Writing The Good Apology

We all make mistakes. We are imperfect. We are human. For all these reasons, I often work with clients on minimizing their apologizing. We are a culture where (especially as women) we tend to over-apologize. 

I’m sorry I’m not available during the times you are free. 

I’m sorry I didn’t get out of your way fast enough while passing you in the hall. 

I’m sorry I interrupted you when in fact that was the only way I was going to get a word into the discussion. 

In this sea of sorries, each one becomes meaningless. Then, when we make our true mistakes, we are left without words, without trust and without any way to make a difference in even our most important relationships. 

In our work when we make mistakes, one way to repair the relationship is to write an authentic, vulnerable email (not text!) that you then follow up a few days later with a call or in-person conversation. I like using email because it conveys the gravity of what you’re trying to communicate while text is more of a casual medium. It also gives the person on the other end some time to process what you’re saying so they are less reactive in their response. 

Here are a few ways you can make your apology more meaningful in your work or life:

1. Kick your habit of pointless apologies
You’re giving away your power each time you make a pointless apology, so now’s your time to become aware of when you do it and make some changes. You’re also setting up distrust for when you make a heart-felt apology, so stepping into your power to work on this habit will provide you with the foundation and tools when you make the inevitable bigger mistakes. 

2. Don’t make excuses or try to be right
If you use this email as a way to line up your points about why you were justified in acting as you did—you’ve completely missed the point and will dig yourself further into a hole. If you want to repair this trust and this relationship, now is your moment to take 100% responsibility for your actions. By sharing where you are clear you made a mistake and that in the future you’re going to do X, Y and Z differently—you’ve taken the first step toward a possibility of healing rather than continuing to protect yourself. 

3. Be you
Be honest, be vulnerable and write how you normally would write or speak. There’s no need to be formal or robotic because you’re conveying something serious. In fact, quite the opposite. A sprinkling of self-deprecating humor never hurt an apology note, so if that’s your typical approach—go with it. 

4. Be brief
Dissertations in this context will not be read or appreciated. No roman numerals, no footnotes—simple, heart-felt words are your go-to approach here. If your note is running long, save as draft, come back later and edit like it matters…because it does. 

5. Be patient and compassionate about a response
Once you send your note, avoid the temptation to refresh your email every ten seconds. If you notice yourself getting angry or frustrated about a lack of response (after an hour), acknowledge those feelings are more about you than about that person. You’re angry with yourself and that’s OK. You can do better and you will do better, but give the gift of some space while he or she figures out next steps. Feelings take time to resolve and people vary in how quickly they can move toward forgiveness. Your note is not a quick fix. It’s the first step in a longer process of repairing trust. 

6. Follow up with actions in sync with your words
In your note, mention that you will follow up with a call or in-person meeting in a few days and make sure you do just that. The next step toward making things right again is being in integrity—doing what you say you will do. The relationship may take time to heal, but when you’re clear about its importance to you and act accordingly—you’re on the path toward forgiveness. 

Of course honing your apology skills is never license to knowingly disrespect your work or your relationships. If you’re acting in accordance with your values and being the kind of leader you want to be in your life—one would hope this is a skill that would need to rarely be deployed. That said, as with so many of the uncomfortable aspects of living in a world AS imperfect humans WITH imperfect humans—having more tools and a language to help us take responsibility for who we are can move us further down the road towards acceptance. 
 

Follow Your Energy In Business Planning

This summer has been a wonderful combination of downtime (that I’m now ready to enjoy!), experimenting with new opportunities, getting clear on what’s working and what’s not in my business and re-envisioning my plan for moving forward. I’ve covered my whiteboard in my still teenage bubbly scribble, I’ve reconnected with colleagues and mentors to discuss my progression and I hired my own coach to help me optimize this business that I already love. 

When I sat down to write a future-focused vision for my first coaching session, I was swept up by the opportunity to think about the big picture instead of the tactical moves to getting there. I’ve always been more of a big-picture thinker, but coming out of the corporate hierarchy to run my own business has forced me to get granular and address the small steps to building your own dream. 

A few hours after immersing myself in this exercise, relishing the clarity and ease within the life I put on paper, I realized there are many things I’m currently doing in my life and in my career that are not even mentioned in that document. I thought about a revision, but stopped myself. Do I want to include them? I have the choice. How do I want this to look and how do I want to feel in my life and in my work?

As a next step, I decided to create an energy map of all of the things I am currently doing in the business. I listed out all of my business activities in four categories:

1. Igniting
All of the things I do that light me up. The things that make me bounce out of bed in the morning. The things I can’t wait to tell my daughters about. The moments I feel most alive. 
2. Not Sure
I’ve been experimenting with these things and I enjoy them, but I’m not yet getting power and magic from them (and yes, I am seeking power and magic). I may not be skilled enough in the work yet or I may have some fear around these projects and activities that I haven’t yet addressed. I don’t have enough data to decide to do anything but stay the course with them right now. They’re not a hell yeah, but they’re also not a no. 
3. Curious About
I’m hungry to learn more about these things. I may be far along in my journey with them or I may be just beginning. I don’t yet know how they will evolve into part of my work, but I am committed to staying on the path until I know. 
4. Draining
This is not a judgment on the work, more of a statement that these activities are the wrong fit with my specific set of strengths. I’m not the person to be doing this work and by moving away from it, I’m opening up space for more that’s on my (long!) Igniting list. 

Looking at my list, there was some clear low hanging fruit to address that could help me begin heading down the right path. And while the answer is not as simple as release everything on the draining list, it could be looking into what are my reasons for holding onto things on the draining list? Or where have I done that at other times in my career so I can get to the root of the problem and end a behavior pattern that’s not serving me. One of the most moving parts of this exercise was looking at that igniting list and asking myself, “What if I built my career with only those things?” I’m close enough to it right now that it’s quite easy to imagine, but the vision is peaceful and full and I’m grateful to even see these possibilities for my life. 

3 Things To Think About Before Sending Your Kid To College

Recently, I listened to an interview with Spike Lee where he talked about his childhood and college experience. After discussing his early love of poetry, theater and music, Lee asked his interviewer, Alec Baldwin, "Do you know who are the biggest killers of dreams?" Long pause. "Parents." Ouch—that one hurts! While my kids are a long way from college-age, consider that message officially received. 

I also see many parents encouraging their kids to dive into known, stable careers in order to protect them from struggle and lifelong hardships. It’s clear it comes from a place of love, through a lens of their own challenges making ends meet. By contrast, that was not Spike Lee’s experience. He was supported by his parents with acknowledgement, respect and prompting to go farther in his love of the arts—even when his parents didn’t know if it would offer him stability or a solid foundation for his future. This freedom planted the belief that it was possible to make something of his unique combination of creativity, passion and grit. 

Lee’s powerful advice strikes me as I watch my friends, colleagues and clients send their kids off to college this August. Here are 3 ideas to help you continue on the path of encouragement as you move one foot off the cliff: 

1. Their careers haven’t been invented yet
A former colleague and friend told me her son’s college addressed all of the parents with this statement on day one of parent’s weekend. It both blew me away and was absolutely true for my career. A year out of school, I fell into a new career as a "Web Producer." Being a Psychology major, I had no idea such a thing existed…because it didn’t. At the beginning of that career, I used to talk about my love for inventing my job every day. It was thrilling. If I had known it was impossible to predict the career path I would choose in school, I know for certain I would have been less stressed about choosing that exact right path and perfect major that would set me up for success. Instead, I switched my major five times and drew more from my elective classes (chosen for pure joy) in my career than from any of my multiple majors. 

2. Deeper self knowledge and awareness will give them an edge
In this climate of over-achievement where many kids in schools will get top grades, working hard is of course important, but high marks are not the end all, be all. A student’s ability to experiment and uncover passions and channel a curiosity to figure out what makes him or her different instead of the same will be key to breaking through the pack. By reflecting on values, strengths and passions early and often, students can learn a skill I emphasize in my work with mid-career professionals—authentic self-promotion. They will also have greater clarity in what opportunities to pursue—and even create! 

3. Relationships are paramount
It goes without saying, the knowledge gained on a variety of topics (dare I say, any) is an important component of college. That said—I will go out on a limb here with an opinion that—a focus on learning how to build professional relationships and the network of relationships built in school is as (if not more) important than the curriculum. The more your almost-adults know how to nurture relationships with fellow students, alumnae, professors, Career Center faculty—the more ideas he or she will be exposed to about possible career options and the wider the networking community to call on when he or she is ready to get out there. As someone with zero family career connections or capital, I learned early that to jumpstart my career, I needed to build relationships myself—and that practice helped me get up and running with a wide network that is still an area of my career bringing me the most support and pride. 

As a coach, I have the benefit of seeing the aggregate experiences of my clients’ college and career paths. I see clients thriving who went to city and state schools and schools with little to no name recognition. I see those who went to ivies and are struggling to get their careers off the ground (until we get them digging deep!). And then there are those whose college failures bare no resemblance to their professional success (so don’t worry there’s still hope if your student is not yet where you thought he/she would be). When you send them off to do their best, to learn about the world and themselves, remember that often it’s the life skills, the practice of being an independent, empathetic, resilient, flawed human that will prepare them the most for the paths that are theirs to create. 

When Your Kids See You Being Human

Last month I had a career highlight moment when I trained new candidates (mostly women!) running for public office on executive presence and personal leadership at an event in Pennsylvania. My husband and I decided to make a Philly family weekend out of it. While I worried how the unpredictability of 7 and 10 year olds would throw me off my game, my gut told me it was the right thing to do. 

So, after a fun Saturday at the Franklin Institute, as well as exploring some of Philly’s cute neighborhoods and kid-friendly eats, we set off to the Sunday event where I would be one of several speakers. During the car ride that morning, the kids were belting out Hamilton lyrics as they often do on longer rides and I could feel my heart pound double time as it does before I take the stage. I went quiet—and because I’m the mom who usually sings along (or stumbles along if we’re referring to Hamilton), my silence did not go unnoticed. The girls began firing questions at me and poking and prodding—anything to figure out where I was at that moment. 

I felt my resistance assume fighting stance.

My urge to hide my imperfection, my vulnerability and my fear was palpable. 

I wanted to be their cool, unshakeable, runs her own business, changing the world mom. Instead, I was afraid to stand in someone’s living room to share material I live and breathe every day with total strangers. 

"I’m ner-cited." I said quoting Jane, my ten-year old’s sentiments before her 4th grade chorus recital earlier this year. At the time I was blown away that at 10, she already knew nervous and excited feel exactly the same. It took me 40+ years to get there and I’m still reminding myself daily. With my admission came instant relief—for all of us. "Oh, ok Mom." Then without missing a beat, "I am not throwing away my shot!" 

In order to be their runs her own business, making the world a better place for them mom—I must show them that I’m often afraid to be that person—but I do it anyway. I go out there and I do it imperfectly because I’m a flawed human. Watching my humanity gives them the opportunity to be vulnerable and imperfect as they do the things in life that they simultaneously crave and fear. Though my aspiration is often to show them that model of perfection so they’re proud of me and our family—I know when I go beyond my ego and I let them catch me being who I truly am, I’m showing them it’s possible to be all of who they are. 

Later in that inspiring day, I stood in front of the room to connect with and support my audience. My 7-year-old, Roxanne, sat on a bar stool, legs dangling, quietly staring at me command a room of rapt learners. And Jane ran across the "stage" a couple of times mid-talk in only a bathing suit to grab sunscreen from her dad. Not ideal—but I worked it into a laugh or two. It was real. For the candidates, I was the coach who is also a mom that wanted her daughters to see what it looks like when women run for office. For my daughters, it was a peak into what mommy does all day and what’s possible when you’re doing something you love. And for me, the opportunity to feel the full support of the people I love while being a part of something core to my mission—even in those messy moments, especially in those messy moments—was true freedom.