How to Tame your Impostor Syndrome

Sometimes when I’m prepping a client for an interview, it’s clear – they’ve done their homework..

Elevator pitch ✅
STAR  stories ✅

How many tennis balls fit into a limousine? Kidding – we don’t prep for that one anymore. 

They know their stuff and yet, it’s not landing when we do a mock interview. Or they’re sweating through a 2nd shirt. 

That’s when we take a step back and look at what’s truly getting in the way. 

It sounds like…

Why would they want me when there are so many other candidates? 

I don’t have every bullet in the job description. 

Am I even [INSERT ANY COMPANY NAME} material?

In these moments, I say with all the love and compassion, what’s holding you back here is not your expertise or your level of talent (which is typically off the charts).

It’s the dreaded impostor syndrome. 

It’s that part of you that doesn’t believe you’re worthy of this role. 

The eight-year old part who didn’t get every answer right on the worksheet and was scolded by a parent, a teacher or a competitive kid. 

She’s scared. She's stomping her feet to stop you from taking a chance on doing anything that is not perfection. With the sweat and racing heart, she’s trying to redirect you to safety. 

But you – you know that these are the moments you pull yourself out of the game. When you don’t go for the promotion or the public speaking opportunity. 

And you promised yourself that you’re ready to break this pattern. To step forward, even when it’s messy. Especially when it’s messy. 

So you sit this 8 year old you down in that chair that everyone fights over in your childhood home. 

And you give her a hot cocoa with as many marshmallows as she wants and you say – Little me, we’re ok. 

Somebody should have told you, you can do your best and you can get some answers wrong and you will still be smart and lovable and worthy of getting that VP of Marketing role. OK, that last part may not make too much sense, but trust me it will some day. 

You can say all the things you needed to hear then and are still hungry for now. You can breathe through whatever feelings come up and know you will have to say these things again and again to make them stick. 

But it’s worth it. You’re worth it, sweaty pits, imperfect answers and all. 

Authentic vs. Executive Presence

Early on in my business, in addition to my 1:1 work, I facilitated 2-hour workshops on Executive Presence to rooms filled with aspiring women leaders.

At the time, I felt my own impostor syndrome sneaking up – standing in front of 30 women, telling them to focus on eye contact, watch their filler words and reign in their body language – when I was struggling with the very same “challenges.”

While I absolutely believed in my mission to advance women into positions of power and I knew this was part of the work to get them to “fit into these roles” and “play the part” there was always something about the work that felt uncomfortable for me.

Reading this now – the problems seem so obvious, but full transparency, 8 years ago – it wasn’t clear. I thought there was something a little bit wrong with me for struggling to conform to the “Executive Presence” standards set for me. Just as I was telling these women, there was something a little bit wrong with them.

That they had to change themselves to fit the culture.

Be something that wasn’t who they were.

What I see now is that this discomfort was leading me somewhere important. A place I needed to grow.

A place where I was enough. I was worthy of being who I am and sharing my message in my way.

And the patriarchal systems that don’t support me, accept me, require that I stay small – must change.

What does it look like to break the rules of Executive Presence as we’ve been taught so we can show up with Authentic Presence?

Do we truly need to pretend to be white men to lead, or can we use our gifts without bending who we are, inspiring others to do the same?

Showing up authentically requires walking directly into the fire of fear, realizing–not everyone is going to like it and you don’t need to be for everyone.

I can be here for the people who are here for me. And it’s enough.

I Dropkicked My Inner Critic And You Can Too

This past fall, a coaching group that I belong to asked me to create a two-minute video where the assignment was to introduce myself and then provide insight on a topic with tools and a strong point of view. My topic was perfectionism. Cue the foreshadowing. 

I’m quite comfortable writing a provocative and vulnerable blog post, then promptly sending it out to thousands of strangers.

I’m also at home speaking my truth in front of audiences of varying sizes. In fact, I’ve learned that it gives me an unparalleled adrenaline rush. 

And then there’s video. As a former digital marketing professional, I’m well aware that this is a critical channel for me to master to make a broader impact. My logical side also creates a beautiful equation that should be the fuel propelling me over my resistance. Video = written content + invisible audience. There, that explains it. Now, go! 

Cut to three hours later, and I’d written scripts that were taped to the wall above my computer. My eyes were darting about trying not to look like I was reading a script. I tossed my script—stopped and started a thousand times, then finally banged my head against the desk in despair. My entire body was rejecting this assignment. But why? 

During my 20th procrastination trip to the bathroom, I decided to take a long look at myself in the mirror. I wanted to scream, but instead I addressed my Inner Critic eye to eye. “Miller The Killer!” She’s so suitably named after my 3rd grade teacher, Ms. Miller, who seemed to thrive on my frequent tears. “Why are you holding me hostage today? Why don’t you think I can do this?” 

She was thorough. 

“Your voice sounds nasal.” 

“You don’t have anything new to say.” 

“They won’t like you.” 

“If you don’t speak perfectly, they’ll think you’re inarticulate.” 

“Just sit in your yoga pants and write your blog posts. With those you can edit and edit and edit…”

It went on and on until I landed my best mental DROPKICK. She was on the ground which gave me time enough to throw some choice words at her and then keep her down with my conviction. “You’re going through something. I get it. You don’t like this and you’re new to it so you’re not great at it yet. And that’s exactly the courageous place you’re going to start. It will NOT be perfect. It may not even be good, but it will be done, and you will have moved through this shit-storm of self-hate. Now show yourself some fucking compassion and let’s do this thing.” 

After my ceremonial ripping of the script, I wrote the word “compassion” on an index card and taped it above my laptop. I made sure Miller the Killer (MtK) was still limping in the corner and I gave her a look that kept her frozen in place. 

I pressed record. I thought about having fun, helping my favorite clients and how relatable imperfection can be. I stumbled a bit, but kept going. After one take, I decided I was done with this activity for the day. It was as good as it was going to get this time around and it was actually pretty good. MtK even gave me a silent nod. Until next time! 

Our inner critic—that voice in our head that tells us in the harshest of terms how inadequate we are—provides only one opinion. And that opinion is the one that channels our deepest fears, protecting us from anything we perceive to be dangerous—even digital video. As with everything else in our lives, it’s our choice whether or not we believe that voice. 

When you feel that paralyzing resistance before trying something you know you must do, try my dropkick approach:

1. Acknowledge the presence of your inner critic.

2. Give him or her a name that gives you a visual of who he/she is to you.

3. Give your inner critic a chance to voice the fears that he/she is feeling.

4. Now, do your best mental dropkick!

5. Choose a new way to look at your task at hand.

6. Stare your inner critic down once more right before moving forward.

7. Go for it!

8. Note how different it felt this time around.

It would be quite the trick to learn how to make your inner critic disappear for good. When you learn that one, please share! The good news is that when you become more aware of her, she begins to take long vacations. That said, she often decides to helicopter in at the precise moment you’re inches away from your goal. And if she does, don’t fret. You’ll be prepared to break out that well-practiced dropkick. Hi-yah!

Conquer Impostor Syndrome By Defining The Leader You Already Are

If you’re the only woman in the room, I see you. If you’re fresh off a promotion and feel paralyzed about your next step, I’ve been in your shoes. If you know you must give intense feedback to a member of your team, but you keep avoiding him, there’s a way through this. If you’re the one senior leader on your team without an advanced degree, your knowledge base may feel oh so small compared to everyone else (but remember so is your debt!). 

These are the moments we feel the insidious impostor syndrome that tells us, 

"I don’t know what the F I’m doing." 

"I should have partied less in college." 

"I don’t belong here." 

Our desire to belong in a room, on a team, at a company, in a family is core to who we are, and yet we confuse belonging with fitting it. In her latest book, Braving the Wilderness and in an article for Oprah.com, my spirit guide, Brené Brown, digs into the difference between these two concepts. 

"Belonging is not fitting in. In fact, fitting in is the greatest barrier to belonging. Fitting in, I've discovered during the past decade of research, is assessing situations and groups of people, then twisting yourself into a human pretzel in order to get them to let you hang out with them. Belonging is something else entirely—it's showing up and letting yourself be seen and known as you really are—love of gourd painting, intense fear of public speaking and all." 

So, if the impostor syndrome that plagues us is simply a mask for our desire to belong, and our path to belonging is allowing ourselves to be seen as who we truly are, then our task here is straight forward. We must uncover who we are and translate that into the leaders we want to be. Here’s how I work with clients to create a Leadership Statement to do just that. 

1. Define your values
Choose 5 core values that guide your life. If you’re struggling to come up with 5, a simple Google search will provide you some lists of values you can use as a starting point. My values: Courage, Connection, Inspiration, Peace, Fun.

2. Identify your strengths
What are your superpowers? For what do people naturally seek you out? Choose 3-5 strengths—and if you’re in a place right now where it feels like you don’t do anything well—ask 5 people what they see as your strengths. I find these responses both eye opening and validating! My strengths: Motivating others, Storytelling, Connecting people and companies and pets and…

3. Crystalize your Why
Why do you wake up in the morning? What makes you tick? Who do you want to serve? What problem do you want to solve in the world? If you don’t have this nailed down, go to Simon Sinek’s popular TED Talk for inspiration and clarity. My why: Get more women into positions of power. 

4. Put it all together
Now, throw it at the wall and make it stick together. Don’t worry about using every word that came up in the process. You need not be too literal here. 

As a storyteller, connector and motivator, I’m driven by my courage to seek inspiration in all people and to help them become the best versions of themselves. Fueled by words and transformations, I rise each morning to make a more equal world for my two daughters, by amplifying women’s voices and getting more women into positions of power. 

5. Practice
Before that big meeting, critical presentation, negative feedback session, wedding toast—read your statement. Remind yourself of who you are. Be THAT person, unapologetically. 

Once you decide to stop trying to be John who kills every presentation with his hilarious stories or Anna who wow’s the audience with her meticulous data and research—incredible things begin to happen. You begin to lean into what you do best. And people will notice. They will see how comfortable you are in your skin or they will think you look great, but won’t know why. This is what it’s like to truly do you. It’s self-acceptance. It’s belonging. And while impostor syndrome will never completely go away, your access to your true self will always be your path to conquering it. 

If you’d like some extra support in overcoming your imposter syndrome and taking the reins in your career, reach out to schedule a complimentary Clarity Call with me at rachelbgarrett.com/coaching