The Leadership Skill That Separates The Average From The Elite

Early on in my career, I was on a lean digital team where I was hired to lead all functional and marketing efforts for our consumer website. We had momentum and a lot of big ideas aimed at solving our customer’s challenges. Our brand was rising quickly in popularity, so we were driving toward fast changes that made a big impact. The one problem was, we had a weak link. Bob.

Bob was a critical member of our team who had been there since the company was in its early stages and he wasn’t moving with the times. He missed nearly every deadline, didn’t show up for meetings and called in sick multiple times a week. And worse—he was our technology lead, so we were at a loss to make much happen without him.

I felt stuck in my role. I couldn’t make any progress without the technical support of this one person. I, along with others on the team, made the case umpteen times for his removal, but our leader—so strong in so many ways—did not want to take this on.

He hoped Bob would improve.

He assumed at some point Bob would leave on his own.

He asked everyone else on the team to pick up where Bob left off.

In my work coaching and training employees on personal and professional leadership skills, I find many managers and organizations have this same blind spot that my leader did way back when. They leave the poor performer to continue performing poorly and the rest of the team to learn how to live with it.

Often managers leave the employee in place under the guise of being nice, kind or compassionate. As shared by LinkedIn CEO Jeff Weiner in a recent Oprah Super Soul Conversation (that is a must-listen!), the compassionate thing to do is to help that employee move on to a role where he or she would be a better fit. Leaving Bob in a role where he is failing is not good for anyone—especially Bob!

In my experience, it’s this skill—knowing when an employee needs to transition and acting swiftly and generously in making it happen—that separates the good leaders from the great ones. It’s understanding how one person can impact an entire team or organization. When one person is acting out or not meeting expectations, it robs the rest of the team of the clarity and safety that helps them function as a unit. It leaves them in a crisis-mode that minimizes their efforts daily.

There are clearly steps to take prior to making such a transition.

• Providing feedback on how Bob can improve while creating a plan together to help make that happen

• Setting clear expectations again on the breadth of requirements of the role.

• Opening the lines of communication on where Bob’s strengths may match up better to a role within or outside of the organization.

And then, if you have moved through all of the steps to get Bob up to speed and he still can’t do the job he’s being asked to do, it takes both courage and compassion to support Bob in a transition toward something new. As a leader, this is a hard conversation, but if you approach it with your core values in mind, knowing the person you want to be in that moment—though uncomfortable—you will know it is the right thing for all involved.

Learning More By Slowing Down

A handful of times in my life, I walked into a moment when all normalcy, all routine, everything I knew to be true—completely changed in an instant. Time stopped and my entire focus was on the present moment.

After my parents died.

When my babies were born.

When Aunt Marilyn was in rehab after her stroke.

Taking the leap from corporate to start my business.

In these times, other priorities faded into the background and the most important task in front of me was all I could focus on. Moments that would have been easily forgotten at other times of my life—brought me into appreciation of all that I’ve missed when I was swept up by the siren song of routine living.

Making it to school on time or falling asleep at night after my parents’ accident when I was 11.

Wondering if the baby needed to be changed, fed or put down for a nap—and getting the answer right.

Watching a once chatty Aunt Marilyn struggle to form a word as simple as "no."

Signing my first client.

Now, after many years, I find myself in a similar moment in time. It’s not as life changing as loss, or birth, or sickness—and some may laugh (I know who you are) at the very connection—but it brings to mind the same slowing down and refocus I’ve encountered before. We have a new puppy that has brought a combination of love and chaos into my life, and his needs have summoned my presence, forcing me to step off the treadmill and re-evaluate priorities.

I was fearful that bringing this new little guy into our lives would throw my business off course —that I would have no time to do what I need to do. And instead what I found was that what I need to do is changing. The number of hours I spend practicing presence with this animal has helped me more easily shift into that gear with clients, colleagues and in my work overall.

I know my slow speed is temporary. It’s not part of my DNA and I’m self-aware enough to get that. But I’m learning that in my wholesale dropping of projects because "it’s not a good time," I am focusing on the parts of the job I love—with the muscle memory of presence. I am getting more energy from my work and the business continues to thrive while I’m working less. I’ve heard this could happen, but living it first-hand now feels like a gift.

When It's Time To Resign

Whether it’s because I saw the movie 9 to 5 too many times in my youth, because I have a flair for the dramatic or even because of an early hunger for the freedom of entrepreneurship—I was prone to quitting fantasies in my early career. Just like the joys of starting a new relationship in which your partner seems infallible and the possibilities for a life together seem endless, the fresh start of a potential new job was intoxicating to me. A job where all bosses would be inspiring leaders, all colleagues would put out a helping hand to give you a career boost and all projects were apolitical—keeping the end-user in mind. These visions gave me some time to think about what a good resignation looks like and also conjure up your standard burning bridges scenarios. Having taken both approaches—there’s one I would call a "career lengthening" move, while the other simply brings Dolly, Jane and Lily to mind in some of the more cringe-worthy scenes. 

When my clients are preparing for their big resignation moment, a moment that has run through their minds on a loop (often for months), we focus on hitting these points so they can live this experience in a way that feels true to them. 

1. Address emotions ahead of time
Your meeting to announce your resignation with your direct boss is not the moment to begin processing ongoing grievances from your tenure at the company. Work with a friend, partner or professional to acknowledge your feelings of frustration, anger or disappointment so that you can walk into the meeting composed and confident. 

2. Share only what feels comfortable to you
String together a narrative that feels positive and forward thinking so you can walk out the door on a high. Even if there have been tough moments in your role that have pushed you closer to your decision, it’s your choice whether you share them or not. Know that you are not hiding or shrinking if you choose to focus only on what you’re moving toward instead of what you’re leaving behind. You can set a boundary in your choice of narrative and there is always an opportunity to share more at a later date if you so choose. 

3. Keep feedback constructive
If you feel compelled to share feedback on a colleague, manager or trend at the company, take time to craft your talking points so that they are actionable and helpful to moving the culture or productivity of the company in a positive direction. Provide your thoughts through a lens of being in service to the company and the people you care about who are still there. Complaining and dropping problems into the laps of already overworked employees in the name of being right is not helpful to anyone and will not make the impact you hoped to make. If your feedback involves incidents of harassment, review these steps in Lolly Daskal’s piece, 10 Tips For Dealing With Workplace Harassment and ideally consult an attorney prior to giving feedback. 

4. Express gratitude where it feels authentic
Gratitude and appreciation go a long way in keeping career bridges intact. As you think through your narrative, identify clear and authentic ways you can acknowledge the person on the other end—or the company—for the opportunity, for the visibility or for the chance to learn. Whatever it is, it should feel real for both of you. 

5. Be professional about notice and transition
Treat your transition with the respect you showed your role. Give at least two weeks, document your work and processes, meet with colleagues to hand off your work and help hire and/or train your replacement if it fits into your notice window. Do whatever may be meaningful to the people you are leaving behind so that they can feel the care you put into this change. All of that said, if the two week professional standard is all you can do to ensure you have a short break between roles, you can set a boundary there so you have some time to ready yourself for your new opportunity. 

6. Leave the door wide open
I am proud to say that my biggest supporters in my business are former colleagues and direct managers who were on the receiving end of my resignation conversations. If there are people who you are leaving behind with whom you would love to work or collaborate again—by all means—let them know. Connect on LinkedIn, suggest you meet for coffee when you get settled, send them an article here and there to let them know they’re on your mind. Nurture those relationships at a distance, but with the same care and honesty you did when you were on the front lines together, spending more hours side by side than you did with your spouse or closest friends! 

When your narrative is on point and you’re ready for your meeting, practice walking through it with a friend, colleague, coach or therapist. Note areas that may bring up emotion or where you take a detour into negative land. Hone those bits so you feel calm and clear in your delivery. Do something the morning of your meeting that will boost your energy and confidence like—exercising, listening to a power song ("Eye of the Tiger" anyone?) or saying a mantra like, "Onward!" or "Peace out people." or whatever works for you. Know that you’ve made your decision—which was the hard part—and now you get to live out your fantasy that’s been rolling around your mind for months, except this time it’s for real. In front of you stands the fresh start you’ve earned. 

Writing The Good Apology

We all make mistakes. We are imperfect. We are human. For all these reasons, I often work with clients on minimizing their apologizing. We are a culture where (especially as women) we tend to over-apologize. 

I’m sorry I’m not available during the times you are free. 

I’m sorry I didn’t get out of your way fast enough while passing you in the hall. 

I’m sorry I interrupted you when in fact that was the only way I was going to get a word into the discussion. 

In this sea of sorries, each one becomes meaningless. Then, when we make our true mistakes, we are left without words, without trust and without any way to make a difference in even our most important relationships. 

In our work when we make mistakes, one way to repair the relationship is to write an authentic, vulnerable email (not text!) that you then follow up a few days later with a call or in-person conversation. I like using email because it conveys the gravity of what you’re trying to communicate while text is more of a casual medium. It also gives the person on the other end some time to process what you’re saying so they are less reactive in their response. 

Here are a few ways you can make your apology more meaningful in your work or life:

1. Kick your habit of pointless apologies
You’re giving away your power each time you make a pointless apology, so now’s your time to become aware of when you do it and make some changes. You’re also setting up distrust for when you make a heart-felt apology, so stepping into your power to work on this habit will provide you with the foundation and tools when you make the inevitable bigger mistakes. 

2. Don’t make excuses or try to be right
If you use this email as a way to line up your points about why you were justified in acting as you did—you’ve completely missed the point and will dig yourself further into a hole. If you want to repair this trust and this relationship, now is your moment to take 100% responsibility for your actions. By sharing where you are clear you made a mistake and that in the future you’re going to do X, Y and Z differently—you’ve taken the first step toward a possibility of healing rather than continuing to protect yourself. 

3. Be you
Be honest, be vulnerable and write how you normally would write or speak. There’s no need to be formal or robotic because you’re conveying something serious. In fact, quite the opposite. A sprinkling of self-deprecating humor never hurt an apology note, so if that’s your typical approach—go with it. 

4. Be brief
Dissertations in this context will not be read or appreciated. No roman numerals, no footnotes—simple, heart-felt words are your go-to approach here. If your note is running long, save as draft, come back later and edit like it matters…because it does. 

5. Be patient and compassionate about a response
Once you send your note, avoid the temptation to refresh your email every ten seconds. If you notice yourself getting angry or frustrated about a lack of response (after an hour), acknowledge those feelings are more about you than about that person. You’re angry with yourself and that’s OK. You can do better and you will do better, but give the gift of some space while he or she figures out next steps. Feelings take time to resolve and people vary in how quickly they can move toward forgiveness. Your note is not a quick fix. It’s the first step in a longer process of repairing trust. 

6. Follow up with actions in sync with your words
In your note, mention that you will follow up with a call or in-person meeting in a few days and make sure you do just that. The next step toward making things right again is being in integrity—doing what you say you will do. The relationship may take time to heal, but when you’re clear about its importance to you and act accordingly—you’re on the path toward forgiveness. 

Of course honing your apology skills is never license to knowingly disrespect your work or your relationships. If you’re acting in accordance with your values and being the kind of leader you want to be in your life—one would hope this is a skill that would need to rarely be deployed. That said, as with so many of the uncomfortable aspects of living in a world AS imperfect humans WITH imperfect humans—having more tools and a language to help us take responsibility for who we are can move us further down the road towards acceptance.