Is Your Story Holding You Back?

I overheard a conversation a few weeks ago that struck me to my core. I could not concentrate on anything else. I could not write. I could not answer emails. Spotify, where were you when I needed you most? 

An upper middle class white man telling his friend about how hard it is to be him. How much rejection there is in his life. How much pressure. How people don’t understand how hard it is to do the work that he does. And this is the unbreakable circumstance of his life. This is simply how it’s going to be. 

On the surface, you might think—wow with all this white male privilege, why can’t he simply seize the opportunities that are his for the taking? But, that would be a superficial view of the situation and one where we often get stuck. 

Instead, I viewed the situation with empathy. I realized I could not look away because I’ve been him. He clearly has a story about why he is where he is, why his life is hard and why it will always be that way. There is pain and fear and struggle in that story. I was there once too. 

As many of you know, my parents died in a car accident when I was 11. For 15 years after the accident, I survived, I did what I needed to do, but I also created a story about my life that I could use to protect myself from any hint of failure. 

Whether I was facing the consequences of too many absences in high school, not showing up for a final exam in college, or even a tendency to go for the easy job instead of the one that would force me to learn and stretch—when things got hard, I became that poor girl, that story. The girl who wasn’t parented enough, the one who was incomplete, the one who was broken too early. And she wasn’t meant to live a great life, she was meant to get by. I was prone to saying, "I could have been a drug addict or dropped out of life. So, I’m doing ok." 

And then I woke the fuck up. 

I realized that I created the story about that broken girl. And if I did that, then I can also create the story of a girl who had a rough beginning, but so much love and belief in herself that she learned to use that broken-ness as the very wholeness that fueled her to do incredible things with her life. Why couldn’t that story be true? 

With the right support, the momentum of small wins and the practice of moving through challenges as a powerful person—I’ve learned how to choose this story that helps me soar instead of the one that keeps me standing still in life. 

When my clients come to me, they’re also struggling with stories that are holding them back in their lives. 

I’m the mom who took 3 years off to care for my kids. My career wasn’t going that great before that, so I’ll never get back into the workforce. 

I’m the entrepreneur who has been working my ass off in my own business and wishing I had the routine of a day job. I could never make the switch because people will think I failed. 

I’ve never had a role with great leadership or direction, so I have zero accomplishments or results to put on my resume. 

When we work together to break down these stories, debunk their truth and create a new narrative, beautiful things are possible. What’s the story that you’ve constructed about your life and how is it serving you right now? How is it keeping you in everything, ranging from a life of complaints and pity, to just getting by, to living an OK life. Are you really here for something just OK? For me, giving myself permission to go beyond OK was the game-changer I needed to live a life of meaning. And when that broken girl shows up every so often, I show her compassion, acceptance and love, and remind her that there’s another choice that’s within her grasp. 

Managing Up Is Your Key To Moving Up In Your Career

In the early days of my digital marketing career, I found myself in my mid-twenties leading a large multi-disciplinary team and responsible for a multi-million dollar website launch. It wasn’t a position I’d ever expected I would be in just a few years earlier while finishing up college and changing my major for the fifth time in my senior year (clearly a topic for another post!). I rose quickly and stepped into my role with boundless curiosity and a passion for the work. 

I took to managing all of my direct reports with a fervor and excitement that I now consider to be the early clues of my love for motivating, inspiring and all things leadership. But when it came time for me to report the work of the team and the challenges facing the project to senior leadership, I felt like a teeny tiny person. 

The symptoms of my inexperience were physical and visible. In my status meetings with our SVP, my face grew hot and red. I was holding back tears and I had no idea why. I was taken over by an image that I had done something wrong, I was unworthy of being in the room or that I would need to defend myself. And it didn’t get better when I began to talk. Eyes glazing over. Yawning. Checking watches. These reactions were not going to get me the support for the team or the project I needed. I knew I needed help to fully step into this role by managing up. 

Thankfully, I was able to enroll in leadership training that gave me the tools to build my confidence. I read every leadership book I could get my hands on. Then I practiced, believed I was worthy, made mistakes, learned from them and was honest about areas I wanted to grow. Interestingly, with all my focus and attention in this area, it’s become a great strength of mine, and is something I share with my clients as one piece of the puzzle that can clear the path for them to rise in their careers. Here are three areas of focus for you to practice when you’re managing up. 

1. Heal childhood wounds around authority
For many people, especially for those who are early in their careers, authority figures and hierarchy can bring up a lot of fear. Don’t judge yourself for this fear. We’ve all been yelled at by parents and teachers and athletic coaches and those memories live in our bodies as we sit down with bosses and leaders in our companies. Identify what memory may be a trigger for you, get quiet and be compassionate to the child who was embarrassed or belittled. Do some writing or reflecting on what came up in those moments and remind yourself you are not that child anymore. You are strong enough to deal with whatever anyone would say about you. Most importantly, you can now choose what to believe and not believe. If this seems like an area where you need additional support, it can be life and career-changing to work with a therapist around some of these early traumatic moments that may be holding you back.

2. Less is more
This is a lesson that took a long time for this verbose woman to learn, but once I did, my managing up skills grew exponentially. Your senior leaders do not need to know every detail. In fact, they have no time for those details. You must break down your message to its simple core. What are the high level takeaways and where do you need their support? Wherever you can, make recommendations for solutions instead of dumping problems in their laps. When you come to them with your honed story and clear concise needs, you’re demonstrating that you respect their time and that you have the confidence to take on the details without them. 

3. Authentically promote yourself and your good work
Leverage your time with and your exposure to senior leadership as an opportunity to plant seeds about your pride for how your projects are moving forward, relationships you’ve build and ideas you have that might further the goals of the organization. This is a tough part of the job for many because they feel it’s fake or phony—but truly it’s not if you talk about the things that bring you actual pride and joy. Side note: if you’re having trouble finding those things you have other challenges that you should investigate. When you regularly build the case for the value you’re bringing to the organization, you will be primed to take on more responsibility and clear the path for promotion. Learn more about how to do this with my 5 Commandments Of Self-Promotion. 

The good news is that these are skills that can be developed over time. There are some people who seem to have come out of the womb confidently persuading and presenting cogent arguments to the C suite, but for the rest of us—there’s hope and time to hone our craft. And as with all professional development endeavors, it starts with a mix of self-awareness, compassion and enough curiosity to experiment with a new approach. 

Create The Fun of 2018!

I’ve wrapped up 2017 with a long list of accomplishments. I’ve created my Why that brings me to tears: get more women into positions of power. I’ve rallied my team, which now includes a new mastermind group of KICKASS women business owners who are going to support me in breaking my business wide open—and that’s a good thing! It’s all quite serious and powerful and inspiring. I’ve never been more prepared for a year to start than I am right now. A fellow coach commented, "You’ve been shot out of a cannon this new year." 

Yes, it is true, but immediately it became clear to me: I’m over-indexed on intensity and well, where’s the fun of 2018? I must create a release valve where all of this excess energy can go, as well as a way to celebrate my hard work.

I wish I didn’t need to impart a process for you to add fun back into your life, but if you sat in on as many client sessions as I have, where it is clearly at the bottom of the priority list—I promise, you would do the same. 

But, before I un-fun my fun blog post with homework, I want to remind you why fun is important and why it is not what you may think—frivolous and unproductive. 

Like clean eating and movement, fun is fuel—a renewable resource at your disposal if you so choose. It’s in that fun, that we let go of being stuck, we give up resistance and we experience the best moments of our lives. It’s the stuff that makes us want to keep going and to redouble efforts everywhere else. Who wouldn’t want all that? 

So, where do you start? Here’s a simple 3 step approach to bring back the fun (I feel a hashtag coming on…) and make 2018 the year you remove the stick from an obvious body part. 

1. Make a list of the things that bring you fun and joy
This is not what you think should be fun or what your sister thinks is fun. This is about you. What makes you pee your pants laughing? What brings a smile you can’t wipe from your face? What brings you the kind of joy that makes you feel like a kid? Make a list of things. Remove judgment from all that’s on the list. I don’t care that jumping on a trampoline is your north star! So why should you? 

2. Schedule fun into your calendar and make it a priority
Take a look at your list and choose a couple of things that you want to pepper into your calendar of choice. Treat these appointments like your most pressing, urgent, important meetings of your week. Protect your fun time. When that’s the only time someone else can meet with you, practice saying, "I’m not available." Silence. No need to say, "I can’t because I’ll be sword fighting at that time." They don’t need to know this. That’s between you and your sword. 

3. Notice your resistance to fun
As with everything in life, your resistance is an opportunity to learn. If you’re not able to keep your commitments to your fun practice, reflect on why that is and how a fun-free week is working for you. What does fun bring up for you? Experiment with only scheduling 15 minutes and actually doing it. What did you feel during that time? Were you desperate to be productive? Or did you feel like you needed to be perfect in your fun? Like you’re not doing fun right? Take some notes in a journal about what your resistance is bringing up for you and you may find some answers you weren’t expecting to come out of your scheduled 15 minutes of visiting the dog run sans dog. 

I now sound like my daughters where every conversation is simply a vehicle to bring up our upcoming adoption of the dog that will join our family sometime in 2018. Our dog is part of my 2018 fun plan, along with a week in the woods, more time with friends and dancing. 2018: less sitting, more dancing! And fun. More fun, please! 

Help A Working Mom By Sharing This

When my older daughter started Kindergarten in a new school and my younger was in her terrible two’s, I had taken on a larger role at work and in short—life was complicated. Mornings were a shit show of epic proportion. I came to expect all three of us to be crying as I locked the apartment door to start each new day. At the time I thought, "Wow. I’m simply sucking at this." And then to top it off, the subway would take its sweet time on my commute. I arrived late and was already behind for each meeting. All day I fought against the sad nagging feeling that I wasn’t winning any awards at the office, either! 

I knew I had to do something to break me out of that daily cycle of failure and despair. So, I took the natural next step for any overwhelmed working mom. 

I signed up for the New York City Marathon. 

Wait. What the what???

At the time, I couldn’t articulate to anyone why I was doing it. I had run a few races, but slowwwly…and never anything as intense as the magical, daunting 26.2. It was unreasonable. Unthinkable. And that’s exactly why I knew I had to do it! 

It was something powerful; proof that I could conquer my deepest fears and trust my intuition. It was the gift that forced me to lean on and be lifted by my people. And they were all in too. After five months of training, my six-year-old sat us down the night before the race and said, "I want us all to close our eyes and picture mommy crossing the finish line of the marathon." Love and tears. Enough said. 

The marathon made me realize—I’m not that great a runner and I ran a freakin’ marathon!! What can I do with the things I’m REALLY great at??? And then, my coaching practice was born. 

Sometimes it’s that simple. We need something to shake us out of reacting to our lives so that we can create the life we want.

And if running a marathon isn’t your thing…that’s ok! I have something else that can shake you out of a life of:

Autopilot

Overwhelm

Guilt 

Perfectionism

It’s called WORKING MOTHER MASTERCLASS—and I’m so over the top excited to be sharing it with you! It’s the culmination of three years of helping women to end their self-sabotage so they can build lives they love. And it will be a major focus of mine this year in my mission to get more women into positions of power. 

In the 8-week group coaching program we’ll:

1. Build out your life vision and learn what you want in your core.

2. Figure out what’s getting in your way (ie. guilt, perfectionism, difficulty saying no).

3. Master the work-life juggle by giving clear strategies to get out of overwhelm.

4. Up-level your leadership by defining your leadership style and personal brand, while improving your communication and learning to promote yourself in an authentic way.

5. Create a plan for self-care, fuel and fun!

6. Incorporate concrete ways to help other women.

7. Provide the accountability of a badass group of motivated and committed women.

8. Work through the challenges of what it’s like to be a woman in today’s workplace in a safe and supportive environment.

There’s only room for TEN women in this group and it starts January 30th! Sign up now to reserve your spot. They’re going FAST! 

If it sounds like it’s for you, you can learn more about signing up here or schedule a Clarity Call with me to talk through the details. 

Or, if you know someone who sounds like a good fit for the program, forward this email or feel free to reach out to me. 

This is going to be BIG—so join me. Real talk, real change for the real life you’re meant to live.