Who's In Your Inner Circle?

I had the honor and the gift of attending a friend’s surprise 50th birthday party last week. After the shock wore off, the birthday girl sat aglow amongst 12 of her core people from every stage of life. The love in the room was strong and we were buzzed before the wine was even poured.

This is what it looks like when you dive into relationships with a full heart, the generosity to show up for people and the clarity to know what’s important to you in a friend. On the flip side, in my work with clients, often issues in their relationships arise and we notice that some of the challenges that show up in their careers are also present in their friendships. It is a lonely place to be.

They feel they can’t be completely themselves.

They don’t advocate for what they want or need.

They feel baited into drama and noise instead of what’s important to them.

They don’t feel seen or heard.

I like to remind them—you’re choosing all of that. If you’ve now decided you’re going to walk away from those dynamics in your career and you’re going to be a leader in your role—let’s practice by helping you become a leader in your life.

Who are you being with your people and who do you want to be?

What are you tolerating in your relationships and what are the things you will no longer accept?

In order to help clients set boundaries, we draw on an exercise I use with job seekers defining what they ABSOLUTELY need in their next roles. We get clear on the 5 non-negotiables for a next role like—flexibility, a boss who’s not an asshole, learning and growth—you get the idea. With clients struggling in friendships, we translate this to, "What are the non-negotiable qualities you need in a friend?" For me those five would be:

1. Respect (my time, my boundaries, me being me)

2. Vulnerability (can go there and can be present when I do)

3. Humor (either you make me laugh or you laugh at my jokes or BOTH!)

4. Depth (focus on the stuff that matters, not the petty drama)

5. Agency (you know you are in charge of your own life and you are proactive about shaping it)

When you figure this out, you can tweak who you’re being in relationships to make sure you’re in integrity with this list of qualities. In this process, there may be some bonds that don’t make it through the filter. If they don’t, it’s not always necessary to end the relationship altogether. Instead, you can keep these people in your life, but in a smaller way. You can decide to set different boundaries, see them less often and call on them less for your needs. They may not make it to your inner circle, but they can still be a part of your life in a way that works for you.

Of course, if the relationship is toxic and wearing down your energy and your health, you may need to walk away completely. Get the support you need in doing this. There was something you were getting out of that relationship—even if it wasn’t serving you. Breaking from that dynamic can be simultaneously uncomfortable and a relief for your soul. It’s never too late (or too early) to do this exercise. Whether you’re nearing your 50th birthday or just starting out after college—know that who you share your life, your dreams and your toughest moments with is your choice. And when you set intentions about who you want it to be, they show up in your life by surprise and to remind you of all the things you need most.

The Do's And Don'ts Of Working With Friends

In a recent workshop with women business-owners and consultants, I stepped into a moment of pride as I shared the list of reasons many of us decide to go into business for ourselves. Of course, flexibility and choice of projects and clients top the list, and then there are the days you never leave your sweatpants.

But hands down, one of my favorite perks of running my own company is creating opportunities to work with friends.

In my corporate career prior to my transition to coaching, I was a leader fueled by connection and often built lasting friendships with colleagues. That said, since those were relationships that began within a career context—the lines of how to jump back and forth between the personal and professional were drawn within my muscle memory. It felt natural.

I’ve come to realize that while this felt easy for me—perhaps because I witnessed the modeling of strong, clear leaders doing it well or because I lean toward a style of over-communication—it is something that can present a challenge for many in both their own businesses and in corporate roles. Often I see clients in the midst of corporate restructurings and their colleagues, now friends, are being moved above or below them. It can feel awkward. It can bring up fear and anxiety for all involved. But as I like to say in session, “What if you looked at it in a completely different way?”

When you get the opportunity to work with or even for your friends, that’s when your career can become another level of fun.

Here are some ways I work with clients to address the anxiety of this transition so they can reap the benefits that are possible on the other side.

1. Set clear boundaries
Give yourself time for a deep think on what boundaries will make this relationship feel safe for you in both a personal and professional setting. Do you want to remind your friend of what personal things you would not want revealed at the office? Or do you want to ban all talk of the personal while at work? And vice-versa, when you’re out with your friend at a dinner or gathering feel free to tap her on the shoulder to say, “Let’s not talk about work the whole time.” When you are both clear about where to draw the lines, you can enjoy the benefits and efficiencies of working with someone you truly respect and admire as a human.

2. Create a habit of transparent communication
When the sticky moments arise, which they inevitably will, push through the discomfort. Be honest, vulnerable and clear. The more you can build this into a habit for your communication with your friend—both at and outside of work—the more comfort you will gain. You may have to talk about money. You will disagree. Set expectations that you know these things will come up and that sometimes you will both squirm, but you are committed to working through anything because this relationship is important to you.

3. Discuss what would create a win-win
If your friend has now become your boss, you may be looking at this situation from all of its negative angles. And, as with any aspect of life, if you seek the negative, you are sure to find it. That said, how can you look at this scenario so that you both get what you want? You can work together to discuss what success could look like for each of you, and then forge forward supporting each other in getting to those goals. Remove egos and the opinions of everyone else. Who cares how this looks to others. Become champions for each other’s goals. Become a power team.

While I clearly have my POV here and have experienced the joy of working with my people, only you can be the judge of whether you’re in a relationship that can span these two worlds. If boundaries and communication are tough in a personal relationship, most likely they will be challenging in the professional realm as well. That said, in the friendships where it does work, you can get so skilled at navigating these dual relationships that you can build a shorthand where the communication happens in a look, a tap on the shoulder or an emoji-only text. While this process may feel complex or fraught, remember we spend the majority of our time in our work, so why not choose to spend it with the people in our inner circle.

How Do You Want To Be Remembered?

Last week I went to a funeral for a friend’s mom. I never met her, but that sure didn’t stop me from weeping like we shared our deepest, darkest together. Yes, after much self-reflection along my journey, I’ve come to an acceptance around being that girl at the stranger’s funeral. I’m sure there’s part of me that connects this moment to all of those important and traumatic funerals that came before.

But now more than ever, as someone who helps people create lives driven by all that’s meaningful to them, I’m moved, held and tightly gripped by the ritual telling of a human’s story.

Who was she to her people?

What did she fight like hell to overcome?

What were her quirks that simultaneously drove people crazy and drew them close?

How would she want to be remembered and is that how we will remember her?

As a committed soldier to the practice of life transformation, bearing witness to the authentic recounting of imperfect and beautiful lives drives me to ask the questions:

1. Am I living my truth?

2. How do I inspire others to commit to living theirs, no matter how hard or unpopular it may be to do so?

To address my own truth, I’m constantly tweaking and checking in on who I’m being and the impact I’m making. And then, by writing it all down to share with the people who care, I recognize that I am, in fact, living it.

I’m fighting for a more equitable world for my daughters and for women, and I truly believe we will see change in my lifetime. All that said, I often feel I can be doing more, and it all looks pretty messy in practice. I fear the impact I want to make comes at the cost of the people I love and the time I have to care for them.

That’s where my focus goes when I think about my legacy.

I want to be remembered as someone who fought for a more equitable world so that all humans have the opportunity to create lives according to what’s most important to them AND I want my people to know that they are/were loved by me. That our connections are what change me and fuel me and make me want to do the work I do. Alas, this is the hard part and the area I know I can do better. And will do better.

When it comes to the people in my sphere—the lives I have the honor to touch—we zero in on whether they’re living intentional, meaningful lives by creating what I call a Legacy Gap Analysis. Here’s how it works:

1. Write your eulogy, the story of your life as if it ended right now.

2. Now, write what you WANT the retelling of your life to sound like, for your people and for the world.

3. Where are the gaps in your two stories?

4. What steps can you take right now to fill in those gaps? Hint: it’s less about goals you can accomplish and more about who you are being in your life.

Once you’ve completed your analysis, approach it without judgment. This is where you are. There are many stories you can create about where you are. Choose those stories that spring from compassion for yourself and how far you’ve come. These are the narratives that will help you connect with all the work still to do within your gap. It is your work to do and you can let every breath be a reminder that there is still time to make that impact on the world you are driven to make and to love your people the way you know they need to be loved.

Two Ways To Avoid Career Stagnation

Often times when we get comfortable in a role, we put down roots—and well, get even more comfortable. We can make sense of a job that is known. It’s predictable. It’s safe. It’s autopilot amenable. Career autopilot can serve a purpose. It helps us shift priorities when life happens. When we have babies or losses. When we run marathons or tend to injuries from said marathons.

But something happens when we sleepwalk through our careers.

We wake up:

Writing the same deck for the umpteenth time with a new set of logos.

Falling down the same rabbit holes because a senior leader heard a buzzword.

Giving in to decisions that aren’t aligned with our values.

And we wonder, "How did I get here?" The answer is simple—you forgot or chose not to do these two things.

1. Focus on learning and growth
When we identify how we want to grow in our careers and then step onto the path to doing so, we boost our energy and our expertise—coming up with new clues for longer-term goals. Lucky for us, there are a multitude of ways to address our development areas that range from hundreds of dollars to free. Reignite your learning with workshops, classes, conferences, conversations, YouTube videos, Meetups, books, podcasts—and any other way you can think to possibly digest content in the coming year.

2. Network and connect without an agenda
One critical component to a thriving career is your network, otherwise known as the relationships you nurture over years. When we get comfortable in a job, we can disappear on our network. Then, when it comes time to either look for a new job or attempt to get unstuck, we must—yet again—start from zero with our people. What could have been ongoing watering and tending to the garden becomes a daunting and draining task. When you continue to make time for your contacts, colleagues and the people you meet doing weird and interesting things, you grow, you gain energy, you cultivate relationships, you help others and most importantly—you feel connected.

Exercise, clean eating and rest are essential for your physical health—just as continued learning and ongoing networking are key for your career health. When you are in the space of momentum, energy and self-awareness that flows from these two things, you can make ongoing subtle shifts in your focus, rather than waking up in a rut one day that will require a monumental shift. Make the time. Choose the things and the people that ignite you so that watering the garden feels nurturing to you, too! And then, reap the rewards of the spring bloom that shows up in the form of community, possibilities and opportunities you never expected to appear.