As a working mother with two school age children (ages 8 and 11), one of the hardest moments of the pandemic experience to date was the announcement on March 15th that NYC schools would be closed through April 20th.

Slow-mo.

Gut punch.

No air.

"I need a beat." I finally strung together while catching my breath and processing my new reality.

Of course, I knew it was the right move for the city, the world and us. And now odds are that it will go longer still. But it was a moment that drove home the gravity of the situation and the extent to which our lives would change. I remind myself that experiencing this shift first-hand only makes me better equipped to serve my clients, and this helps me to keep moving forward–to spread the word on what powerful leadership looks like right now.

In the past two weeks, I have supported working parents who are now juggling:

1. Keeping their families physically safe and healthy

2. Minding their family’s mental health

3. Educating and entertaining the kids

4. Their work/roles/careers/businesses/financial health

It’s a lot. It’s overwhelming. It’s the opposite of business as usual. So leaders, colleagues, partners, clients and friends, here’s how to support working parents right now.

Expect less
This is a tough concept, but take it in. The physical and mental health of the family are the two most important priorities for working parents right now. They can’t do all that they were doing before the pandemic. Nor should they. They will burn out, and this is a marathon—not a sprint.

Go there
Acknowledge how hard this is for them and all they’re doing right now. Give them a space to talk if they want it. Give them a space to fall apart if they need it. Model vulnerability by talking about what’s hard for you right now. Ask where they need support and show up when they call on you.

Practice compassionate scheduling
On a more tactical front, this will be critical in showing you see the struggle for working parents right now. Be ruthless in your decisions of what topics require a meeting and what can be handled via email, slack text or any of the other million communication tools out there. My observation of how scheduling is working for many parents is that meetings are best scheduled between 9 and 12 and 1 and 3. Lunchtime is sacred and after 3–when the official school day ends, there will be many interruptions, so meetings are not ideal. And please, be generous and understanding when working parents can’t jump on to last-minute meetings. They are holding this together with sticks and glue so a last minute request can throw an entire day off-course.

Remember the path toward gender equity
Working with many women in my practice, I can tell you first-hand, the working moms are filling in many of the gaps—and it’s not because the fathers don’t want to help. It’s because their employers expect that they have a partner of the female persuasion who will take it all on so they can continue to forge forward at the same pace and productivity level. If employers want to walk the talk on diversity and inclusion right now, they MUST expect less from parents of all genders. This isn’t a woman problem. It’s a human problem and we must come together as humans and as families to address it.

Make special accommodations for parents of kids under 5 (wherever possible)
I am bowing down to working parents of the smallest kids right now. Children who can’t possibly understand our current situation. Children who require care that is physical, non-stop and depleting—especially when social and outdoor time is limited. Whether it’s opening up the communication more deeply, shifting work around the team, restructuring schedules, accepting babies on laps during zoom calls or simply holding judgment on how people and homes look on video (a shower is not a foregone conclusion these days!)—create a safe space for imperfection, vulnerability and resilience for your people.

It’s clear, this new reality is hard for all of us and it’s hard for us in different ways. Along with my compassion practice, I’m moving forward by being generous when I feel strong and asking for help when I need it. I’ve found in my circle that so far, we’re up and down at different moments of the day—so in those up moments, we can remember to reach out to somebody who may be down. That’s what you can be doing with the working parents on your team and in your life. When you’re up, check in with them. They may be in a good spot and you can have a laugh with them, like I did on the day my girls drew magic marker beards on their faces while I was on calls. And when they’re not up, you’ll be giving them the much-needed acknowledgement that what they’re doing is hard, but it can be done.

While this all feels endless, it is truly temporary.

Every morning, I wake to a world that’s different than the one I put to bed. And by afternoon, it’s different still. I am swept into a new reality for a few hours. I organize it in my mind and then—without warning–I disregard all that I know for a new set of facts that will have their brief moment of relevance before the cycle continues.

This is life right now: an unrelenting barrage of change, loss and shocking stats about my hometown.

Then there are the moments where:

My eight-year-old practices Tai Chi with her entire class via zoom.

I have a first session with a new client who is crying with gratitude to have support right now.

My dog sleeps against my leg during my quiet writing time.

And I realize, even while my brain is under arrest multiple times a day, I continue to have a lot to be grateful for. I’m doing my best in a world that’s not currently set up for the most basic of human needs.

I know, when I’m at my best, I’m practicing compassion. For myself, for my family and for a world of humans who know as little as I do about how to get through this intact.

My compassion practice right now is:

1.     Doing less.
2.     Expecting less of others and myself.
3.     Hugging my family a lot more than is typical for me.
4.     Releasing judgment of my decisions.
5.     Connecting more with people I love.
6.     Being outdoors (where it is less dense).
7.     Laughing with my closest friends.
8.     Creating a safe space to make mistakes.
9.     Choosing faith that we will be physically, mentally and financially OK.

In New York City, it’s tough to remember that there was a time before COVID-19 impacted my world and me. And yet in early February, I was focused on feeling good and how that was changing my life and my business. So, there was a time. Either there simply isn’t space in my brain to think about it right now or I’m focused on what our world will look like after, whenever that will be. While the expectation of feeling good seems like a long shot right now, compassion feels achievable. It offers a path forward where I can take teeny tiny steps without a focus on any known destination.

One of the unexpected joys of running my business is discovering insights and answers when I crunch my numbers. After three plus years of coaching and training full time (nearly five years total), I can now see patterns that stem from both seasonality and the impact of all the things that are happening in my life. Being a mom of two (plus one fairly needy dog), and a caregiver to my uncle with Parkinson’s, certainly makes for a life that has its highs and lows.

So when I look at my monthly revenue numbers, and I see:

One of my highest revenue months was one November when I moved my uncle into an assisted living facility and was touring a dozen middle schools.

February and August have been quiet each year.

I plan accordingly.

If a big life event is coming up or shows up unexpectedly, my go-to response is often—this is going to impact the time I spend in the business and the revenue I bring in. And then I remember that crazy, yet energizing November. I use it to change my mindset in the moment. I stay the course and know, with some self-compassion and scheduling precision, I can still pull out a powerful and profitable month.

In my first two years of business, I may or may not have found myself looking at LinkedIn job descriptions during February and August. When activity slowed, I was swept into the siren song of fear.

This year, with the data as evidence and the confidence in both the business and me, I chose to see the quiet time as a gift.

I scheduled a vacation for February (and it was glorious).

I used the extra time to create two new group coaching programs.

I started the outline for the eventual book. Yes, I just wrote that.

I set up more meetings with colleagues, mentors and collaborators.

It is a shift I’m celebrating daily—especially now that we’re into March. Armed with the data, I gave myself permission to find calm, move towards joy and rebuild my energy. Now I’m enjoying the rewards in the form of new creative projects that are directly connected to the stretch/unthinkable/crazy goals I set for my business in the very beginning. At the time, I didn’t know how I would get there. I realize now that the story is being told within the numbers, and I am now paying close attention.

In my business, every day is different. There’s writing, one-on-one client sessions via video and in-person, corporate workshops, email exchanges and business planning sessions.

Then, there’s the one variable in my day that raises its grade from productive to inspiring. For this mostly extroverted woman—that critical element is connection.

While I have grown to gravitate more towards my quiet time in recent years, I know my own recipe for feeling energized and grounded in something bigger than me is contained within conversations, collaborations and in listening deeply to another human’s perspective.
It took a couple of years for me to accept this information about myself, so early on in my business I spent many days drained, distracted and bewildered as to why I couldn’t get enough done when I had hours of allotted time.

I thought back to my corporate roles, to the times I would stare at a document all day, and the moments when I wanted to bang my head against the screen. At those times, I naturally stepped away from my laptop and went to invite a colleague to coffee or pop by the cube of someone else who looked like she needed a chat.

And it worked every time.

I was re-energized, refueled and able to forge forward with the task at hand. Now, four plus years in, I’ve happily infused my workday with these connection breaks.

It can look like:

A networking conversation with a colleague.

A mentoring chat with a new coach.

Lunch, coffee or a walk in the park with a friend.

A phone date with my California besties.

Or when I can’t get a hold of my real friends, I need to rely on those making significant audio contributions to my life. Sam Sanders, Krista Tippet, Oprah and Teri Gross, I’m looking at you! 

I once used my connection breaks as a reward for completing the tasks at hand, whether emailing, writing or building out workshop materials. But now, I’m finding a way to leverage the energy I get from my conversations and collaborations within my work. This inevitably reminds me of my gratitude for the freedom I have to be in control of my time, follow my own rhythm and listen to my intuition about how to structure my day. It’s a routine I’ve designed that allows me to be me AND be my most productive because of it.

With two kids and a business to run, I don’t travel a lot. That said, it’s something that I have been hungering for and have committed to do more of as part of my feeling good experiment. My girls are older and more adaptable, the business is far enough along where my disappearance for a week will not make an impact, and yet I’ve realized—it’s hard for me to separate.

From the clients I’m serving—what if they need me?

From the exciting programs focused on systemic change that I’m moving forward in organizations.

From the work that feels like play so much of the time.

With all of that in front of me, I know I need the vacation I’m about to take to get some sunshine and quality time with my family. Beyond needing it—I’m energized by thoughts of warmth, sun and relaxation right now.

I’ve come to realize, this is a situation where both things are true. I’m excited to travel AND I’m sad to leave my business (even for six days, which I know is not a long time!).

Knowing that this is where I am, I’m going to use the balanced approach to vacation boundaries that I share with my clients. Here is the simple principle behind it: you choose the lines that feel right for you, notice how you feel and tweak accordingly. This isn’t about how Instagram influencers tell you that you should refuel. You are in charge of your body and your life, and no matter what you choose—if it feels wrong, you will learn from it.

Here are the boundaries that work for me:

1. Get in front of client needs by reaching out 4-5 days prior to vacation to solicit questions that may come up while I’m gone, reminding everyone that I won’t be answering emails.

2. Check in once a day, but only respond with urgent matters. I decide what’s urgent.

3. Put an out of office message on for my email.

4. Write and schedule my newsletter prior to leaving (hello, from Punta Cana).

5. Be present. Relax. Read a novel. Have fun. If these things aren’t happening, make sure I’m keeping my commitments on the boundaries above.

It may sound a bit type A to create rules for a vacation, but with the backdrop of our cultural addiction to busyness and my own connection to my work, I’ve found it’s a way for me to practice having both things. Work I love AND recharge time. In writing those words, I build a bridge between the two with my gratitude to have both in my life.

In my coaching practice, I work with many women who are at the cusp of transitioning from operating on their own to leading capable teams.

They are independent contributors in corporate roles who were recently promoted.

Solopreneurs scaling up to the next level of their businesses.

Project owners taking on high stakes initiatives for the first time.

This is an uncomfortable moment in leadership for many. It requires releasing control. Stepping out of the tasks upon which you’ve built your reputation and moving into the unknown, the uncertain—exactly where you need to be to level up.

In fact, this is where I see many women get stuck on their career paths.

They spend their days in the nuts and bolts tasks and neglect the strategic work.

They micromanage.

They nurture their teams to a point where they protect everyone else’s time above their own.

They overwork themselves into overwhelm.

Whether they come to me after receiving feedback on their leadership style or when they are in a word—depleted—we begin to practice the art of delegation with these steps:

1. Build awareness of the resistance
In order to change your behavior, it helps to understand your motivation. Notice when you are holding onto tasks you know you should delegate and use your curiosity to probe further. What’s blocking you from releasing this work? Is it fear that your team will make mistakes? Or that you won’t be good at the more strategic work? Once you pinpoint your fear, you can acknowledge it and tailor your solution to move through it.

2. Define the tasks that MUST be you
Zero in on your strengths and even better—what is the subset of strengths that also brings you flow? In his book The Big Leap, Gay Hendricks calls this your Zone of Genius.  Once you’re clear on this, work to redesign your role or your business over time so that you are focusing on these things. Everything else is ripe for delegation. In my business, I learned early on that writing, coaching and networking must be me. I made a list of all the things I was doing besides those three and delegated where I could. It freed me up to focus on the areas of the business where I can bring my magic and release those that were draining me.

3. Think about growth for others
What is rote or draining for you can be a learning opportunity for someone on your team. Check in with your team about what energizes them and what they want to learn, and delegate accordingly. Many leaders say things like, "I don’t even have time to train my people." Part of this transition is moving from a short-term to a long-term mindset. Making this a priority now will save you time in the long-term and help to engage that employee you’re developing. And sometimes, when an employee is enthusiastic, he or she will be willing to go the extra mile for you when things get busy.

4. Set time parameters
Often managers fear that if they throw one more task onto their employees, their people will combust. So said managers take it on themselves. First, this may or may not actually be true. Often new leaders are much more protective of others’ time because they want to be nice or liked. One middle ground approach here is to delegate the task, but say, "I don’t want you to spend more than an hour on this." This way, the employee can create the first pass of the task that the leader can then review and edit—a way to cut the time at least in half.

As with most of my work with clients, the tactical components of delegating become easy and achievable once the mindset piece is addressed. On the individual level it requires navigating that inner critic voice that may be saying, "I should stick with the things I know how to do so I can deliver the most value." Or "I must check as many to do’s off my list as possible." While on the institutional level, it requires leaders and companies to think beyond the women on their teams excelling at only productivity and efficiency—getting shit done. It’s also about giving them opportunities to be strategic and innovative—and supporting them through this uncomfortable and yet expansive moment in their careers.

With my 2020 emphasis on peace in my life, I’ve been doing a fair amount of reading and podcast listening on the topic of "feeling good." As an entrepreneur, the world of content I often absorb is around hustle, busyness, and being a badass. To be honest, I’ve written pieces hailing two of those things.

Yet, I started off the year tired and in a quiet place. Ready to rebuild from an intense November and December, I knew I needed to focus more on self-care, but I didn’t want to do it in a way that impacted the success I was having professionally.

I am intrigued by the simple idea that focusing on my happiness and my energy will bring my business (and life) to the next level. There are some powerful voices out there using these words (and I’m all ears right now!), but there is also an undercurrent of muscle memory, passed down from generation to generation. Success comes from hard work. Period.

So, I decided to run an experiment. If I were to focus on feeling good in my life right now, what would that look like?

1. Complain (a lot) less
For a woman with a superpower of optimism and a job to inspire people, I’ve become aware that when things are not going my way, I complain...a lot. And by the way, I really don’t like that about myself! That said, as with most humans, I have had some legitimate reasons to complain earlier in life, and it became a habit. I’ve even mastered a way to make people laugh while I’m complaining so I’m inspired to keep it going. Laughter aside, I know it extends the pain. I don’t learn anything new from it and it doesn’t bring me the things I want. All reasons to become mindful of it and actively work on quieting that part of me. It doesn’t feel quite possible to eliminate it all together, but I know minimizing it will make a big difference in my mindset.

2. Carefully curate my relationships
In the past month, I’ve prioritized setting up time with the people I love, those who continue to inspire me and those who I don’t know well—but bring me energy. And on the flip side, I’ve graciously excused myself from groups and people who drain me and don’t meet the criteria for my inner circle. Advocating for my own energy and mental health in this way has been one of the most freeing boundary setting exercises of my experiment.

3. Create a buffer of compassion
Some days are better than others here, but for the most part—I’ve given myself more time to do most things. Time between meetings, extra allotted commuting time (which inevitably makes trains run faster), and longer walks with my dog. More importantly, I use this buffer with my self-talk. When I notice I’m criticizing the way I acted, something I said, or let’s face it—as a woman—my body, I have been using this approach of giving myself "a wide berth." Extra space and love to counteract perfectionism and quiet the noise of what others may think.

4. Pay attention to my body
As someone who has never been into sports or incredibly athletic, I can go through busy periods of life where I nearly forget about my body.  I am all thinking, feeling and autopilot—and then something steps in (like a cold or January)—to remind me there’s an entire part of my being I’m neglecting. A part that contains wisdom. Since the new year, I’ve been going to a new fitness class that is on-brand with the creative brief for where I am right now. Challenging, inspiring, gentle and compassionate. And each time I go and sit for the short meditation at the end, it feels like a gift and a space to let go of what everyone else needs from me.

How’s the experiment going, you may ask? The answer is—I’ve had the best January of my business to date. I’m working less and making more. I’m engaged in igniting conversations with organizations tied to my mission of getting more women into positions of power. I’m creating women’s programs focused on systemic change. And on top of all that—I feel at peace. This makes life more fun for me—and it makes me more fun for the people who love me. With all of that early evidence, I am still curious about what else is possible—so the experiment happily continues.

While I primarily coach women in sharpening leadership skills and navigating job searches, I’m currently supporting several men in these efforts. They typically come to me via referral and I joke with them and those referring that if they make it through my uber female-focused website, they’re my kind of guys. Reflective, open, willing to be vulnerable and uncomfortable. Coachable.

I know some women in my audience—having fought for every role, every relationship within their network, every dollar they earn—may look at this headline and think, "Cry me a river. White men hoard the power in this country. If you’re a white man, what’s wrong with you that you haven’t figured this out?"

And that’s exactly the sentiment my clients are met with on their searches, in their networking and even within their families. If they don’t come out of the gate radiating clarity and confidence—the sniff test is often unforgiving.

That’s why, when I work with male clients, we name the sexism at play and call out the systemic issues that they need to understand and confidently move through as they navigate their search.

In our work, here are some of the stereotypes we call out:

1. If men take career breaks to raise children (or parental leave for that matter!), it’s a red flag that they weren’t "good workers" or "successful" in their careers prior to having kids.

2. Regardless of whether their partners work, men are still considered the "earners" in the relationship, so when they are not in a position to bring in money, they can offer little else to the partnership and to their communities. 

3. Financially, the approach must be linear. They must stay on their career tracks to increase their salaries and if they take less money or stay the same in order to make a transition—it can appear weak, unambitious or impulsive.

While I know that these biases are present in the workforce and come up for my clients, the overwhelming focus is on others and external noise. That’s my cue to hold up the mirror so they can see what drives, motivates and differentiates them as human beings of any gender. Stereotypes take over when your mental game is not strong, when you’re unclear of your story and your intentions for how you want to design your career and your life.

So, that’s where we begin. In order to navigate this landscape, the men who work with me must be open to diving into their values and their priorities for the life they want to build. Once that’s clear, it can become the new narrative propelling them forward. It can be what inspires them to leap the landmines that are still present—but are beginning to feel like opportunities to strengthen resilience and resolve.