Dealing With Difficult People

You know those days when you're firing on all cylinders. You've had three brilliant ideas before 9:30 am AND you've executed on all of them. You're in the middle of patting yourself on the back when Bob walks over to your desk. Heart racing, palms sweating, expletives lining up in your brain for battle. Bob. Bob is the designated "difficult personality" at your place of business. He's not your boss, but he's confrontational, dismissive and aggressive. He leaves you feeling like a pile of poo underfoot after each interaction. 

Sometimes Bob is a George or a Julie or a Mitch or Leslie, but no matter who this person is for you—it's important to realize that whether you're navigating one of these difficult personalities right now or you have in the past—Bob will try to throw you off your game at some point in your future, too. So, now is exactly the right time to learn how to confidently step up your game with Bob and his counterparts. 

Here are some of the ways I turn my Bob interactions into opportunities to me make me a stronger, more resilient leader. 

1. Lead with empathy
Bob's way of being (which sometimes includes being a total ass) stems from his life experiences and events. If he needs to resort to this kind of behavior during his daily interactions, it's safe to assume he may have gone through some hard things, or has not yet developed the self-awareness muscle required in nurturing deep relationships. While it's not your job to fix these things, know that his behavior is not about you and understand that his projected overpowering strength comes from a place of vulnerability. Leading with empathy can help remind you that Bob is human and flawed which in turn diffuses your interactions and minimizes anxiety that can spark from those interactions on both ends. 

2. Get energized
If you have a planned meeting with Bob, do whatever you do to get your energy up to peak performance level. To quote one of my coaching mentors who helped me prep for a meeting with a Julie, "You need to do whatever you do to show up as a fierce athlete on the field." For me this included a 2-mile sprint, listening to Sara Bareilles "Brave" at volume 9 and reminding myself of my badassness with a few powerful words. When I showed up to my meeting with Julie, I didn't sink into my seat and wait for the tirade. I matched her energy verbal punch for punch and I was amazed to see the dramatic shift in our dynamic. I didn't give her a window to doubt, criticize or second-guess. I saw respect in her eyes for the first time in our relationship. Think of the things that you do to get yourself psyched up for your top form. Many of my clients do Amy Cuddy's Power Posing, come up with a mantra, dance it out to a song, EXERCISE, visualize themselves as their superhero alter-ego (hello Sasha Fierce!) or whatever other quirky option fits their personalities. 

3. Boundary up! 
One of Bob's special tricks is the sneak attack. He comes over to your cube for an unannounced, unscheduled visit to discuss something that you don't currently have time to discuss. This is a dominating move that says, "My time is more important that yours" and "I need to have answers right now without giving you time to think, giving you little chance to succeed." He's standing and you're still sitting—thus continuing the power dynamic he's put in place. No time for a quick Power Posing session or even some jumping jacks before you step into the ring. The first thing you MUST do is stand up. With this body language, you begin to reclaim your power. Then, it's completely within your right to take a deep breath and say, "Bob, I'd like to give this the time it deserves and now is not that time. Let's schedule a meeting to discuss this so we can come together with some thoughtful solutions." This is just one example of the myriad of ways you can set boundaries with Bob. When you keep it professional and engage in interactions with him on your terms, you invite less of his antics into your working relationship. 

4. Don't take it personally, but seize the opportunity to learn
You didn't install Bob's buttons or program his behavior. If you take a step back, you'll quickly notice that you're not the only target. Take comfort in the realization that his choices are not about you. You're confident in your professionalism and your ability to build relationships. But—we can all do better, so use your relationship with Bob as an opportunity to upgrade how you're conducting yourself. What are you doing to invite his behavior or show that you will engage at his level? With tips 1-3, how can you stop escalating your interactions with Bob? How can you project the confidence that doesn't allow you to be one of Bob's many victims? 

5. Celebrate small wins
Just as you will have empathy for Bob in this process, have some compassion for yourself, as well. You're learning to advocate for yourself. This takes practice and won't happen overnight. When you stand up during a cube sneak attack or set up a brief in-person meeting after his explosive email (with 20 VIP players cc'd) instead of engaging in global thermo-email war—give yourself a mental high five! With each new confident action, you're building up a portfolio of boss-ness that will stack the evidence against your internal doubts and fears. 

While this approach is intended for colleagues and not bosses, the truth is—if Bob is your boss much of this still applies. Boundaries may be trickier because at the end of the day, you need to fall in line with the chain of command. That said, anyone who's had a great leader knows that they have the generosity and respect to find comfort and growth in a relationship with boundaries. More to the point, if Bob is your boss and you've tried many tools (including these) to up-level the relationship with little success, it's time to kick-start the search again. It's hard to do your best work and stay engaged in your role when you're constantly working against a toxic boss. Continue to learn from your experience with Bob while you're searching and keep energizing yourself so that you can nail those interviews and be the star you know you are (no matter what Bob says). 

The Arsenic Of Career Comparison

We all have that friend or some of us have several. She found her calling AND she has the time to make Pinterest-inspired projects with her kids that don't go directly in the trash. He's received three promotions in three years and he just ran his fifth marathon. What the what? She became a career coach at the same time as you and she's already been on every podcast under the sun (all hypothetical, people!). 

When we begin to compare ourselves to these seemingly perfect people, we only see the good stuff. And with social media inundating us with updates every moment and in every direction, we can't escape these perfectly Instagram-able lives that frankly, make us want to call it a day. But you can't. And you won't. Not on my watch, friends!

Here are three ways I've helped clients kick the career comparisons habit in exchange for a life they're proud to be living. 

1. Recognize the perfection is perceived
I coach impressive, high achieving, polished humans—who have fears and flaws. This work has reminded me that no matter what your title is, where you went to school or how perfectly adjusted your child may seem in public—you inevitably have fears and flaws—they simply appear in different ways for different people. And when you see the social media posts that make you want to hurl, remember—you're seeing the visual version of that person's elevator pitch. They've packaged this nugget for you and thousands of followers with filters and multiple takes. These snaps are not their lives. They are mere moments in a mix of ups and downs that makes up a human life. In knowing this, I've grown my capacity for empathy and compassion for others that instantly removes the power of comparisons when they arise. It still takes reminding myself, because again—I'm human with fears and flaws—but with practice, I'm able to get myself out of that insecure, comparative place quicker than I ever thought was possible. 

2. Lead with curiosity
If you keep running into someone who seems like she's got it going on, the odds are that there's more to it than what you're seeing. Instead of stewing in comparisons, ask her how she got to where she is? Set up time with her for coffee or a drink so you can dig into hearing her story, the obstacles she's overcome, how she overcame those challenges and where she gets her support and inspiration. There's so much you can learn from this person who you've already admitted has something you want. The moment we turn the comparative energy into an opportunity to learn, we can get into action around creating the kind of lives we want—instead of scolding ourselves for what we don't have. 

3. You do you
You don't want what he has. Right now, you think you do, and I get that. Truly, you want what YOU want, but the trick is figuring out what that is! Often when I see people struggling with comparisons, it's because they haven't done the internal reflection or the experimenting to figure out what it is that they, themselves want for their careers or their lives. This can be a process where you accept a period of uncertainty and "not knowing" — and you may go through it several times in your life—but it's a critical piece of living a life where you feel authentically who you are. When you are living someone else's dream, whether it's safe or brings you a ton of cash or esteem—it will always feel hollow. But if you take risks and experiment with different paths only to stumble on one that feels right and then begin to gain momentum and connect with a part of you that you didn't know existed—take it from me—there's no better feeling. 

Now that you have this framework, when your next comparison arises, I challenge you to ask yourself, "How can I learn from this person?" Or "What can I do to better connect with what I want in MY life right now?" And even better, "How can I look at this person as human, with fears and flaws?" Notice how you begin to take back your power (and don't be so quick to give it up next time)! 

When You Believe You're Trapped In Your Job, You Are

When the Sunday night stomach churn expands through the entire weekend. When you embody the "Yes Man or Woman" you've always despised, because having a point of view feels futile. When anger turns to hopelessness and you return home each day, a pile of mush—hungry for comfort food, Sauvignon Blanc, and your reality TV binge dujour. This is what it looks like when you feel trapped in your job. If you don't recognize this picture, you're one of the lucky (or self-aware) few! For the rest of us, at some point in our careers, we've numbed ourselves into believing we're in a no way out situation with a healing pint of Talenti Sea Salt Caramel and some nasty words about the people and the situation that brought us here. 

While it's true that external forces can create one of these career rock-bottom moments where we have a micro-managing boss, a colleague seemingly sabotaging our success or a workplace with endless hours and unrelenting deadlines, STAYING in that situation is a CHOICE Let me repeat this to make sure you get it. 

Staying in the situation, continuing to tell yourself and others that you're trapped—IS YOUR CHOICE. 

Here are 3 ways I work with clients to help them make the critical mindset shift that propels them out of their stuck situation. 

1. What are you getting out of being trapped? 
As human beings, we typically don't stay in a situation if we're not getting something out of it. You may be yelling at the screen right now. "What the f could I be getting out of this job? I hate it!" I get it, but if you had to think of one thing, what would it be? Often the answer is—permission to choose fear. Fear of rejection when applying for a new job. Fear that you won't find the money or the flexibility you have right now. Fear that none of your interview clothes fit. Fear that the next job will be even worse. Fear that you can't do anything else. These are all valid and understandable fears, but you are a smart and capable person who has conquered your fears before. Why are you letting them win now? 

2. Acknowledge you're in a TEMPORARY crap-tastic situation
When you tell yourself that you're trapped, you cut off the potential of seeing any new opportunities or ways out of it. And you continue to create your "trapped" situation. By acknowledging that this moment is temporary, you remove the world of pressure that comes from the proposition of facing an entire lifetime of this feeling. Instead, you can focus on getting through this moment on this day. There's beautiful wisdom in the recovery program mantra, "One day at a time." All you need to do is focus on right now. The relief you feel from this one practice, will allow you to look up again while you're walking through the world and see clues and possibilities for your next move that would never have been available to you. 

3. Channel your superpowers
By this time in your career, you've logged some significant successes. It may be hard to remember them in your current state, but dig deep. What's a career highlight that makes you beam with pride? What are the special qualities you have that helped you succeed? What are the things others would tell you are your strengths or your superpowers (because that's frankly more fun)? If you're not sure, go ask the people who have supported you in your career. While it may be hard for you to ask, I assure you, it will be easy for them to answer. Get this list of superhuman qualities together and write out a plan for how you're going to use each one to get yourself out of this temporary shit-show. When you have a plan, you are leveraging your strengths and taking action every day with a maniacal focus. It's only a matter of time until this sitch eats your dust!

So put down the Talenti and the remote control. You're done choosing fear, today. 

The New Networking Rules: For People Who Hate Networking

As a Career and Leadership Coach, I’ve heard every complaint about networking there is. That said, I’m open to hearing some new ones—so share’em if you’ve got’em! You may have said some of these before. 

“I’m so bad at it.”

“I don’t have time.” 

“It makes me feel fake.” 

“I’m in a transition, so I’ll sound flakey.” 

“I’m better with dogs than I am with people.”

“I don’t do small talk!” 

“I’m too old. Nobody wants to talk to me.”

“I’m too young. I have nothing to say.” 

“I JUST F’ING HATE IT!” (A classic)

Deep breathe, friends. There is a way to network so that you feel like you—AND you don’t have to add another job onto the two or three you already have. 

Here are my New Networking Rules: For People Who Hate Networking to get you out of your head:

1. Language Is Power. Swap Out The Word “Networking” for “Connecting”:
Yes, networking can sound fake, phony, sales-y [insert hate-able word here], but what’s wrong with connecting with new people, asking a lot of questions, learning about them, sharing what you’re up to and building a relationship? It feels different and like something you would do in your everyday life. You never know if this person will be your new running buddy, a contact to meet for lunch once a month, someone who inspires you to take a new step in your career, the woman who connects you with the hiring manager at the company you’ve been researching or someone you will never see again. All of these are possibilities and it’s up to you to find out which one it will be. 

2. Forget Networking Events, Connect Where You Are:
Birthday parties, swimming lessons, playgrounds, family brunches, drinks with friends who bring their friends, meeting in coffee shops—my weekends are filled with all of these things and guess what—they’re all opportunities for connecting. If you don’t have time to add in an evening networking event because you work late or you want to put the kids to bed—I get it! I’ve done some of my best connecting while my kids are otherwise engaged at birthday parties. The other parents are all thrilled to have something to talk about beyond the kids for a little while (and to excuse us from that next bouncy slide). I’ve also found that when people are out of the often-stifling environment of a corporate event, they let down their guard and are more open, interesting and interested in a lively conversation. 

3. It Can Be a Game—Tally Up Chances To Practice Your Elevator Pitch:
Whether you’re looking for a new job or working on becoming more of a leader in your current role, you need an elevator pitch. There are many great articles online with formulas that work. Here’s one on Idealist.org that I like. Also, if you’re in a career transition, here’s another post that will help you figure out how to put that into words while sounding confident. It’s important that you practice your pitch aloud. You do not want to sound like C3PO. Before you get into an interview or a meeting with senior leaders, I recommend spending some time testing out your pitch on people in your close-in circle. Feel free to start with your partner, your close friend or your dog (especially if that’s your comfort zone as explained in the networking complaints above). Then move on to the friends of friends at that 40th birthday party you promised you would go to, but don’t know anyone beyond the birthday girl. Can you wrack up one practice a day? Go! 

4. It’s Not About You:
If you’ve read the first three rules and still want to hurl, try setting an intention that’s not about you. Practice your listening skills. Ask unexpected questions. Think about ways to help this person who’s taking the time to connect with you. In our distracted world, many of our conversations don’t include this level of listening so this can be a powerful way to get started. 

You may have heard the stats—over 80% of jobs are found via networking connecting. This can be a game-changer for you now that you know how to do it in a way that feels authentic and not like you’re constantly trying to be a “closer!” (said with loving respect to all you authentic closers out there). You do you and see what happens in the process.