The Paradox Of Being A Feminist Mom In A Culture That's Not

A few weeks ago, I was cozying up with our seven-year-old on the couch and without warning she blurted out, “I really wish women could propose to men.”

“They can! They do! And women propose to other women. And some people decide to simply be in love and not get married at all.” I sharply responded, my feet firmly planted on my soapbox. But as the words left my mouth, I was already in a well of shame. How does she not know this is possible? And why at her age is she focused on proposals? What an antiquated custom for my modern daughter to be pondering on a Saturday afternoon. While I would love to blame Fuller House, I scolded myself. Bad feminist mom!

As I emerged from my spiral, I decided to use this cringe-worthy moment as a way to dive into it with her. “What brought this up for you?”

“Well, I don’t want to wait around for someone to propose to me. I just want to do it myself.”

Phew. All is not lost. She’s questioning a custom I thought was law growing up and actively participated in as part of my own rite of passage.

It reminds me of how far I’ve come in the past 15 years—and also brings to light the nuanced approach to parenting one must take when the landmines that live within our own muscle memory are reinforced by all of the media and messages around us.

It’s why—in our home—we talk about bodies being strong and healthy and capable of impressive swimming and soccer feats.

It’s why I am always kind and positive about my own body in front of the girls which has offered a wonderful side-benefit of taking in those messages and believing them. In the process, I have healed years of body shame passed down by multiple generations of the women in my family.

It’s why I held my tongue in criticizing women not wearing makeup on the red carpet when watching the Academy Awards with my daughters. My gut instinct was to go there. The years of beauty programming and messaging are in me at a cellular level, but my girls are helping me notice the hypocrisy in those moments.

It’s why my husband does most of the cooking and I handle the finances—even though I initially handed over all financial responsibility to him when we got married. I wanted somebody to save me from dealing with something this hard, something our culture deems out of my realm and I finally realized that I was that person.

It’s why I don’t tell my girls, “You can be anything you want to be.” as I was told. That was not true then and it is not a foregone conclusion now. I tweak the message to acknowledge our reality. “I hope you can be anything you want to be, and we will fight together to bring down the barriers and the customs that diminish our power—and the biases even we ourselves have accepted as truth—to improve your odds.”

I’m learning that in order to be the feminist parent I want to be, I must have compassion for myself as I challenge the biases I carry with me. I can model my questioning for my daughters who will also inevitably internalize many of the biases of our culture. My hope for them is that they will also have the confidence to challenge gender norms and what’s possible for us—while our culture makes incremental shifts toward a bigger change.

To Amp Up Your Job Search Momentum, Do This

When I started my coaching practice, I was juggling: a digital marketing role, coach training, building out the infrastructure for the business and—oh yeah—being a mom to seven and four-year-old daughters. When experts told me I needed to network in order to get my business up and running, my head sank in despair.

When am I going to find time to do that?

How will I go to events and coffees and lunches and drinks?

Is this the wrong time for me to be doing this?

Knowing that adding two to three events per week was most likely out of scope for my life at that moment, I decided to run an experiment. I naturally see a lot of people throughout my day. School drop-off, kids’ birthday parties on the weekends, extended family gatherings, the line at the local coffee shop—these were all opportunities to talk about the business and I was letting them pass me by.

I adopted a new mantra: Network where you are.

And to this day, while it did not come easily at first, I credit it as THE tactic that officially launched my company. Sure, the website, social media presence and successful client experiences helped, but it was the practice of sharing my message and my mission with a multitude of people, and being clear about ways they could support me that drove my referrals, connections and momentum.

With my clients who are busy working parents in the midst of career transitions or job searches, we use the same approach and see remarkable success in gaining traction and landing the right jobs for them. Here’s how they do it:

1. Get clear on your elevator pitch. Here’s another blog post where I provide an elevator pitch formula. For those in career transitions, here’s a variation on that pitch framework.

2. When you’re in a conversation with someone who shows up in your natural daily path, play this game: how seamlessly can I plant a seed about my job search into the conversation? Practice new and different ways to bring up the topic to keep it both fresh and interesting for you and your audience.

3. Remember, it’s about practice—not perfection. The more you speak your pitch out loud (without dying), the better you will get at delivering it—tailoring it to each new audience and owning it. You will stumble. You will lose your way. Learn from those moments instead of beating yourself up about them.

4. Use these conversations as a way to learn about the work others are passionate about, their roles and what’s possible out there outside of being a lawyer, a doctor, an engineer, etc. Lead with your curiosity so you can expand your understanding of what a potential path could look like for you.

As you walk through your life increasing the frequency of your pitch conversations, you will go through a period of battling "the ick factor." It will feel awkward or salesy or fake or whatever label for fear that resonates with you. But make no mistake—fear is what it is. It’s the fear that you will forget how to string sentences together in that moment. That you’re an impostor. It’s the fear that you will get what you want and fail at it. Know that on the other side of that fear is the ability to control your message so that you can take charge of your career and your life. This skill you’re practicing for a job search right now will eventually translate into authentic self-promotion in your future roles and organizations. And at the heart of these conversations, there is a pride in what you do, a hunger for what you want to learn and a passion for the problems in the world you want to solve. If that’s not the conversation you’re having, that may be part of why this is so hard for you. If it is, step out of your own way and go forth in finding your collaborators, wherever you are.

Here's Why I Talk About My Kids At Work

I spoke on the phone last week with a new potential partner—another coach supporting working moms. We talked business for 20-minutes, discussed potential client engagements and rates, and then, with the most natural conversation flow, she launched into her pro-mom tips for my upcoming LA trip with my 7 and 10-year-old daughters. After I hung up, I took in both the simplicity and the gravity of what just happened.

In a 30-minute professional conversation, I was a focused business owner, advocating for myself AND I was a mom. Both roles were normal. Both roles were accepted. Both celebrated.

This is quite a different experience to what many of my clients are navigating in their corporate roles.

In our coaching sessions, each part of their lives is one that could bring them to a breakthrough on all parts of their lives. So we go there. Diving into their challenges in giving feedback to a nanny or family member provides insights on the issues they’re having in leading their teams. When we flow so freely between the topics, I often hear a sigh of relief.

“It’s so nice to talk about being a mom WHILE I’m at work.”

“I’m constantly compartmentalizing. I feel like I’m living a double life.”

“I feel like I have to hide one of the most important parts of me. And that’s exhausting.”

With my clients, we break through those fears of acknowledging their kids and the importance of being a mother—by experimenting with bringing those things into view in small ways.

If they lead teams, they ask parents on the team about their kids—in front of other team members—normalizing the conversation. Removing all judgment and shame from the topic.

They find that natural way to drop insightful comments about parenting or learnings from it that have impacted or transformed their thinking.

The dialogue is not all about flexibility, the leeway they need from a boss or the time they will be taking away from their jobs. While these are important pieces of the picture, and things to advocate for, my experience is that this is where we focus when we talk about being parents in our career—which is hard to sell as a win-win.

Parenting can be an additive experience to an employee’s life. It can bring them leadership knowledge before they ever become leaders in their career. It brings them joy. Clearly, for me, it brings me life stories to share with those who want to listen.

I begin each one of my corporate workshops or trainings with a story about my kids that’s relevant to the topic. It gets the biggest laugh of the day and it leaves my audience with the vision that it’s possible to be an expert on leadership, run a successful business and be a mom. And that’s exactly the takeaway I want them to have, so that if they so choose, they can do their own version of that, too.

Working Moms Make It Work: Here's How

Unlike most working mothers, my mornings are very flexible. My work-day officially starts after dropping my girls off at school, so I do that shift almost every morning. That said, my afternoons are chock-full with sessions, workshops, networking meetings and whatever other strange errands come with running your own business.

For a neighbor and friend who has an intense full-time job (and is getting her PhD to boot) mornings are a bit of a shit show. 8 am meetings for both parents and frequent travel makes getting everyone dressed, out the door and to their respective places of learning a major triumph.

That’s where I come in. When I get a text the night before asking to take her kids to school the next morning, I almost always say yes. Something so easy for me can make the odd shaped puzzle pieces of my friend’s morning line up. And when I have an afternoon childcare coverage gap and I’m off to give a workshop on Mastering The Work-Life Juggle (walking the talk, people), she’s always on it—as are all of the other moms in what feels like my underground working mom network.

In response to one of my clients who recently said, "I just don’t know how working parents in New York City do it. How is this all possible?"

Here’s how:

When we can take your kids, your dog, pick up something at the store for your sick family member—we do it.

When we can make life easier for you and help you simplify even a bit—we do it.

When we can help you feel like we got your back, you’re not alone and we are invested in your success—we do it.

And we know you would and you do—do it for us too.

It is an unspoken, but tangible agreement among us. Appreciation comes with happy kids who think they’re simply having another playdate, texts with fist bump emojis, the occasional bottle of wine, a continuing exchange of support and most importantly, an honoring of this agreement—this underground mom team—with the pursuit of our own successes and dreams.

Generosity with my time was not always a strength of mine. I guarded my hours with an iron fist, but I’ve learned that not only does helping feel good, but it’s also aligned with my mission of getting more women into positions of power. There is a knowing that by taking on some of the load where we can, we are fueling the progress, the power shift and the equity we want to see. In the process of lifting my mom team up, I’m building community and connection with people who are also going beyond what they thought was possible—which leaves this feminist mom and coach with a full heart.