I Dropkicked My Inner Critic And You Can Too

This past fall, a coaching group that I belong to asked me to create a two-minute video where the assignment was to introduce myself and then provide insight on a topic with tools and a strong point of view. My topic was perfectionism. Cue the foreshadowing. 

I’m quite comfortable writing a provocative and vulnerable blog post, then promptly sending it out to thousands of strangers.

I’m also at home speaking my truth in front of audiences of varying sizes. In fact, I’ve learned that it gives me an unparalleled adrenaline rush. 

And then there’s video. As a former digital marketing professional, I’m well aware that this is a critical channel for me to master to make a broader impact. My logical side also creates a beautiful equation that should be the fuel propelling me over my resistance. Video = written content + invisible audience. There, that explains it. Now, go! 

Cut to three hours later, and I’d written scripts that were taped to the wall above my computer. My eyes were darting about trying not to look like I was reading a script. I tossed my script—stopped and started a thousand times, then finally banged my head against the desk in despair. My entire body was rejecting this assignment. But why? 

During my 20th procrastination trip to the bathroom, I decided to take a long look at myself in the mirror. I wanted to scream, but instead I addressed my Inner Critic eye to eye. “Miller The Killer!” She’s so suitably named after my 3rd grade teacher, Ms. Miller, who seemed to thrive on my frequent tears. “Why are you holding me hostage today? Why don’t you think I can do this?” 

She was thorough. 

“Your voice sounds nasal.” 

“You don’t have anything new to say.” 

“They won’t like you.” 

“If you don’t speak perfectly, they’ll think you’re inarticulate.” 

“Just sit in your yoga pants and write your blog posts. With those you can edit and edit and edit…”

It went on and on until I landed my best mental DROPKICK. She was on the ground which gave me time enough to throw some choice words at her and then keep her down with my conviction. “You’re going through something. I get it. You don’t like this and you’re new to it so you’re not great at it yet. And that’s exactly the courageous place you’re going to start. It will NOT be perfect. It may not even be good, but it will be done, and you will have moved through this shit-storm of self-hate. Now show yourself some fucking compassion and let’s do this thing.” 

After my ceremonial ripping of the script, I wrote the word “compassion” on an index card and taped it above my laptop. I made sure Miller the Killer (MtK) was still limping in the corner and I gave her a look that kept her frozen in place. 

I pressed record. I thought about having fun, helping my favorite clients and how relatable imperfection can be. I stumbled a bit, but kept going. After one take, I decided I was done with this activity for the day. It was as good as it was going to get this time around and it was actually pretty good. MtK even gave me a silent nod. Until next time! 

Our inner critic—that voice in our head that tells us in the harshest of terms how inadequate we are—provides only one opinion. And that opinion is the one that channels our deepest fears, protecting us from anything we perceive to be dangerous—even digital video. As with everything else in our lives, it’s our choice whether or not we believe that voice. 

When you feel that paralyzing resistance before trying something you know you must do, try my dropkick approach:

1. Acknowledge the presence of your inner critic.

2. Give him or her a name that gives you a visual of who he/she is to you.

3. Give your inner critic a chance to voice the fears that he/she is feeling.

4. Now, do your best mental dropkick!

5. Choose a new way to look at your task at hand.

6. Stare your inner critic down once more right before moving forward.

7. Go for it!

8. Note how different it felt this time around.

It would be quite the trick to learn how to make your inner critic disappear for good. When you learn that one, please share! The good news is that when you become more aware of her, she begins to take long vacations. That said, she often decides to helicopter in at the precise moment you’re inches away from your goal. And if she does, don’t fret. You’ll be prepared to break out that well-practiced dropkick. Hi-yah!

Build Your Castle

Written by Guest Blogger, Ashley Rigby

One evening, shortly after finishing dinner, while sitting at the kitchen counter with my two young kids, my husband was doing the dishes across from us. 

"Ugh, I need a back massage", I whined.

To which my husband replied, "I’ll give you one later".

"What?!", blurted my 6-year-old daughter,

She continued, "Dad makes us dinner, cleans up after us, and next he’s going to give you a back massage?!"

I looked her straight in the face and simply said, "girl, build the castle in which you want to live". She didn’t say another word. 

I repeated the story to my Mother. She loved it, and shortly thereafter had a bracelet made for my 35th birthday with the inscription, "Build Your Castle". I’ve worn that bracelet every day since, and have had that mindset, all my life. With lots of support and help from others, I’ve built a successful career, friendships and family...wonderful, challenging and fulfilling works in progress. 

However, this past October, I found myself struggling. My "works" weren’t crumbling, but I wasn’t sure what I was building professionally. Why am I working this hard? Is this really what I should be doing for the rest of my life? Do I even like what I’m doing? I was lost. I was depressed. While on a business trip for professional development course required by my fabulous employer, I had mental meltdown. I knew I needed help. 

Rachel and I first met several years ago, while members of a local running club, just as she about to leave corporate America and launch her coaching business. I thought she was pretty amazing then, just as much as I do now. Although we only stayed in touch through social media, and hadn’t seen one another in years, I knew she would be a perfect starting place. 

We spoke over the phone at the airport, while en route home from the training and met in person shortly thereafter for coaching sessions. We talked it through. And I wrote about it. She questioned me and my thinking. Then, I hashed out. Over days. Over weeks. We made some connections. And dug a little deeper. Payed attention a little more. Our coaching sessions didn’t conclude with a concrete answer, but the overall understanding and belief that I need to spend more time doing what I love. 

My "aha" moment was when she reminded me that "it’s all in me". 

I am a connector. A networker. A hostess. A good friend and entertainer. I am a community builder. I wasn’t sure what that meant for my current or future career; all I knew is that needed to spend more time doing it. I was inspired. I was motivated. 
With that motivation, I registered my Sister and I for the NYC Girlboss Rally. We brainstormed ideas, hustles, blogs, businesses over lunch and hours-long professional headshot lines. We have five kids under the age of seven between the two of us, and could have stayed in that line for days without complaint, ‘cause we were lovin’ on our brains, our badassery and the fact that our kids were with our husbands for 12 uninterrupted hours (AMAZING!). 

I will remember that day forever. It was there, that Jam Program was born. Jam Program is a passion project, a side-hustle and a creative outlet for my Mom, my Sister and I. Our daughters are joining us for the ride, too. We left the rally with name ideas (luckily, my sister’s secret talent is naming things….kids, pets, parties, blogs, companies, etc.) and a loose understanding of the product, experience, service it would provide. 

We knew…
The focus would be multi-generational
The focus would be on girls and women
The focus would be on story-telling and sharing
The focus would be on connecting
The focus would be on supporting
The focus would be on doing
The experience would be unique 

Since December, we have hosted monthly networking Jamborees (in the homes of "Jamborettes") with over 100 participants dispersed between NYC and Connecticut. Our aim is to build multi-generational networks and communities in attempt to create a "modern village"; a place where we help one another, support one another, give, take, and swap skills, stories, struggles and hustles. 

Jam Program is only several months old but we’ve been having fun and working hard to build something deeply meaningful to us and hopefully, our communities. 

Ashley Rigby is Sales Manager for Herman Miller, Inc. a research-based, furniture manufacturer and has been a contributor to the architecture and design community for over 14 years. She is considered a subject-matter expert on learning space design and designing for the growth-mindset, sharing her research and thoughts on the topic at The New School, Fashion Institute of Technology, Cornell University, University of Michigan, University of Connecticut in addition to over 50 architecture and design firms. When she's not in the classroom for work, her kids or otherwise, she's exploring New York City with her family, throwing parties in their postage-stamp-sized backyard and doing way too much laundry. She is at her best when helping others cultivate a growth-mindset, develop diverse networks and inspiring personal and professional communities.

Conquer Impostor Syndrome By Defining The Leader You Already Are

If you’re the only woman in the room, I see you. If you’re fresh off a promotion and feel paralyzed about your next step, I’ve been in your shoes. If you know you must give intense feedback to a member of your team, but you keep avoiding him, there’s a way through this. If you’re the one senior leader on your team without an advanced degree, your knowledge base may feel oh so small compared to everyone else (but remember so is your debt!). 

These are the moments we feel the insidious impostor syndrome that tells us, 

"I don’t know what the F I’m doing." 

"I should have partied less in college." 

"I don’t belong here." 

Our desire to belong in a room, on a team, at a company, in a family is core to who we are, and yet we confuse belonging with fitting it. In her latest book, Braving the Wilderness and in an article for Oprah.com, my spirit guide, Brené Brown, digs into the difference between these two concepts. 

"Belonging is not fitting in. In fact, fitting in is the greatest barrier to belonging. Fitting in, I've discovered during the past decade of research, is assessing situations and groups of people, then twisting yourself into a human pretzel in order to get them to let you hang out with them. Belonging is something else entirely—it's showing up and letting yourself be seen and known as you really are—love of gourd painting, intense fear of public speaking and all." 

So, if the impostor syndrome that plagues us is simply a mask for our desire to belong, and our path to belonging is allowing ourselves to be seen as who we truly are, then our task here is straight forward. We must uncover who we are and translate that into the leaders we want to be. Here’s how I work with clients to create a Leadership Statement to do just that. 

1. Define your values
Choose 5 core values that guide your life. If you’re struggling to come up with 5, a simple Google search will provide you some lists of values you can use as a starting point. My values: Courage, Connection, Inspiration, Peace, Fun.

2. Identify your strengths
What are your superpowers? For what do people naturally seek you out? Choose 3-5 strengths—and if you’re in a place right now where it feels like you don’t do anything well—ask 5 people what they see as your strengths. I find these responses both eye opening and validating! My strengths: Motivating others, Storytelling, Connecting people and companies and pets and…

3. Crystalize your Why
Why do you wake up in the morning? What makes you tick? Who do you want to serve? What problem do you want to solve in the world? If you don’t have this nailed down, go to Simon Sinek’s popular TED Talk for inspiration and clarity. My why: Get more women into positions of power. 

4. Put it all together
Now, throw it at the wall and make it stick together. Don’t worry about using every word that came up in the process. You need not be too literal here. 

As a storyteller, connector and motivator, I’m driven by my courage to seek inspiration in all people and to help them become the best versions of themselves. Fueled by words and transformations, I rise each morning to make a more equal world for my two daughters, by amplifying women’s voices and getting more women into positions of power. 

5. Practice
Before that big meeting, critical presentation, negative feedback session, wedding toast—read your statement. Remind yourself of who you are. Be THAT person, unapologetically. 

Once you decide to stop trying to be John who kills every presentation with his hilarious stories or Anna who wow’s the audience with her meticulous data and research—incredible things begin to happen. You begin to lean into what you do best. And people will notice. They will see how comfortable you are in your skin or they will think you look great, but won’t know why. This is what it’s like to truly do you. It’s self-acceptance. It’s belonging. And while impostor syndrome will never completely go away, your access to your true self will always be your path to conquering it. 

If you’d like some extra support in overcoming your imposter syndrome and taking the reins in your career, reach out to schedule a complimentary Clarity Call with me at rachelbgarrett.com/coaching

If You Want Pay Parity, You Must Talk About Money

One beautiful spring day last year, I met up with another coach for a chat in Union Square Park over lattes. She’d been in business five years longer than me, and we began talking through our corporate workshop and training options. I was floored, relieved and grateful when she broke down her costs for a 2-hour workshop, a full day training and multiple day training programs. 

That sunny conversation sparked me to continue to go beyond my learned discomfort with talking through the details of rates and costs, and forge forward with those challenging conversations with other practitioners I trust and respect. Armed with the knowledge of my market value and where I uniquely fit into the spectrum of my clients’ needs, I can now approach my clients fully prepared, confident and ready to help them visualize the ways in which we can work together to change the lives of their employees. 

In my work with individuals interviewing for new roles or on the cusp of a promotion—the value of these candid conversations is immeasurable. 

You must do your research before negotiating. We’re in an environment where companies are committing to gender pay parity. Your most recent salary is NOT the most important variable in this equation. In fact, some states including, New York State, have made it illegal to ask about salary history in your interview process for this very reason. 

Here are the ways you can do your research before you have the conversation about your salary or raise. 

1. Talk to friends and colleagues
When I bring this up, many clients say, “I could NEVER do that.” If you want to make more money and take a leap toward your financial independence, I highly recommend you get over it and learn how to reframe your question with both your male and female friends. You can tell your friend, the following:

“I have a feeling I might be underpaid at my company and I’m asking around to get a range of what other firms would be paying someone at my level.”

“As part of the current conversation about helping women get to pay parity, one step is for us to be transparent with each other about our salary ranges so that we can arm each other with our market value and support each other in being paid what we’re worth.” 

2. Reach out to recruiters in your industry
Connect with some recruiters in your field and if possible cultivate relationships with them. Reach out to them and ask for salary ranges for specific titles/roles at companies of a specific size. Salaries for Product Manager roles will obviously be different at startups than at companies like Google, so be clear about the size of the firm you’re targeting in your research. 

3. Online research
This is typically the only tactic clients take in doing salary research and while I think it’s important, these websites should not be your only sources. Here are some of the sites I like best:

a. Glassdoor.com
b. Salary.com
c. Payscale.com
d. Comparably.com
e. Fairygodboss.com

As you practice talking about money with your close-in circle, you will gain a fluency and deeper comfort that will empower you to engage in important organizational conversations in order to take the salary jumps you desire in your career. If you feel truly stuck and unwilling to have these conversations, I encourage you to begin some deeper reflection on how your stories and beliefs about money may be holding you back. Wonderful resources on this subject are the books, Money: A Love Story (Kate Northrup) and Overcoming Underearning (Barbara Stanny). You have the ability to re-channel the power that money has over you into a power that can work for you. As women striving toward parity, this is our part of the work that needs to be done to get there.