People Want To Help

Whether you're in a career transition, a new role, leading an awe-inspiring project that secretly makes you want to throw up from all of the responsibility it brings, or in the middle of a sudden crisis—one thing is clear—in order to get to the other side, you're going to need support. It's clear to me because I've been both the giver and receiver of that help and I know how I thrive on both ends, but I see many of my clients struggle with the smallest of professional asks. 

Do you writhe in discomfort when you are faced with asking for the following things?

• Introductions to hiring managers in your target companies
• Quick conversations with former colleagues who have interesting roles you might like
• Chats about your consulting services to see if they may fill a need
• Time with a mentor who has the most seemingly busy life you could imagine, but always finds a way to inspire you with five minutes of satiating wisdom

To quote Helen Keller, "Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much." You can only get so far with simply your own perspective, your own expertise, your own knowledge and your own relationships. In order to push the boundaries of what you can create for your life, you must ask for help. And I have good news for you. People want to help! If that's the case, what's really stopping you? Here are the questions I ask my clients to help them work through whatever is blocking them from asking for support. 

1. What's the worst thing that could happen?
Often clients have a breakthrough (and a good laugh at themselves) after just this question. The fear that is stopping you feels so strong and paralyzing and when you look at the worst-case scenario, it sounds like this: "He won't write me back." Yeah, and…can you handle that? How many people have not emailed you back or answered your LinkedIn requests before? Have you been able to move on from it? Can I get a "Yes, many and yes?" When that happens, you brush yourself off and ask someone else. People are busy. They go on vacations. They experience crunch times before a deadline. If they don't write you back, it's most likely not about you and they may get back to you a month later. 

2. How do you feel when you are asked? 
If you're anything like me, you feel honored to be asked for support and you feel good about yourself when your help makes an impact in that person's life. If a request comes in during a busy time, I make sure I tell that person to make it as easy as possible for me to help—whether it's writing an email that I can forward to someone or meeting me for a coffee close to my office. In remembering how you feel when you're on the receiving end of a request, you can better imagine that the person on the other end of your ask may be feeling the same things you do…instead of all of the nasty things your mind is saying about you right now (that we'll discuss in #3). 

3. What do you think asking for help says about you?
I'm needy. I don't have my shit together. I'm flakey. These are a few of the common answers I hear to this question. Let me make an important distinction for you. If you dump a problem on someone (who is not in your inner circle) without a specific request in mind, you could be perceived in all of those ways I mentioned. But if you have identified something you want, found a person who may have it and reach out with a specific request that is easy to complete—you appear to be someone who is quite the opposite of that needy, flailing person. You are focused and actively engaged in making choices that will change your life—and in the process you're reconnecting with people you respect and admire. Reframing is your friend, friends. 

Of course, when you get to the conversation or when you get the job, express your gratitude to the helpers in question. Notice how they feel about what they did and if they comment on how it felt to be asked. Often you will find that they are impressed with the initiative you took and the thought with which you put into the request. File this comment and that feeling away for your next ask. It will be your first line of defense against the writhing that comes along with not doing it all yourself. 

How Is Perfectionism Holding You Back?

Perfectionism. You tout it on interviews as one of your greatest strengths. While hailing its name, you follow your kids around the house with a microfiber cloth and your favorite cleaner—Method Cucumber Surface Spray (been there!). You give it all the credit after delivering a project on time and on budget (without giving it the credit for hours of belaboring over emails and colors and words and serial commas not to mention what everyone on the team will think of the emails and colors and words and serial commas). It’s the reflection by which you measure your body, your relationships, your work and your joy. Yes, even your joy! 

We dutifully worship at the altar of perfectionism—but to what cost? How is perfectionism holding you back? Here’s a short list (that is by no means exhaustive) of the top areas of your life that are impacted by your perfectionist ways. 

1. Productivity
You may think that by telling your boss you’re a perfectionist, he’s going to give you a high achiever award. You’re wrong. What he’s really thinking is, “She’s never going to get anything done.” Among leaders, perfectionism is seen as a weakness and not a strength (so choose something else for that upcoming interview!). When you’re caught in the grips of delivering the unattainable—a perfect product or service—you can choose to make the perfection a priority over meeting a deadline, customer need or addressing a financial cost. This a lose-lose scenario that will dramatically impact your relationships and reputation over time. 

2. Confidence
“Never good enough” is the rallying cry of the perfectionist. In thinking and living this mantra, over time you can widdel your confidence down to a tiny, thirsty sapling. Its thirst is for praise and validation that only comes from external sources and when it does, it is deflected with self-criticism, so it is never truly satisfied. This damaged confidence hinders your ability to trust your intuition, thus you begin to second-guess your every decision and can be left paralyzed. 

3. Peace
How calm can you feel when negativity is jabbing at you all day, when nothing you do or produce feels worthy, when the thought of someone noticing the tiny hole in your sweater feels like the nagging pebble in your boot on a 12 mile hike? The answer is obvious -- and yet, we continue on this path where we believe we will find our peace and calm once we meet our goal of the perfect job or the perfect body or finding the perfect life partner. Then, we will deserve to feel peaceful! Well, sadly if this is your approach, you will be waiting an eternity or until that moment you learn that you can choose the peace you want to feel no matter where you are on the path to your achievement. In fact, I would say that it’s near impossible to achieve that thing without this realization and without a commitment to choose peace on the regular. 

4. Connection
Here’s a funny little secret: people are drawn to imperfection. Lucky for me, people tend to like quirky personalities! According to the sage Brené Brown, “Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we’re all in this together.” The quirks, the flaws or as the late Robin Williams labels them in Good Will Hunting—the peccadillos—they make you interesting and relatable and memorable. When you try to hide those things under a thinly veiled perfectionist standard, you’re missing out on deeper connections and relationships that are frankly more fun! 

5. Love
Often times when we hold ourselves to an unattainable standard, we don’t stop there. We can hold our partners to this standard as well, and to better understand how this makes them feel, please see numbers 1-4, above. In a nutshell, it makes them feel unappreciated, unworthy and unloved. Harsh, yes, but also accurate. It’s a surefire way to get them to back off from being vulnerable with you, as you may have done with them in an effort to hide your own imperfections. When this happens on both ends it can mean the beginning of a distance that must be addressed before the gap becomes too wide upon which to build bridges. 

Are you convinced or are you still hanging onto your habit with a vice grip? I’m a fan of experiments that produce small wins. Choose one area of your life this week where you can practice letting go of your perfectionism and see what happens. My dad used to call those holes in his sweaters, “air conditioning” and it’s one of the memories of him that always makes me smile. What are your peccadillos and how are you going to turn them into your superpowers starting right now? 

Before Taking A Career Break, Think About These Things

When I was pregnant with my older daughter, I knew I wanted to take six months off. I knew financially the six months was a beautiful gift for which we had saved and planned—but that I could not take longer than that timeframe. My income was a necessity for our family equation. I was prepared for this reality, but often lamented and shared with friends my sadness that I did not have the choice to stay at home full-time as my mother had. I had enjoyed a successful career in digital marketing, but the excitement for this next chapter, this chance to be a mom—something I'd dreamed about since being a child playing house—was my first priority and consumed my every thought. 

Then I gave birth to my daughter, my love, who came out of the womb with a big heart and a strong will. I adored my life of caring for this new and curious creature, but around month four, something unexpected happened. I yearned to talk to former colleagues about projects and have conversations that didn't include topics like the color of poop and the number of ounces anyone drank in one sitting. At a time I thought I would be mourning my dwindling leave, I was strategizing about the people I could talk with so that I could land a more flexible role. It was then that I realized that we are all wired differently, unaware of how we will react or the decisions we will make until living in and through a situation. And that's okay. I had to do what would be right for me as a mother. I needed to work and I also wanted to work. That was good information for me! What's critical is that I didn't make myself feel bad about my realization. I was going to be a happier parent if I was working. 

In my practice, I coach many clients who have made the opposite decision, taking a break from their careers when becoming parents. I admire and respect that they have made the decision that is right for them and their families. That said, I hear and see many of the challenges they face when returning. Some are internal challenges, yes—and after our work together—they kick those issues to the curb. But some are realities of our culture that they wish they'd known before taking their break. Even with this knowledge, I still believe this could be a viable option for you, but I want you to go in with the data and the understanding of what may be meeting you on the other end. 

So if you're thinking of taking a career break after becoming a parent, here are the things I'm compelled to share: 

1. Go beyond finances and consider your identity
Often I hear stay at home moms say something like, "It didn't make sense for me to work because my salary would simply cover the cost of childcare and we would break even." If you've run the numbers, that may be true in the short-term. We'll talk about long-term financial impact later, but for now it's important to note that pre-kids, much of our identity is interwoven with our careers. For many that have college and graduate degrees and then years of intense careers under their belts—bringing that path to a grinding halt can be traumatic, no matter how in love with their children they are. If you and your partner are making a decision to take a break solely for financial reasons, I would push you to consider how this will affect your happiness and well-being—given who you have been and your priorities to date. I would also suggest you work with a financial planner who can help you create a model that is longer term. You may be able to get creative and figure out a way to stay in the game in some way if that's what you desire. 

2. All or nothing are not your only options
While the fast and rigorous pace of your current role may not be what you want for when you become a parent—it doesn't mean there aren't other options out there for you. I went from working long hours at a fortune-100 company, to leveraging my most marketable skills three days a week for a non-profit. I eventually ramped up my hours, but for a temporary period while my kids were young, I was able to stay in the game, continue to learn and get paid what I believed I was worth. If your concerns are around, not being able to "do it all", let me put this to bed for you. You will not be able to do it all, no matter what option you choose. Flexible options are tougher to find, but they're out there and what's nice is that you can create them by leveraging the strong network you've built to date. 

3. Keep at least a toe in
Thanks to companies supporting women returning to the workforce sprouting up all the time, I'm happy to say the tides are turning. A career break on a resume is becoming more of an accepted and even overlooked phenomena. That said, companies are still looking to see that you were doing something professional during this break. Whether you're starting your own website or doing freelance writing or volunteering with the PTA—you'll do yourself a solid if there's something that can be added to this timeframe on your resume. More importantly —beyond your resume— doing something professional during this time will move mountains for your confidence and what I call your career mojo (that feeling you have when ideas are flowing and there's momentum on your career path). One of the first things I ask clients to do if they're considering a return to the workforce is to take on a project or some professional work to get their confidence and career mojo back.

4. Your lifetime earning potential will shift
According to Samantha Ettus, author of The Pie Life: A Guilt-Free Recipe for Success and Satisfaction, "18 percent of future earnings disappear if moms leave the workforce for a year, and that increases to 39 percent for two years, according to research…Most couples calculate the lower earner's annual salary compared to the annual cost of child care…The real equation is the lower earner's income from now until retirement, compared to five years of child-care costs." It's important to take a long-term view of the picture rather than a snapshot in time, the moment your child is born. A women's lifetime earning potential has become critically important as women are statistically living longer lives than their partners and are left to manage the household finances, requiring more money to manage their care as they age. As I've said, this does not need to be a deal breaker for you if your decision is to stay home, but it is good for you to know and weigh as a factor in your decision. 

5. Prioritize self-care and confidence
As moms, we're constantly doing for everyone else and making ourselves the last priority. As a result, many of the women I see are overwhelmed, exhausted and depleted. Often for stay at home moms, they can feel guilty for not bringing in an income so they feel like they need to be productive every minute of the day, constantly doing for the family -- which rarely includes care for themselves. As you may have experienced in certain times of your life, when you give up on exercise, mostly clean eating and doing the things that bring you joy or make you feel like you—your confidence can plummet. Taking steps to get support whether it's with friends or professionals, can be a huge part of bolstering your confidence. If you think you may want to return to work at some point, keep up with former colleagues and your network throughout your break. Feeling like you'll need to start from scratch when you return is one of the things that can keep you paralyzed during your search. 

Whatever you choose, it's important that you and your partner are on the same page, checking in with each other from time to time to see if your current arrangement is working for both of you and your family. If you're not open, resentments can and will grow. Know that returning to work after a break is absolutely an option. It simply takes some time, support, thoughtful vetting of the right next role and a belief that you can create your version of having it all. 

Dealing With Difficult People

You know those days when you're firing on all cylinders. You've had three brilliant ideas before 9:30 am AND you've executed on all of them. You're in the middle of patting yourself on the back when Bob walks over to your desk. Heart racing, palms sweating, expletives lining up in your brain for battle. Bob. Bob is the designated "difficult personality" at your place of business. He's not your boss, but he's confrontational, dismissive and aggressive. He leaves you feeling like a pile of poo underfoot after each interaction. 

Sometimes Bob is a George or a Julie or a Mitch or Leslie, but no matter who this person is for you—it's important to realize that whether you're navigating one of these difficult personalities right now or you have in the past—Bob will try to throw you off your game at some point in your future, too. So, now is exactly the right time to learn how to confidently step up your game with Bob and his counterparts. 

Here are some of the ways I turn my Bob interactions into opportunities to me make me a stronger, more resilient leader. 

1. Lead with empathy
Bob's way of being (which sometimes includes being a total ass) stems from his life experiences and events. If he needs to resort to this kind of behavior during his daily interactions, it's safe to assume he may have gone through some hard things, or has not yet developed the self-awareness muscle required in nurturing deep relationships. While it's not your job to fix these things, know that his behavior is not about you and understand that his projected overpowering strength comes from a place of vulnerability. Leading with empathy can help remind you that Bob is human and flawed which in turn diffuses your interactions and minimizes anxiety that can spark from those interactions on both ends. 

2. Get energized
If you have a planned meeting with Bob, do whatever you do to get your energy up to peak performance level. To quote one of my coaching mentors who helped me prep for a meeting with a Julie, "You need to do whatever you do to show up as a fierce athlete on the field." For me this included a 2-mile sprint, listening to Sara Bareilles "Brave" at volume 9 and reminding myself of my badassness with a few powerful words. When I showed up to my meeting with Julie, I didn't sink into my seat and wait for the tirade. I matched her energy verbal punch for punch and I was amazed to see the dramatic shift in our dynamic. I didn't give her a window to doubt, criticize or second-guess. I saw respect in her eyes for the first time in our relationship. Think of the things that you do to get yourself psyched up for your top form. Many of my clients do Amy Cuddy's Power Posing, come up with a mantra, dance it out to a song, EXERCISE, visualize themselves as their superhero alter-ego (hello Sasha Fierce!) or whatever other quirky option fits their personalities. 

3. Boundary up! 
One of Bob's special tricks is the sneak attack. He comes over to your cube for an unannounced, unscheduled visit to discuss something that you don't currently have time to discuss. This is a dominating move that says, "My time is more important that yours" and "I need to have answers right now without giving you time to think, giving you little chance to succeed." He's standing and you're still sitting—thus continuing the power dynamic he's put in place. No time for a quick Power Posing session or even some jumping jacks before you step into the ring. The first thing you MUST do is stand up. With this body language, you begin to reclaim your power. Then, it's completely within your right to take a deep breath and say, "Bob, I'd like to give this the time it deserves and now is not that time. Let's schedule a meeting to discuss this so we can come together with some thoughtful solutions." This is just one example of the myriad of ways you can set boundaries with Bob. When you keep it professional and engage in interactions with him on your terms, you invite less of his antics into your working relationship. 

4. Don't take it personally, but seize the opportunity to learn
You didn't install Bob's buttons or program his behavior. If you take a step back, you'll quickly notice that you're not the only target. Take comfort in the realization that his choices are not about you. You're confident in your professionalism and your ability to build relationships. But—we can all do better, so use your relationship with Bob as an opportunity to upgrade how you're conducting yourself. What are you doing to invite his behavior or show that you will engage at his level? With tips 1-3, how can you stop escalating your interactions with Bob? How can you project the confidence that doesn't allow you to be one of Bob's many victims? 

5. Celebrate small wins
Just as you will have empathy for Bob in this process, have some compassion for yourself, as well. You're learning to advocate for yourself. This takes practice and won't happen overnight. When you stand up during a cube sneak attack or set up a brief in-person meeting after his explosive email (with 20 VIP players cc'd) instead of engaging in global thermo-email war—give yourself a mental high five! With each new confident action, you're building up a portfolio of boss-ness that will stack the evidence against your internal doubts and fears. 

While this approach is intended for colleagues and not bosses, the truth is—if Bob is your boss much of this still applies. Boundaries may be trickier because at the end of the day, you need to fall in line with the chain of command. That said, anyone who's had a great leader knows that they have the generosity and respect to find comfort and growth in a relationship with boundaries. More to the point, if Bob is your boss and you've tried many tools (including these) to up-level the relationship with little success, it's time to kick-start the search again. It's hard to do your best work and stay engaged in your role when you're constantly working against a toxic boss. Continue to learn from your experience with Bob while you're searching and keep energizing yourself so that you can nail those interviews and be the star you know you are (no matter what Bob says).