Seasons Of Grief

Spring was busy. There were new career opportunities like doubling down on corporate workshops, exciting partnerships, and coaching to support causes that are important to me. Then there was a babysitter turnover that forced us to bring on our organizational A games. When your kid asks, "Who’s picking us up from school today?" and your response is to check the whiteboard, you know you’re in one day at a time working parent mode, using it as an opportunity to foster your child’s independence. Or when you’re standing in the park at your 7-year-olds birthday party holding a goodie bag for one of her close friends and you realize this kid never received an invite, you know you’re nailing this "ditch perfectionism" approach you talk about with your clients. 

In the busyness and the excitement and revolving door of babysitters, I let a few important days roll right by without much acknowledgement. The one-year mark of the passing of my Aunt Marilyn who raised me, the 32nd anniversary of my parents’ accident, and two days later, the two-year anniversary of my friend Dave’s passing from ALS. It’s become a three-week container that is either the emotional perfect storm or not. I never know which it’s going to be. And I do my best not to judge myself for either outcome. 

As things were beginning to slow down at the end of June, I found myself with a rare child-free Saturday (made possible by the most engaged and adoring grandparents my kids—and I—could ask for!). I did not work, clean, or organize the house, which were all things I could have done. I knew I needed time for me. Time to slow down. Time to connect with some of the losses I barely tended to in the past months. Time to address some of the thoughts and feelings that were bumping up against the walls of busyness I was putting up out of what seemed like necessity at the time. 

I exercised, had lunch with a close friend, and met up with a group of working moms who’ve also lost their mothers. They’ve been on my radar for a while, but I was always—you guessed it—too busy to connect with them. But on that day, wow, I found my people. To be able to talk about loss and grief as freely as you would about the kind of cereal your kid eats without having to worry if you’re freaking the fuck out of the person on the other end of the conversation was true freedom. It felt like I was finally able to speak my mother tongue after years of unsuccessful attempts. 

While I’m not in a crisis in dealing with all of my losses, it was critical to remind myself that tending to this part of me—my past and how it will impact my future is part of my self-care—as much or more than exercise, clean eating, or getting enough sleep. I must talk about this and hear others’ stories to connect on this deep hurt that for years made me feel like the weird one. Now as we say in my house, I know I’m "weird in a good way" and that I don’t need to go there with everyone. But when I can flow between healing and revealing my deepest broken-ness, laughing and crying with total strangers—shining optimism and still dropping my dark humor bombs that could only have been born of loss—I feel the most me.

What Are The Rules That Drive You?

The other night my neighbor’s kids, ages 7 and 10—the same age as mine—were over our place. The four kids decided to play RummiKub, which I recently purchased thinking it would be a great game to play during our summer vacation (and yes, I’m counting down the days). While I didn’t grow up in a Scrabble-loving family like many of my peers (and I have the abysmal Scrabble skills to prove it), RummiKub was a family past-time of ours when our bellies were full after huge Sunday bagel brunches. And the stories of my dad rearranging the entire board, only to be left with one red 8 that we needed to put it all back together for—were legendary in our home. 

So, when the kids began to play their game for the first time together, I put my arm on my husband’s shoulder, took in the idyllic scene and said, "This warms my heart." 

But within five minutes, voices got loud and angry. There was interrupting and eye rolling, and I jumped in to see what could have brought all of this on so quickly. 

As it turns out, there were two sets of rules under hot debate. When my kids put down a joker with two other 10’s, they were naming the color that joker was supposed to be, so that when there was a 10 of that color in hand, the joker could be used. My neighbors put down a joker with two 10’s, and in order to use that joker, both of the remaining 10’s needed to be in hand in order to make the swap. 

One of my daughters yelled, "Well, I’m not playing that way because it’s JUST NOT FUN!" 

And my other one suggested, "They’re our guests so maybe we should play their way this time." 

There was much reciting of the written instructions, which made no mention of this distinction. And Alexa proved useless this time around. 

They stood at an impasse for awhile, until they decided to just make another move and not address jokers in their close to bedtime, grumpy states. 

In the grand scheme of things, this tiny and insignificant rule in a game seems like it has no bearing on our lives. Yet for me, it shined a light on how many of these small, unsubstantiated rules we let govern our worlds, and how our reaction to the rules of others impacts our abilities to be in relationships with them. 

When everyone’s had a good night’s sleep and some space, we’ll inspire our kids to work out an agreement about how they can move forward playing a fun game they all love when they are working off a different set of rules—instead of deciding to never play that game again because their different set of rules makes them too different to find a solution. In this context, the latter approach may sound crazy, but I assure you 1) that’s often our gut instinct and 2) you can think of a moment in your career or your life where you chose to avoid the situation because of a small rule on which you couldn’t agree. 

Now more than ever, we are sorted in our own factions because of a multitude of rules we hold to be true that ladder up to identities. When I coach or train leaders, I work with them to question their assumptions and what they believe to be "rules" all day long. In order to live in a world where people hold different beliefs, we must learn to value those differences, seeing them as opportunities to learn more about humanity. Once we do, we can step out of judgment on the origin of those rules and into curiosity about how we work within a context of common ground that is enhanced by differences, not divided. 

When Community Is The Career Boost You Need

The first half of last week, I fed my introverted side (which is a full 50% of me) with writing, new product development, and phone sessions. Translation: I barely left my house for three days. While I got a lot done, I felt hungry for some connection with other humans. When my kids came home, I found myself telling them about my day the way I would talk to a friend. While it’s always fun to share my work with my girls, defining dozens of words wasn’t exactly the kind of conversation I was going for in that moment. 

And then Thursday hit—the first of two days I was participating in an HR conference on behalf of Sayge, one of the coaching companies I work with. Built into day one was lunch, and a gathering for all Sayge coaches—twelve of us total—plus the founders. Beyond the delicious (and gluten-free!) lunch, I was well fed with all I needed. Collaboration. Curiosity. Inspiration from others doing it their own way, as well as acknowledgement of my hard work from a group of people I admire and respect. We all brought our own strengths and uniqueness to the fold, making the work much more vibrant, and the belly laughs that much harder to breathe through. 

At the end of day two, not only did we play a critical role in the conference—facilitating workshops that inspired new solutions to common HR problems—but we also walked away reminded that we have a posse of people who believe in us on this exciting and intense journey that is business ownership. That we have a community to hold us up and to make us better. By coming together and each bringing 100% collectively, we grew exponentially. 

Here are five ways I work with clients to cultivate community to boost their careers:

1. Join a mastermind group
For those of you unfamiliar with a mastermind group, it is a peer-to-peer mentoring group used to help members solve their problems with input and advice from the other group members. The concept was developed in 1925 by author Napoleon Hill in his book The Law of Success, and described in more detail in his 1937 book, Think and Grow Rich. I’ve been a part of one since September and it has pushed me and my business in ways I didn’t expect. Not only do I run some of my new product ideas and pricing by the group, but I also share wins and fears in an ongoing group text we call, “Mastermind Brilliance.” The accountability and support are unmatched. Thanks, MB team! You can start your own group for free or you can find someone in your field who may be running a robust group for a fee. 

2. Become a member of an association or industry networking group
For those of you in corporate or non-profit jobs, one way to find community out of your company is by joining an industry group that will offer networking and professional development, in addition to community. There are many groups, meetups, and industry associations out there, so what I would recommend is that you shop around to see the vibe that works for you and then go deep and commit to one group. Don’t overwhelm yourself with community—that goes against your very reasons for seeking it out in the first place! 

3. Pick up a part-time role with a larger organization
Just as I’m a part of Sayge as a part-time opportunity, if you’re currently a solo practitioner, consultant or have a flexible full-time role, and you have the bandwidth to add on another part-time role that has community baked into it—that could be a great way to go. With this approach, my clients often find the community and professional development parts of the role are even more valuable than the hourly rate. 

4. Volunteer for a cause about which you’re passionate
With this one, you can do double-duty. Oh, how I love efficiency. You know that cause you’ve been meaning to donate money to, but felt like you didn’t have the extra to spare? Donate time and get to know the employees and other volunteers. Build your community around the people who care as deeply as you do for the causes that are close to your heart. There’s nothing that connects people more than stepping outside of their own lives and giving together. 

5. Find a fitness group
Get your workout in AND find your people. Again, efficiency, I love it so. When I trained for the NYC Marathon with Team In Training, I met some of the best people Brooklyn had to offer as I learned how to push my body in ways I didn’t think possible. The wonderful part about finding your people around fitness is that they also know that while fitness is physical—it’s a mind game. They can hold you accountable to goals to push yourself beyond what you can do for your body. And then there’s the simple energy math. Regular exercise in your happy place with your buddies means more energy, ideas, and flow in your work. 

When we’re in our routines and on our own paths in isolation, that’s when we can get stuck. We are wired for connection—some of us more than others—so it’s important to experiment with the right balance for you. There’s no need to jump in head first and over commit to a community right away. You will grow to resent it. Dip in a toe, see how the water feels, and feel free to stay in the shallow end for awhile if that’s all you can add into your life right now. Notice how your community is impacting your results in your career and in your life—and if you’re anything like me, you’ll walk away from two energizing days with your peeps wearing a perma-grin and feeling gratitude with a capital g. 

Reclaim Your Career Power With Consulting

My first experience consulting in my career was back in 2005 during what I've affectionately named, “The Summer of Rachel.” I was part of a large downsizing at my company, so I was about to enjoy three months of severance that fell squarely in the summer months before my September wedding (I know—this was quite a coup). At the same time, the new leadership at the company that laid me off needed my expertise to pull off a website refresh. They hired me back as a consultant to lead the project, and I negotiated a schedule that was in synch with wedding planning, interviewing for a new role, and enjoying everything The Summer of Rachel had to offer (which was mostly tooling around my neighborhood in pink pumas and sundresses). 

As someone who put in significant hours throughout my career to that point (most of them on-site), it was quite a moment to learn I could work in the office 3 days a week, name a competitive hourly rate, and continue to make a significant impact on the business—delivering quality work. I breathed in freedom, control, and gratitude for an in-demand expertise I cultivated over years of hard work. Throughout that summer, I felt truly alive in my career. While severance plus consulting rate had something to do with that—it wasn’t everything. I LOVED having agency over my choices, my schedule, and my priorities. That feeling prompted me to work even harder and more efficiently during my work hours AND get more done in my personal life. There were no idle hours for the sake of face time and that helped me realize my personal style of integrating life and work for maximum efficiency. 

While I did move on to another full-time role after that summer, I was certain I would be back to consulting life again in my career when the time was right. This experiment was proof that it was a possibility for me, giving me the flexibility and control needed if priorities shifted yet again. And that is just how it happened. When my older daughter was 6 months old, I left my full-time role and consulted for the next 8 years. I flexed between three and four days a week for the duration of those years, led a department, built a social media presence and several premium digital experiences, and most importantly, developed relationships that make me beyond proud of what I accomplished. 

There were times in the first few years I felt I put my career on hold or I was envious of friends who had what I often called, “The Big Job.” But somehow I knew, this was the right thing for me at the time. I felt like I could succeed in both work and family—and make a good living in less time. 

I see a growing number of women in my coaching practice who are on the consulting path as a way to stand by their career non-negotiables which are often things like freedom, control, flexibility, autonomy, creativity, or authenticity. And the trend with my clients matches up with what’s happening across the country. According to projections in the Freelancing in America Survey, released by the Freelancers Union and the freelance platform Upwork, “50.9% of the U.S. population will be freelancing by 2027 if a current uptick in freelancing continues at its current pace.”

For those who are considering consulting as a possible path, I work with them to think through the following:

1. What’s your vision for how you want your career to look? What are your non-negotiables for your next chapter? More on this in my post, The Career Contract You Make With Yourself.

2. What services could you offer that exist within the intersection of your passions and strengths?

3. What’s your financial picture? What do you need to bring in from your consultancy to contribute to your bottom line? Bring your accountant into this conversation for guidance!

4. Who in your network might be interested in these services? Make a LONG list of people to get you started.

5. How do you feel about hustling and selling your services? Consulting takes a resilience and relative comfort with rejection. If selling is already a strength or it’s something you’re committed to learning—this could be an option for you.

6. Where will you source your healthcare?

7. How can you experiment with taking on consulting projects while you’re still at a 9-5? This can sound daunting, but a time of experimentation with this new kind of life could be the very thing you need to figure out if it’s for you.

After doing your due diligence to figure out if this is a viable option for you, you may decide you can get your non-negotiables from a full-time gig. If so, I encourage you to have compassion for yourself. Be grateful that you’ve figured out what you truly want and be open to the package in which it shows up. 

For those of you who decided to consult at one point, thought it would be temporary, and 5 or 10 years later realized this isn’t a passing interest or need, this is THE thing you want to do, there’s always time to make your consultancy more of a thing or a business. I know this, because I’ve helped many of you do just that! You can polish up your website, have an elevator pitch ready to go, hone in on your “Why” for doing what you do, turn up the volume on your marketing—and go do the work you want to do, on your own terms.