Working Moms Make It Work: Here's How

Unlike most working mothers, my mornings are very flexible. My work-day officially starts after dropping my girls off at school, so I do that shift almost every morning. That said, my afternoons are chock-full with sessions, workshops, networking meetings and whatever other strange errands come with running your own business.

For a neighbor and friend who has an intense full-time job (and is getting her PhD to boot) mornings are a bit of a shit show. 8 am meetings for both parents and frequent travel makes getting everyone dressed, out the door and to their respective places of learning a major triumph.

That’s where I come in. When I get a text the night before asking to take her kids to school the next morning, I almost always say yes. Something so easy for me can make the odd shaped puzzle pieces of my friend’s morning line up. And when I have an afternoon childcare coverage gap and I’m off to give a workshop on Mastering The Work-Life Juggle (walking the talk, people), she’s always on it—as are all of the other moms in what feels like my underground working mom network.

In response to one of my clients who recently said, "I just don’t know how working parents in New York City do it. How is this all possible?"

Here’s how:

When we can take your kids, your dog, pick up something at the store for your sick family member—we do it.

When we can make life easier for you and help you simplify even a bit—we do it.

When we can help you feel like we got your back, you’re not alone and we are invested in your success—we do it.

And we know you would and you do—do it for us too.

It is an unspoken, but tangible agreement among us. Appreciation comes with happy kids who think they’re simply having another playdate, texts with fist bump emojis, the occasional bottle of wine, a continuing exchange of support and most importantly, an honoring of this agreement—this underground mom team—with the pursuit of our own successes and dreams.

Generosity with my time was not always a strength of mine. I guarded my hours with an iron fist, but I’ve learned that not only does helping feel good, but it’s also aligned with my mission of getting more women into positions of power. There is a knowing that by taking on some of the load where we can, we are fueling the progress, the power shift and the equity we want to see. In the process of lifting my mom team up, I’m building community and connection with people who are also going beyond what they thought was possible—which leaves this feminist mom and coach with a full heart.

3 Ways To Get The Kind Of Love You Need The Most

As I tolerate a week of my dining table cluttered with chocolate kisses, markers and teeny handwritten notes with the most delightful misspellings in the lead up to Valentine’s Day, I’m struck by how exciting this holiday is to my kids. Sure, the candy is part of it, along with all of the reds, pinks and hearts, but there’s clearly more to it than that. It’s the love.

It’s a day of acknowledging—even in some small way—that we like each other or even that we love each other. That we belong with each other, even if and when we’re quite different from one another. Beyond the chocolate, it’s the unique displays of appreciation that say, I see you.

Kids get this and are solid in their practice of accepting and (let’s be honest) demanding the love that they require. As adult humans, we are fueled by this love and feeling of belonging. And yet, in our addiction to busy and quest for productivity, we often lose sight of it’s importance—until we’re depleted and lonely.

One way to turn this train around—to begin accepting and offering more love in your life—is to start with self-love. As the wise Brené Brown says, "When you get to a place where you understand that love and belonging, your worthiness, is a birthright and not something you have to earn, anything is possible."

Here are 3 ways to get started:

1. Prioritize something that brings you joy
Schedule joy into your calendar for at least one hour a week. Sure, you have a million things to do for other people, but your meeting with YOUR JOY is your most important meeting of the week.

2. Write a love letter…to yourself
Yes, it’s true the corniest sounding exercises can be the most powerful ones. I often ask my clients to write forgiveness letters to themselves. This one goes a step further. What do you love about yourself? It could be who you are as a leader, a parent or a friend. Or it could even be your adorable pinky toe hidden away in winter boots. Extol your many virtues in a note that acknowledges all you’ve been through and how you make people feel.

3. Do something that scares you
When you push yourself to do something you fear, you’re demonstrating a confidence in your abilities and a belief that you can get through it, no matter what happens. You are that resilient being who can move through heartbreak and loss—knowing that it was all worth it for the way you felt in that moment, for what those people—who are now gone—brought into your life. And that resilience fuels you for more growth, to continue to step into the unknown—which is truly where the magic happens.

So, no matter who’s in your life and who’s not this Valentine’s Day, you have the most important person—the one you truly need to make it in this world. Take care of that human. He/she/they have been through a lot. You’ve earned a piece of chocolate stolen from the dining room table and a movie at your favorite new theater with the reserved seats, or even a night out to a book-signing and talk about puberty…which is my big Valentine’s plan! Whatever it is, feel the love, own it, believe you are worth the possibilities and all of the warm and fuzzies that come with them.

Who's In Your Inner Circle?

I had the honor and the gift of attending a friend’s surprise 50th birthday party last week. After the shock wore off, the birthday girl sat aglow amongst 12 of her core people from every stage of life. The love in the room was strong and we were buzzed before the wine was even poured.

This is what it looks like when you dive into relationships with a full heart, the generosity to show up for people and the clarity to know what’s important to you in a friend. On the flip side, in my work with clients, often issues in their relationships arise and we notice that some of the challenges that show up in their careers are also present in their friendships. It is a lonely place to be.

They feel they can’t be completely themselves.

They don’t advocate for what they want or need.

They feel baited into drama and noise instead of what’s important to them.

They don’t feel seen or heard.

I like to remind them—you’re choosing all of that. If you’ve now decided you’re going to walk away from those dynamics in your career and you’re going to be a leader in your role—let’s practice by helping you become a leader in your life.

Who are you being with your people and who do you want to be?

What are you tolerating in your relationships and what are the things you will no longer accept?

In order to help clients set boundaries, we draw on an exercise I use with job seekers defining what they ABSOLUTELY need in their next roles. We get clear on the 5 non-negotiables for a next role like—flexibility, a boss who’s not an asshole, learning and growth—you get the idea. With clients struggling in friendships, we translate this to, "What are the non-negotiable qualities you need in a friend?" For me those five would be:

1. Respect (my time, my boundaries, me being me)

2. Vulnerability (can go there and can be present when I do)

3. Humor (either you make me laugh or you laugh at my jokes or BOTH!)

4. Depth (focus on the stuff that matters, not the petty drama)

5. Agency (you know you are in charge of your own life and you are proactive about shaping it)

When you figure this out, you can tweak who you’re being in relationships to make sure you’re in integrity with this list of qualities. In this process, there may be some bonds that don’t make it through the filter. If they don’t, it’s not always necessary to end the relationship altogether. Instead, you can keep these people in your life, but in a smaller way. You can decide to set different boundaries, see them less often and call on them less for your needs. They may not make it to your inner circle, but they can still be a part of your life in a way that works for you.

Of course, if the relationship is toxic and wearing down your energy and your health, you may need to walk away completely. Get the support you need in doing this. There was something you were getting out of that relationship—even if it wasn’t serving you. Breaking from that dynamic can be simultaneously uncomfortable and a relief for your soul. It’s never too late (or too early) to do this exercise. Whether you’re nearing your 50th birthday or just starting out after college—know that who you share your life, your dreams and your toughest moments with is your choice. And when you set intentions about who you want it to be, they show up in your life by surprise and to remind you of all the things you need most.

The Do's And Don'ts Of Working With Friends

In a recent workshop with women business-owners and consultants, I stepped into a moment of pride as I shared the list of reasons many of us decide to go into business for ourselves. Of course, flexibility and choice of projects and clients top the list, and then there are the days you never leave your sweatpants.

But hands down, one of my favorite perks of running my own company is creating opportunities to work with friends.

In my corporate career prior to my transition to coaching, I was a leader fueled by connection and often built lasting friendships with colleagues. That said, since those were relationships that began within a career context—the lines of how to jump back and forth between the personal and professional were drawn within my muscle memory. It felt natural.

I’ve come to realize that while this felt easy for me—perhaps because I witnessed the modeling of strong, clear leaders doing it well or because I lean toward a style of over-communication—it is something that can present a challenge for many in both their own businesses and in corporate roles. Often I see clients in the midst of corporate restructurings and their colleagues, now friends, are being moved above or below them. It can feel awkward. It can bring up fear and anxiety for all involved. But as I like to say in session, “What if you looked at it in a completely different way?”

When you get the opportunity to work with or even for your friends, that’s when your career can become another level of fun.

Here are some ways I work with clients to address the anxiety of this transition so they can reap the benefits that are possible on the other side.

1. Set clear boundaries
Give yourself time for a deep think on what boundaries will make this relationship feel safe for you in both a personal and professional setting. Do you want to remind your friend of what personal things you would not want revealed at the office? Or do you want to ban all talk of the personal while at work? And vice-versa, when you’re out with your friend at a dinner or gathering feel free to tap her on the shoulder to say, “Let’s not talk about work the whole time.” When you are both clear about where to draw the lines, you can enjoy the benefits and efficiencies of working with someone you truly respect and admire as a human.

2. Create a habit of transparent communication
When the sticky moments arise, which they inevitably will, push through the discomfort. Be honest, vulnerable and clear. The more you can build this into a habit for your communication with your friend—both at and outside of work—the more comfort you will gain. You may have to talk about money. You will disagree. Set expectations that you know these things will come up and that sometimes you will both squirm, but you are committed to working through anything because this relationship is important to you.

3. Discuss what would create a win-win
If your friend has now become your boss, you may be looking at this situation from all of its negative angles. And, as with any aspect of life, if you seek the negative, you are sure to find it. That said, how can you look at this scenario so that you both get what you want? You can work together to discuss what success could look like for each of you, and then forge forward supporting each other in getting to those goals. Remove egos and the opinions of everyone else. Who cares how this looks to others. Become champions for each other’s goals. Become a power team.

While I clearly have my POV here and have experienced the joy of working with my people, only you can be the judge of whether you’re in a relationship that can span these two worlds. If boundaries and communication are tough in a personal relationship, most likely they will be challenging in the professional realm as well. That said, in the friendships where it does work, you can get so skilled at navigating these dual relationships that you can build a shorthand where the communication happens in a look, a tap on the shoulder or an emoji-only text. While this process may feel complex or fraught, remember we spend the majority of our time in our work, so why not choose to spend it with the people in our inner circle.