greater autonomy and control over one’s schedule—so continuing on the rising path can offer more flexibility than most women assume.

Instead of taking yourself out of the game prematurely, if you’re considering starting a family within the next three years, I recommend these three paths forward:

1. Learn the art of authentic self-promotion
As I continue to point out in my writing, workshops and work with clients—doing good work is important. But it is not what gets you a larger budget for your project, head count on your team, promotions or raises. Most importantly, it does not help you make a bigger impact in your organization or in the world. You MUST tell people about the good work you’re doing, the work you’re proud to produce and the teams you’ve built. I’ve outlined ways to practice this skill in my 5 Commandments Of Self-Promotion. If you plant the seeds of your value early and often, when it comes time to have conversations about flexibility to navigate working parent life, you will find yourself having a vastly different dialogue than if you begin proving your value at the very moment you need support.

2. Practice boundary setting
How do you envision your working parent life to look? Truly, you will never know how it will go until you get there, but you can run some experiments and simulations that include setting clear boundaries around time. You can practice leaving the office at 5:30, perhaps exercise or cook a healthy meal instead of ordering in. Make your health a priority during this time, and beyond the benefits you will receive in energy, you will learn the art of asking for what you want…and holding to it. You can always get back online for an hour or so after you’re exercised, fed and on your couch—if you think it will help you get a better night’s sleep and start fresh in the AM. Notice how it feels for you to set different boundaries. What comes up? How can you work through it with your leaders? How can you be more efficient with your time while you’re in the office so that the organization will not be negatively impacted by this change?

3. Build out your network
Seek out other working parents who appear to be doing it well. Learn from them. Nurture these relationships so you can expand your understanding of what’s possible and be inspired by all they’re pulling off. Also, use this time to find advocates within your company and beyond. Before I had my first daughter, a former colleague was looking to recruit me into his new organization. I was transparent—as I have a tendency to be—and told him, "I’m on the path to having a child. If you have something flexible to offer in a year or so, I’m in." Eyes wide, he was not expecting that to come out of my mouth, and yet he hired me a year and a half later for a flexible marketing role where I controlled my hours.

As with anything in life, the more intentional you are about what you want to create, the more likely it is that you will make it so. While you don’t need to switch gears to get on what you assume is the mommy or parent track, you can begin thinking about your vision—redefining what success looks like for you as you enter working parenthood, while testing the waters to see if you’re in a place that will support you in claiming it.