In Search Of A Space To Be Imperfect

By sheer coincidence or not, my oldest daughter took her statewide English Language Arts test the same week I was preparing for my first leadership workshop with a new coaching group that I am thrilled to be joining forces with. Tensions were high in my neighborhood, where over 50% of students opted out of the controversial state testing this year. 

Walking my daughter through our reasoning behind the test being a non-negotiable in our household, while simultaneously navigating my own fears and creeping doubts about stepping into this new space of training women how to be leaders—work that is directly connected to my WHY—was nothing short of surreal. "Of course we want you to do your best, which we know you will do, but we also want you to practice taking a test. To know that this may be hard AND you can do hard things in life. We want you to know that we love you and you’re going to be OK, no matter how you do. We’ll work with you to help you learn from your experience of taking this test. This is all a chance to learn something new in your life."

As the words left my mouth, I knew they were also meant for me. That may or may not be why I had tears in my eyes as I spoke. Meanwhile she turned to me and said, "It’s OK, Mom. I know. I’m actually excited for the test!" So, perhaps the pep talk was a bit more for me than for my march to the beat of her own drum kind of girl. 

I sent my mentor off to fourth grade and decided to create some space for myself to practice, to move through the fear, and to be imperfect. 

I danced it out to my favorite power song, Sara Bareilles’ Brave. Then, I wrote the word, "COURAGE" in all caps across the white board hanging above my desk. 

I told myself, "My first time walking through this is going to be truly rough. Right now, I’m simply learning the content. It doesn’t need to sound good yet." Imperfection in progress. I’ve learned this lesson with my writing over time and I’m completely on board with writing a "shitty first draft." (Thanks, Anne Lamott!) Somehow, a shitty first pass coming through my voice has always been tougher to bear! No better time to learn. "I’m excited about the test!" Oh yes, what an exciting chance to practice. And I’m not just practicing, I’m expanding.

Every time I tripped up my words and became frustrated, I thought about my WHY. 

Get more women into positions of power.

And I redoubled my energy and my efforts. I thought of the rapt faces of my imminent audiences. I visualized telling a room full of 30 women to stop apologizing and imagined the impact that very statement could have had on my early career. 

In day two of my preparation, my daughter was home sick and begged to watch me practice part of the workshop. My immediate response was nothing short of sheer terror, but then I thought—if I can teach her these skills at age 10—imagine how badass she’s going to be? I walked through a couple of my slides and she was FULLY engaged. "What are filler words? What do you mean by up-speak? Oh yeah, why do people talk that way?" Smiling from ear to ear, she interrupted me to say, "Mom! You are such a good coach. I could listen to this stuff all day." 

In that moment, I’d already won. She saw my fear, my hard work and the space I created for imperfection—and it was worth it for me, because getting to my goal as exactly who I am was more powerful than my fear. I’m proud to learn that lesson at my age and if you can learn it at 10, imagine what else you can do.
 

Choosing Peace Instead Of Busy

One of my closest friends often teases me when it comes to making plans, "You say no a lot." I simply smile and agree whole-heartedly. Yes! Yes, I do say no. I do the mental math to avoid overbooking. On the weekend, if I’m struggling to make something fit in, I assume it won’t. If it feels like something I "should" do instead of something that I want to do, I politely decline. 

I wasn’t always this way. I was as crazed and addicted to busyness as most people I know. But all of sudden, I was having thoughts that I wanted to leave our beloved urban Brooklyn neighborhood for the suburbs. I wanted to take a summer off and spend time upstate. Those changes felt simultaneously overwhelming and necessary. At the time I was also making the switch from my corporate job to building my own business and as part of my transition, I revisited my values and the life I wanted to create for myself. And there it was. Peace had snuck in under the radar as one of my core values. 

It felt like too many changes at one time to leave my corporate job AND our neighborhood and family support, so I said to myself, "If peace and calm is so important to me, how do I bring it into the life I’m currently living? How can I add peace without making dramatic changes?" As it turns out, this was quite a fun exercise! 

I made a list of peace possibilities:

1. Add non-negotiable writing time into my week.

2. Decrease subway time.

3. Plan a vacation in February, the shortest but feels like the longest month.

4. Go to fewer crowded school events with a gazillion screaming kids—especially when my kids are not asking to go!

5. Take walks in the middle of the day.

6. Add buffer time into my schedule—as in not scheduling my day with back-to-back appointments.

7. Add more unstructured time into my life and less weekend overscheduling.

8. Set clear boundaries about when I can see people and when I can’t. Don’t say, "We should get together." if I don’t mean it.

9. Don’t apologize when I can’t see people. I’m either available or I’m not. No need to apologize.

10. Implementing my new possibilities was as liberating as making the list. When I would get an email from a fellow parent saying, "Will we see you at the Pajama and Pizza Party at the preschool?" I would simply say, "I’ve stopped going to those things." Instead I’d take a walk with the kids or take them to the park. Ah, peace—why have I not chosen you before?

Even beyond the overt ways I’ve diminished noise in my life with less commuting and crowded school events, the addition of clearer boundaries with plans and relationships has helped me to wipe out the mental noise that kept me from the peace I was desiring. I know I’m clear on my commitments and I don’t have a lot of maybes taking up valuable space in my head. In looking at this list now, I can say that of all the changes I’ve made in my life in the past 4 years, these were among the easiest to stick with and have made a tremendous impact on my happiness and wellbeing. Some people thrive in scheduled, busy lives. I’ve learned I’m not one of them—and I’m OK with that. It may mean that things move more slowly than I would have expected, or maybe it doesn’t. Either way, I’ll find out—and with my peace list in play, I’ll be much more fun to be around in the process.
 

When Leaving The Job Is The Best Option

I’m not the coach who will advise you to quit your day job to find your dream job. In fact, as a coach, I help you find your answers instead of advising anything based on my own experiences. I also help you mine the data of your life to discover options you didn’t know were possible. 

That said, there are many clients who come to me in a dark place. They’re in toxic work environments. They’re hunched, curled up in stress and panic-stricken—cortisol racing through their veins. If I owned a compassion blanket, I would swaddle them in it. Instead, I create a space where they can loosen the release valve, fall apart and reassemble themselves in a world where things are going to be OK. 

Because things are going to be OK. 

It may feel like this shit storm of a job and a life is your only choice. It’s not. You have options. 

With some clients, when they know they need to leave—they create an interim plan to help them get there. They set new boundaries in their role to create time and space to reflect on what they want. They network, they hone their stories and they make their search a priority WHILE they’re at their jobs. They may not be knocking it out of the park at work, but they’re doing well and what they need to do to get the job done. For some, this is possible and it’s a busy, but exciting path forward. 

For others, their paralysis takes up so much mental space and energy, even the smallest baby step feels like an exhausting marathon. The idea of looking for a job while they have a job sounds practical, but completely impossible. In the midst of a crisis of self-esteem and confidence, the exercise of listing strengths and passions feels more like a creative writing assignment than self-reflection. 

When I sit across from someone tangled in knots like this, we open an investigation. 

What would a reboot look like? Is a short break—or better yet, a sabbatical—to figure it all out possible? We brainstorm all the data points that need collecting so an informed decision can be made. 

Here are some of the questions we ask to go beyond the fear and emotion and get grounded in the facts. 

1. What are your monthly expenses?

2. Can you decrease your expenses for a period of time?

3. Do you have enough savings to take a short break? And if so, how long would it be?

4. If you don’t have the savings, is there a more temporary, flexible job you can take on for a period of time to create more space for you?

5. Given that we are in a time of streamlining organizations, is there a way to raise your hand for severance or a package at your company?

6. Do you have a temporary way to cover health insurance?

7. If you have a partner, are you and your partner on the same page about your break?

8. Do you have the emotional support of your family and friends?

9. What are your goals for your sabbatical?

10. What action will you take during your break to refuel and rebuild?

11. What do you want to learn on your break?

Then, they crunch the numbers. They map out the scenarios. They review their choices that are based in data and reality and not in fear. For some, that exercise may be enough to remove the anvil from their backs. Simply knowing there’s a way out if they need it, is a way to help them begin to move forward with their search while still in their jobs. And for those who decide to take the sabbatical, they show up in my office with wide smiles that glimmer—one part pride, one part disbelief and the rest knowing an entire world is theirs for the taking. 
 

4 Things I Teach My Daughters About Creating A Successful Career

Last weekend, my 10-year-old daughter and I snuggled on the couch and watched Hidden Figures. If you’re the one person left in the country who hasn’t seen it, the movie, based on the book by Margot Lee Shetterly, tells the story of the critical role female African American mathematicians played in the nation’s space program in the early 1960’s. In segregated Virginia, these women faced overwhelming discrimination—and yet they overcame relentless obstacles to advocate for themselves and their work. They took risks to make their voices heard. They had the foresight to think ten steps ahead of the white men in charge. And they had the loyalty to bring their colleagues and friends along in their journey. 

My eyes welled up as the opening credits rolled (at which point my daughter grabbed my hand) and I’ve been wearing my emotions outside of my skin ever since. The beautiful storytelling struck me at my core and reminded me—I’m exactly where I need to be in my career—supporting women to find their voices and their confidence, to become the leaders they want to be. And as the mother of two daughters, I’m driven to figure out a way to spark this confidence, determination and leadership in my girls early and often. 

As with any parent, I don’t always get it right, but here’s where I focus my energy when I feel like I’m killing it as Mom and Chief. 

1. Understand your past
I wouldn’t be where I am now, a business owner, a woman with a voice and the belief that gender equality will be a reality in my lifetime—without the millions of women who fought to get here. From the Suffragettes, to Coretta Scott King, to Gloria Steinem, to Margaret Sanger to Bell Hooks to Malala Yousafzai to countless others. We are standing on the shoulders of these powerful women and must deeply understand what they fought against and the successful tactics they used because these fights are not over. While we have made tremendous progress, these battles are in front of us yet again. For my daughters, that means I must provide their feminist education with inspiring and exciting books about our foremothers. It means, that both my husband and I plant seeds in conversations about how far we’ve come and the pride we have in that journey. 

2. Dream big
I’m grateful to have had parents and an extended family that told me I could be whatever I wanted to be. As a child of the 70’s, I danced around my room to Marlo Thomas’, "Free To Be You and Me" and man, did I take it seriously! And while I was unsuccessful in getting my girls interested in the classic album (sigh), they’ve internalized Marlo’s message because it’s in my DNA and in my every move in creating a business and forging my own path. We take our dreaming to the next level by visualizing what it looks like to actually achieve those goals, breaking them down into small steps. "Ok, you want to be a singer. Let’s sign you up for singing lessons or a chorus so you can see if it’s something you enjoy doing. People who become singers do both of these things." Even if my daughter doesn’t become a singer, she’s learning at 10-years old that you can break your big dreams into small steps and in taking those small steps, you can learn if this goal is the right one for you. 

3. Challenge the status quo
Our girls who are following all the rules and achieving high honors in school aren’t succeeding at the same rate in their professional lives. In her Huffington Post piece, "The Dark Side of Girls Success In School", Tara Mohr suggests that our "good girl", rule-following approach to girls’ school achievement is not the necessary skillset needed for career success. Mohr writes, "To blaze a trail, women and men need to know how to experiment with their ideas when they are messy and imperfect. They need an ability to take considered risks, challenge authority and respond to criticism with a thick skin." In parenting practice, you can imagine this approach can create quite a conundrum! If we teach our kids to challenge the rules, will they ever do what we ask them to do? And the answer is, maybe. You can begin to spark this conversation around hot parenting topics like bullying, peer pressure, honesty and doing what you believe is right even when people in authority are not. Yes, this may come back to you when you’re laying down the law—but parenting need not be a democracy. When homework needs to be finished and school must be attended to on time, opinions can be voiced and validated, but the parenting loophole of, "this must be done" can supersede all else. The trick is to provide your kids with the flexibility to practice taking risks in an environment where you can support them in the face of fears that arise. 

4. Be you and only you
Your daughter has a unique perspective and filter through which she sees the world. By helping her tap into her intuition, find her authentic voice and create ways to express it often even in the face of fears—she will continue to develop the type of confidence she needs to excel in her career. I began to understand this only about six years ago. After one of the larger presentations I gave to senior leaders as a digital marketer, I received the following feedback from my supervisor, "Your unscripted moments were far better than your scripted moments." In other words, when I was myself, trusting in what I knew—I was stronger and more confident in my work. While I often wish I’d learned this lesson earlier (which is why I incorporate it into my parenting), I’m glad I know it now and can bring that nugget into my preparation for any coaching session, workshop, keynote speech and relationship. 

While I have the same challenges of other working parents--getting the kids out the door in the morning for school, teaching my girls to choose kindness with each other instead of deploying an elbow—the moments when I see my 7-year-old use her brilliant comic timing to put a smile on our faces after a tough day or when my fourth grader turned business coach tells me not to offer my services for free—no matter what—I know something’s working.