Here's Why I Talk About My Kids At Work

I spoke on the phone last week with a new potential partner—another coach supporting working moms. We talked business for 20-minutes, discussed potential client engagements and rates, and then, with the most natural conversation flow, she launched into her pro-mom tips for my upcoming LA trip with my 7 and 10-year-old daughters. After I hung up, I took in both the simplicity and the gravity of what just happened.

In a 30-minute professional conversation, I was a focused business owner, advocating for myself AND I was a mom. Both roles were normal. Both roles were accepted. Both celebrated.

This is quite a different experience to what many of my clients are navigating in their corporate roles.

In our coaching sessions, each part of their lives is one that could bring them to a breakthrough on all parts of their lives. So we go there. Diving into their challenges in giving feedback to a nanny or family member provides insights on the issues they’re having in leading their teams. When we flow so freely between the topics, I often hear a sigh of relief.

“It’s so nice to talk about being a mom WHILE I’m at work.”

“I’m constantly compartmentalizing. I feel like I’m living a double life.”

“I feel like I have to hide one of the most important parts of me. And that’s exhausting.”

With my clients, we break through those fears of acknowledging their kids and the importance of being a mother—by experimenting with bringing those things into view in small ways.

If they lead teams, they ask parents on the team about their kids—in front of other team members—normalizing the conversation. Removing all judgment and shame from the topic.

They find that natural way to drop insightful comments about parenting or learnings from it that have impacted or transformed their thinking.

The dialogue is not all about flexibility, the leeway they need from a boss or the time they will be taking away from their jobs. While these are important pieces of the picture, and things to advocate for, my experience is that this is where we focus when we talk about being parents in our career—which is hard to sell as a win-win.

Parenting can be an additive experience to an employee’s life. It can bring them leadership knowledge before they ever become leaders in their career. It brings them joy. Clearly, for me, it brings me life stories to share with those who want to listen.

I begin each one of my corporate workshops or trainings with a story about my kids that’s relevant to the topic. It gets the biggest laugh of the day and it leaves my audience with the vision that it’s possible to be an expert on leadership, run a successful business and be a mom. And that’s exactly the takeaway I want them to have, so that if they so choose, they can do their own version of that, too.

Working Moms Make It Work: Here's How

Unlike most working mothers, my mornings are very flexible. My work-day officially starts after dropping my girls off at school, so I do that shift almost every morning. That said, my afternoons are chock-full with sessions, workshops, networking meetings and whatever other strange errands come with running your own business.

For a neighbor and friend who has an intense full-time job (and is getting her PhD to boot) mornings are a bit of a shit show. 8 am meetings for both parents and frequent travel makes getting everyone dressed, out the door and to their respective places of learning a major triumph.

That’s where I come in. When I get a text the night before asking to take her kids to school the next morning, I almost always say yes. Something so easy for me can make the odd shaped puzzle pieces of my friend’s morning line up. And when I have an afternoon childcare coverage gap and I’m off to give a workshop on Mastering The Work-Life Juggle (walking the talk, people), she’s always on it—as are all of the other moms in what feels like my underground working mom network.

In response to one of my clients who recently said, "I just don’t know how working parents in New York City do it. How is this all possible?"

Here’s how:

When we can take your kids, your dog, pick up something at the store for your sick family member—we do it.

When we can make life easier for you and help you simplify even a bit—we do it.

When we can help you feel like we got your back, you’re not alone and we are invested in your success—we do it.

And we know you would and you do—do it for us too.

It is an unspoken, but tangible agreement among us. Appreciation comes with happy kids who think they’re simply having another playdate, texts with fist bump emojis, the occasional bottle of wine, a continuing exchange of support and most importantly, an honoring of this agreement—this underground mom team—with the pursuit of our own successes and dreams.

Generosity with my time was not always a strength of mine. I guarded my hours with an iron fist, but I’ve learned that not only does helping feel good, but it’s also aligned with my mission of getting more women into positions of power. There is a knowing that by taking on some of the load where we can, we are fueling the progress, the power shift and the equity we want to see. In the process of lifting my mom team up, I’m building community and connection with people who are also going beyond what they thought was possible—which leaves this feminist mom and coach with a full heart.

3 Ways To Get The Kind Of Love You Need The Most

As I tolerate a week of my dining table cluttered with chocolate kisses, markers and teeny handwritten notes with the most delightful misspellings in the lead up to Valentine’s Day, I’m struck by how exciting this holiday is to my kids. Sure, the candy is part of it, along with all of the reds, pinks and hearts, but there’s clearly more to it than that. It’s the love.

It’s a day of acknowledging—even in some small way—that we like each other or even that we love each other. That we belong with each other, even if and when we’re quite different from one another. Beyond the chocolate, it’s the unique displays of appreciation that say, I see you.

Kids get this and are solid in their practice of accepting and (let’s be honest) demanding the love that they require. As adult humans, we are fueled by this love and feeling of belonging. And yet, in our addiction to busy and quest for productivity, we often lose sight of it’s importance—until we’re depleted and lonely.

One way to turn this train around—to begin accepting and offering more love in your life—is to start with self-love. As the wise Brené Brown says, "When you get to a place where you understand that love and belonging, your worthiness, is a birthright and not something you have to earn, anything is possible."

Here are 3 ways to get started:

1. Prioritize something that brings you joy
Schedule joy into your calendar for at least one hour a week. Sure, you have a million things to do for other people, but your meeting with YOUR JOY is your most important meeting of the week.

2. Write a love letter…to yourself
Yes, it’s true the corniest sounding exercises can be the most powerful ones. I often ask my clients to write forgiveness letters to themselves. This one goes a step further. What do you love about yourself? It could be who you are as a leader, a parent or a friend. Or it could even be your adorable pinky toe hidden away in winter boots. Extol your many virtues in a note that acknowledges all you’ve been through and how you make people feel.

3. Do something that scares you
When you push yourself to do something you fear, you’re demonstrating a confidence in your abilities and a belief that you can get through it, no matter what happens. You are that resilient being who can move through heartbreak and loss—knowing that it was all worth it for the way you felt in that moment, for what those people—who are now gone—brought into your life. And that resilience fuels you for more growth, to continue to step into the unknown—which is truly where the magic happens.

So, no matter who’s in your life and who’s not this Valentine’s Day, you have the most important person—the one you truly need to make it in this world. Take care of that human. He/she/they have been through a lot. You’ve earned a piece of chocolate stolen from the dining room table and a movie at your favorite new theater with the reserved seats, or even a night out to a book-signing and talk about puberty…which is my big Valentine’s plan! Whatever it is, feel the love, own it, believe you are worth the possibilities and all of the warm and fuzzies that come with them.

Who's In Your Inner Circle?

I had the honor and the gift of attending a friend’s surprise 50th birthday party last week. After the shock wore off, the birthday girl sat aglow amongst 12 of her core people from every stage of life. The love in the room was strong and we were buzzed before the wine was even poured.

This is what it looks like when you dive into relationships with a full heart, the generosity to show up for people and the clarity to know what’s important to you in a friend. On the flip side, in my work with clients, often issues in their relationships arise and we notice that some of the challenges that show up in their careers are also present in their friendships. It is a lonely place to be.

They feel they can’t be completely themselves.

They don’t advocate for what they want or need.

They feel baited into drama and noise instead of what’s important to them.

They don’t feel seen or heard.

I like to remind them—you’re choosing all of that. If you’ve now decided you’re going to walk away from those dynamics in your career and you’re going to be a leader in your role—let’s practice by helping you become a leader in your life.

Who are you being with your people and who do you want to be?

What are you tolerating in your relationships and what are the things you will no longer accept?

In order to help clients set boundaries, we draw on an exercise I use with job seekers defining what they ABSOLUTELY need in their next roles. We get clear on the 5 non-negotiables for a next role like—flexibility, a boss who’s not an asshole, learning and growth—you get the idea. With clients struggling in friendships, we translate this to, "What are the non-negotiable qualities you need in a friend?" For me those five would be:

1. Respect (my time, my boundaries, me being me)

2. Vulnerability (can go there and can be present when I do)

3. Humor (either you make me laugh or you laugh at my jokes or BOTH!)

4. Depth (focus on the stuff that matters, not the petty drama)

5. Agency (you know you are in charge of your own life and you are proactive about shaping it)

When you figure this out, you can tweak who you’re being in relationships to make sure you’re in integrity with this list of qualities. In this process, there may be some bonds that don’t make it through the filter. If they don’t, it’s not always necessary to end the relationship altogether. Instead, you can keep these people in your life, but in a smaller way. You can decide to set different boundaries, see them less often and call on them less for your needs. They may not make it to your inner circle, but they can still be a part of your life in a way that works for you.

Of course, if the relationship is toxic and wearing down your energy and your health, you may need to walk away completely. Get the support you need in doing this. There was something you were getting out of that relationship—even if it wasn’t serving you. Breaking from that dynamic can be simultaneously uncomfortable and a relief for your soul. It’s never too late (or too early) to do this exercise. Whether you’re nearing your 50th birthday or just starting out after college—know that who you share your life, your dreams and your toughest moments with is your choice. And when you set intentions about who you want it to be, they show up in your life by surprise and to remind you of all the things you need most.