5 Ways I Use My Values To Guide My Life

I've been a student of the Personal and Professional Development world for nearly 30 years—first as a hobby and way to satiate my unending curiosity about people—and then as a career and way of life. I've identified my five core values over the years as part of various workshops, classes and books, but I remember each time writing them down and then promptly tossing that piece of scrap paper in the most convenient recycling bin. I was clearly missing the point thinking that all I needed to do was to figure out what they were and the rest would magically fall into place. Well, guess what? The change I was seeking by living a life based on my values didn't materialize until I turned what I hoped would be magic into a practice. 

I started with baby steps to begin walking my talk. I did the values exercise one more time and came up with a slightly tweaked version of the values I want to live today:

Courage. Connection. Inspiration. Peace. Fun. 

I, like many of my clients, had trouble narrowing down a list of over a hundred values to simply five, but now that I've adjusted my life around them—looking at that list feels like the core of me. Now, I keep them in my wallet, in a note on my phone and on my whiteboard. I write about them. I talk about them (as many of my nearest, dearest and not so nearest and dearest know.). 

Here are 5 areas of my life I've synched up to my values to both rewarding results and clear direction for where I need to continue my work:

1. Career
Because I transitioned to a field that was focused on personal growth, this was a no-brainer, first domino to fall. As I began to build my business, I looked at the actions I was taking both as a coach and personally, to see where I was living up to my values, and where I wasn't. What could I do differently to be more courageous or inspire my clients to be the best versions of themselves? What could I do to stop taking myself so seriously and have a laugh with a potential client? And I'm thrilled to report that each time I come back to this as my core—I find answers unbound and energy to move through the things that scare me. 

2. Time
I like to call this chapter, "Google Calendar meet Rachel's values." I took a hard look at all of the things I had scheduled—in both the professional and personal aspects of life, and I made sure they laddered up to my core. To be honest, when I started, it was a total shit show. Not only was I committing to things that had more to do with other people's goals and priorities than my own—but I was over-indexed on a couple of my values while the others were completely MIA. "Peace. Peace, anyone? Bueller? Bueller?" If peace was important enough to put on a top five list—why was I not making time for it? I began asking for more childcare help from family or babysitters so I could schedule time in for breaks and time to refuel, in general. On my most recent summer family vacation, I read an entire novel. This, my friends, is called progress. 

3. Money
I won't linger here because you can read my deeper dive on this topic in, I Tracked My Spending For A Year And Here's What I Learned. After reading Kate Northrup's beautiful book, Money: A Love Story, I took her sage advice and began regularly reviewing my spending to make sure it aligns with my values. While this is an ongoing practice and something I am continuously working on, I feel inspired by taking charge of my finances. Sure, purchasing life insurance or managing a budget may not make everyone feel inspirational, but focusing on and planning for the future does for me. It certainly grants me some peace, as well (inspiration and peace—a two-for-one)!

4. Tough decisions
This is one of my favorite approaches to using values as a tool in my coaching practice. Many of us struggle with making decisions. When you use your values as a filter for decision-making, it can be that small step you need to begin trusting your gut and tapping into your inner compass, your intuition. This may sound obvious, but I like to ask myself, "If I do X, will it bring me closer to a life of [INSERT CORE VALUES]?" Sit with that question when you have quiet time and/or let it percolate for a few days or weeks. Remember, there is no "should" when you're making decisions from your core. If you're using a should, that's a clue that you're using someone else's values and not your own. 

5. Relationships
Truly, in this one—I feel I'm just scratching the surface of how I can be living my core. For the most part, it's who I am with my clients, my friends and most of my family—and that's been an exciting change. I hear from friends about their pride in who I've become in the past few years and that it feels like such a natural shift. That said, it strangely feels the toughest to pull off in two of my most important relationships—with my daughters. I'm working through our culture's definition of who I "should" be as a mother, to shut the Pinterest projects and the perfection down—so I can be fun and at peace—instead of the stressed out soul trying to keep up with it all. Really, what's fun about getting everything on the to do list done when my kids ask me to spend time with them? When I'm able to breathe through it and let the dishes sit one more hour so I can teach them how to play jacks or draw together in our meditative coloring books—I know I'm moving through the "should's" into who I want to be for them and for us. 

The process of staying true to who I am is not always simple, but it is clear—and that's one of the reasons I find it absolutely achievable. I also leave the necessary space for my core values to shift when I'm hitting different milestones in life. This is where I am right now and it feels truly me, but there will be a time when another priority may gain enough momentum to find a way into my top 5. And while I may not be exactly ready for it, I have built a practice to work through that change and adjust my life to meet who I've become. 

When You're Stuck, Stop Thinking And Just Do

I hear from men and women at all levels of their careers that things are OK, but they have an overall stuck feeling. They have a yearning that's not being met—whether it's creativity, meaning, collaboration, mentorship or for f$ck sake—a sane boss. Whatever it is, they do a lot of these things to deal with it:

• Complain to friends, family and dogs

• Read articles and books that tell them how they should change themselves

• Compare themselves to others who seem to have their shit together (at least on Instagram. #noimnotastalker)

While at least the first two of these approaches seem like they could be productive—without one critical element—you're digging the hole deeper. 

Instead of all this ruminating, you must take action. It could be teeny, tiny or ridiculously huge. It could be directly related to your job or in my case (back in my digital marketing days), it could be so disconnected that you get the head scratching response of, "You feel stuck in your career so you're running the New York City Marathon? No comprendo, friend." 

In retrospect, I didn't have any good responses (except the snarky ones) for this line of questioning, but somehow I knew it was exactly what this newbie runner needed to do to find my answers. And man, did I find what I needed in this most unlikely of places. After the marathon, I realized, "I'm not that great a runner and I ran a marathon. What can I do with the things I'm great at? And why am I not doing them right now?" This one thought, combined with the knowledge that I accomplished something I didn't think possible, gave me the courage to pursue coaching and writing—helping people live lives they once thought impossible, too! 

What will you DO to step out of this funky stuck place? (Hint: it doesn't need to be a marathon! Phew.)

• You can set up conversations with those three people you've been stalking admiring on Instagram. How did they get where they are?

• You can commit to seven days of journaling, gratitude or meditation. Getting quiet sounds like non-action, but it's one of the most powerful things you can do to get in touch with your inner compass.

• You can ask five people what they think your strengths are.

• You can book a trip to somewhere you've always wanted to go.

• You can volunteer for a cause in which you care deeply, but never felt you had the time to support.

You've got options. The key to knowing if you've found the right answer is if you respond YES to any of these questions:

1. Will this bring me joy?

2. Is it something I'm curious about?

3. Do I feel lit up inside when I think about it?

4. Does it scare me (at least a little)?

Now, stop reading, thinking and thinking some more. Put down your phone. And go do something. DO SOMETHING! Right. Now. Un-stuckness is waiting for you. 
 

Let's Give Up Guilt, Right Now

There are many variables that can destroy your work-life balance formula. The top three I hear are:

1. A lack of support from partners, family and friends

2. An inflexible work situation

3. Guilt about not doing enough in work or life

The first two can absolutely be optimized, tweaked and improved, but the reality is they will take time (and focus!) to adjust because they are deeply connected to your external circumstances and people who may be slow to change. 

But guilt, oh guilt—when I see it show up in a session, I feel the potential energy of a transformation. If guilt is your number one reason for being out of balance, you're in luck and you're about to change your life—on the quick. Let me spell this out for you. 

Guilt is in your control. 

Guilt is your choice. 

Guilt is sucking the joy out of all you're doing well. 

When you give up guilt, you're not changing your job or your boss or the field trip you had to miss because of a meeting. You're changing what all those things mean to you. Remember—you get to choose what they mean and why not take a deep breath and choose to think that you're doing the best you can (which is pretty damn good). 

I'm not saying there's no room for improvement. Of course there is! It's always helpful to reflect on how you're doing in your work or as a parent, or with how you're contributing to the world. But—it's critical to do this reflection without judgment. If you're coming from the perspective of being a self-aware flawed human, you're opening up the possibility for change. You can channel the time and energy you were spending on guilt on some realistic tweaks to your life that can bring you pride and confidence about your path and the choices you're making. 

Here's a quick exercise I like to use to move through guilt when it comes up for me:

1. Become aware of the guilt I'm feeling.

2. Notice where I feel it in my body.

3. Put my hand on that part of my body and take 3 deep breaths.

4. Tell myself, "I'm doing the best I can. I'm loved and respected for everything I do." (Find something you can say that resonates for you.)

Of course, working through guilt will be an ongoing practice because it will never go away completely. But, you will be amazed at how quickly you can find relief from giving it up. It's nothing short of liberating (and addictive!). What are you currently feeling guilty about that you can release RIGHT NOW? Yes, you can choose to feel peace, right now, and it feels calm and safe, like a place to call home. 

10 Sanity-Saving Back To School Tips For Working Parents

Excitement, stress, anticipation, fall clothes and backpacks appearing in boxes in a frantic panic to be "ready!" The back to school fervor is upon us and it is yet another time of year when working parents can lose their cool in a sea of overwhelm and guilt. Don't go there. There's another way to forge forward, friends—and it doesn't involve a trip to Staples during peak after school hours with two kids in tow. 

I'm going to keep this one short and sweet, because truly—who has time to read anything longer than a list right now? 

Here's my list of ways to keep it real and stay sane during Back to School:

1. Do whatever you do to stay calm
If exercise, deep breaths or a coffee date with a friend is your happy place, don't let those things fall off the list right now. There's going to be enough excitement and perhaps anxiety coming from the kids for the entire family to absorb, so the more you can manage your own stress, the less there will be to go around. 

2. Acknowledge your kids' emotions that may be running high
Provide your kids with a safe place to feel the emotions of and express the fears around their upcoming return to school. For kids who may not want to talk about it, have some art materials on hand so they can express what they need to in a way that makes sense for them. 

3. Don't feel the need to buy into consumer panic
If Johnny doesn't have his thermos on day one of school—everyone will live. If Jane only has a few outfits she loves right now, it's all going to work out. There will be other sales. There will be other discounts. You have a lot on your plate right now, so if shopping isn't a priority—that's OK. 

4. Get organized
You may remember this one from my piece in June, A Working Parents' Guide To Surviving The School Year's End. Get ahead of all of the activities. Get them on the calendar. Divide and conquer with your village. Talk to the kids to let them know you can't go to all of the activities, but you want to go to the ones that are the most important to them—and then do your best to make that happen. 

5. Routine-ify a few days early
We all let bedtimes and wakeup times slide during summer. Breaking down the routine allows us to have that extra glass of rosé in those beloved evening hours at the beach or to see that outdoor movie in the park. I strongly encourage getting back into your regular routine 2-3 days before you head back to school if you want to do your best to avoid first day meltdowns. Tired kid = melty kid. 

6. Create a Ritual
Each new school year is a BIG DEAL for your kids and for you. Create a way to honor that and mark the day in a special way. We've been going out for dinner with the same two families every last and first day of school since the kids were in preschool. It's something they look forward to doing, a way for them to extend the excitement of the day and share all the big news with their oldest friends. 

7. Set an intention for the new school year
What do you want to get out of this school year as a parent? Who do you want to be in the face of homework frustration, friendship struggles and changing bodies? Going into the school year with a simple intention like, I am empathy, or I am peace, could be just what you need to remember during those tough times to help you move beyond your go-to stressed out reaction. 

8. Participate in a way that feels right to you
If you want to be involved in your kids' education—that's great—but do the things that make the most sense for you. If you love to go on field trips, work with the teachers to get the dates in advance so you can plan them into your work schedule. If you're a super organized type and like the administrative role of class parent, go for it! But don't step up to do those roles out of guilt or obligation. Surely there's a way you can channel your own superpowers to participate in class or in your children's school. 

9. Reflect and optimize without judgment
Think about how you handled the end of school last year. What worked and what didn't? Where did your stress and overwhelm kick in? How did your badassery show up? Without making yourself feel bad or wrong about how it went down, learn from what I like to call, "The June Cluster" and choose an area to focus your improvements. Don't expect perfection, but do know that by the time the kids go to college—you're going to be killing it! 

10. Acknowledge the loss that comes with a new year
Gulp. This is a tough one. Watching your baby start kindergarten. Helping your middle schooler memorize her locker combo. Backing down when your high schooler doesn't want ANY help at all. With each new year comes new skills and a greater maturity, but also a loss of that baby who knew you were her north star. Recognizing the sting of these losses helps you prepare for the new needs of each developmental stage. 

Remember, even with all the tools in the world and prep and getting ahead of it—you are not in control of how your child will handle this time of year. Kids will melt. Siblings will fight. Ice cream will fall off the cone. It's how we handle all that is not in our control—that IS within our control. I hope knowing that is the relief both you and your child need to simply do your best—and have gratitude that your best is pretty great.