When I was pregnant with my older daughter, I knew I wanted to take six months off. I knew financially the six months was a beautiful gift for which we had saved and planned—but that I could not take longer than that timeframe. My income was a necessity for our family equation. I was prepared for this reality, but often lamented and shared with friends my sadness that I did not have the choice to stay at home full-time as my mother had. I had enjoyed a successful career in digital marketing, but the excitement for this next chapter, this chance to be a mom—something I'd dreamed about since being a child playing house—was my first priority and consumed my every thought. 

Then I gave birth to my daughter, my love, who came out of the womb with a big heart and a strong will. I adored my life of caring for this new and curious creature, but around month four, something unexpected happened. I yearned to talk to former colleagues about projects and have conversations that didn't include topics like the color of poop and the number of ounces anyone drank in one sitting. At a time I thought I would be mourning my dwindling leave, I was strategizing about the people I could talk with so that I could land a more flexible role. It was then that I realized that we are all wired differently, unaware of how we will react or the decisions we will make until living in and through a situation. And that's okay. I had to do what would be right for me as a mother. I needed to work and I also wanted to work. That was good information for me! What's critical is that I didn't make myself feel bad about my realization. I was going to be a happier parent if I was working. 

In my practice, I coach many clients who have made the opposite decision, taking a break from their careers when becoming parents. I admire and respect that they have made the decision that is right for them and their families. That said, I hear and see many of the challenges they face when returning. Some are internal challenges, yes—and after our work together—they kick those issues to the curb. But some are realities of our culture that they wish they'd known before taking their break. Even with this knowledge, I still believe this could be a viable option for you, but I want you to go in with the data and the understanding of what may be meeting you on the other end. 

So if you're thinking of taking a career break after becoming a parent, here are the things I'm compelled to share: 

1. Go beyond finances and consider your identity
Often I hear stay at home moms say something like, "It didn't make sense for me to work because my salary would simply cover the cost of childcare and we would break even." If you've run the numbers, that may be true in the short-term. We'll talk about long-term financial impact later, but for now it's important to note that pre-kids, much of our identity is interwoven with our careers. For many that have college and graduate degrees and then years of intense careers under their belts—bringing that path to a grinding halt can be traumatic, no matter how in love with their children they are. If you and your partner are making a decision to take a break solely for financial reasons, I would push you to consider how this will affect your happiness and well-being—given who you have been and your priorities to date. I would also suggest you work with a financial planner who can help you create a model that is longer term. You may be able to get creative and figure out a way to stay in the game in some way if that's what you desire. 

2. All or nothing are not your only options
While the fast and rigorous pace of your current role may not be what you want for when you become a parent—it doesn't mean there aren't other options out there for you. I went from working long hours at a fortune-100 company, to leveraging my most marketable skills three days a week for a non-profit. I eventually ramped up my hours, but for a temporary period while my kids were young, I was able to stay in the game, continue to learn and get paid what I believed I was worth. If your concerns are around, not being able to "do it all", let me put this to bed for you. You will not be able to do it all, no matter what option you choose. Flexible options are tougher to find, but they're out there and what's nice is that you can create them by leveraging the strong network you've built to date. 

3. Keep at least a toe in
Thanks to companies supporting women returning to the workforce sprouting up all the time, I'm happy to say the tides are turning. A career break on a resume is becoming more of an accepted and even overlooked phenomena. That said, companies are still looking to see that you were doing something professional during this break. Whether you're starting your own website or doing freelance writing or volunteering with the PTA—you'll do yourself a solid if there's something that can be added to this timeframe on your resume. More importantly —beyond your resume— doing something professional during this time will move mountains for your confidence and what I call your career mojo (that feeling you have when ideas are flowing and there's momentum on your career path). One of the first things I ask clients to do if they're considering a return to the workforce is to take on a project or some professional work to get their confidence and career mojo back. See my post – To Re-Enter The Workforce in 2017, Do These Three Things. 

4. Your lifetime earning potential will shift
According to Samantha Ettus, author of The Pie Life: A Guilt-Free Recipe for Success and Satisfaction, "18 percent of future earnings disappear if moms leave the workforce for a year, and that increases to 39 percent for two years, according to research…Most couples calculate the lower earner's annual salary compared to the annual cost of child care…The real equation is the lower earner's income from now until retirement, compared to five years of child-care costs." It's important to take a long-term view of the picture rather than a snapshot in time, the moment your child is born. A women's lifetime earning potential has become critically important as women are statistically living longer lives than their partners and are left to manage the household finances, requiring more money to manage their care as they age. As I've said, this does not need to be a deal breaker for you if your decision is to stay home, but it is good for you to know and weigh as a factor in your decision. 

5. Prioritize self-care and confidence
As moms, we're constantly doing for everyone else and making ourselves the last priority. As a result, many of the women I see are overwhelmed, exhausted and depleted. Often for stay at home moms, they can feel guilty for not bringing in an income so they feel like they need to be productive every minute of the day, constantly doing for the family -- which rarely includes care for themselves. As you may have experienced in certain times of your life, when you give up on exercise, mostly clean eating and doing the things that bring you joy or make you feel like you—your confidence can plummet. Taking steps to get support whether it's with friends or professionals, can be a huge part of bolstering your confidence. If you think you may want to return to work at some point, keep up with former colleagues and your network throughout your break. Feeling like you'll need to start from scratch when you return is one of the things that can keep you paralyzed during your search. 

Whatever you choose, it's important that you and your partner are on the same page, checking in with each other from time to time to see if your current arrangement is working for both of you and your family. If you're not open, resentments can and will grow. Know that returning to work after a break is absolutely an option. It simply takes some time, support, thoughtful vetting of the right next role and a belief that you can create your version of having it all. 

You know those days when you're firing on all cylinders. You've had three brilliant ideas before 9:30 am AND you've executed on all of them. You're in the middle of patting yourself on the back when Bob walks over to your desk. Heart racing, palms sweating, expletives lining up in your brain for battle. Bob. Bob is the designated "difficult personality" at your place of business. He's not your boss, but he's confrontational, dismissive and aggressive. He leaves you feeling like a pile of poo underfoot after each interaction. 

Sometimes Bob is a George or a Julie or a Mitch or Leslie, but no matter who this person is for you—it's important to realize that whether you're navigating one of these difficult personalities right now or you have in the past—Bob will try to throw you off your game at some point in your future, too. So, now is exactly the right time to learn how to confidently step up your game with Bob and his counterparts. 

Here are some of the ways I turn my Bob interactions into opportunities to me make me a stronger, more resilient leader. 

1. Lead with empathy
Bob's way of being (which sometimes includes being a total ass) stems from his life experiences and events. If he needs to resort to this kind of behavior during his daily interactions, it's safe to assume he may have gone through some hard things, or has not yet developed the self-awareness muscle required in nurturing deep relationships. While it's not your job to fix these things, know that his behavior is not about you and understand that his projected overpowering strength comes from a place of vulnerability. Leading with empathy can help remind you that Bob is human and flawed which in turn diffuses your interactions and minimizes anxiety that can spark from those interactions on both ends. 

2. Get energized
If you have a planned meeting with Bob, do whatever you do to get your energy up to peak performance level. To quote one of my coaching mentors who helped me prep for a meeting with a Julie, "You need to do whatever you do to show up as a fierce athlete on the field." For me this included a 2-mile sprint, listening to Sara Bareilles "Brave" at volume 9 and reminding myself of my badassness with a few powerful words. When I showed up to my meeting with Julie, I didn't sink into my seat and wait for the tirade. I matched her energy verbal punch for punch and I was amazed to see the dramatic shift in our dynamic. I didn't give her a window to doubt, criticize or second-guess. I saw respect in her eyes for the first time in our relationship. Think of the things that you do to get yourself psyched up for your top form. Many of my clients do Amy Cuddy's Power Posing, come up with a mantra, dance it out to a song, EXERCISE, visualize themselves as their superhero alter-ego (hello Sasha Fierce!) or whatever other quirky option fits their personalities. 

3. Boundary up! 
One of Bob's special tricks is the sneak attack. He comes over to your cube for an unannounced, unscheduled visit to discuss something that you don't currently have time to discuss. This is a dominating move that says, "My time is more important that yours" and "I need to have answers right now without giving you time to think, giving you little chance to succeed." He's standing and you're still sitting—thus continuing the power dynamic he's put in place. No time for a quick Power Posing session or even some jumping jacks before you step into the ring. The first thing you MUST do is stand up. With this body language, you begin to reclaim your power. Then, it's completely within your right to take a deep breath and say, "Bob, I'd like to give this the time it deserves and now is not that time. Let's schedule a meeting to discuss this so we can come together with some thoughtful solutions." This is just one example of the myriad of ways you can set boundaries with Bob. When you keep it professional and engage in interactions with him on your terms, you invite less of his antics into your working relationship. 

4. Don't take it personally, but seize the opportunity to learn
You didn't install Bob's buttons or program his behavior. If you take a step back, you'll quickly notice that you're not the only target. Take comfort in the realization that his choices are not about you. You're confident in your professionalism and your ability to build relationships. But—we can all do better, so use your relationship with Bob as an opportunity to upgrade how you're conducting yourself. What are you doing to invite his behavior or show that you will engage at his level? With tips 1-3, how can you stop escalating your interactions with Bob? How can you project the confidence that doesn't allow you to be one of Bob's many victims? 

5. Celebrate small wins
Just as you will have empathy for Bob in this process, have some compassion for yourself, as well. You're learning to advocate for yourself. This takes practice and won't happen overnight. When you stand up during a cube sneak attack or set up a brief in-person meeting after his explosive email (with 20 VIP players cc'd) instead of engaging in global thermo-email war—give yourself a mental high five! With each new confident action, you're building up a portfolio of boss-ness that will stack the evidence against your internal doubts and fears. 

While this approach is intended for colleagues and not bosses, the truth is—if Bob is your boss much of this still applies. Boundaries may be trickier because at the end of the day, you need to fall in line with the chain of command. That said, anyone who's had a great leader knows that they have the generosity and respect to find comfort and growth in a relationship with boundaries. More to the point, if Bob is your boss and you've tried many tools (including these) to up-level the relationship with little success, it's time to kick-start the search again. It's hard to do your best work and stay engaged in your role when you're constantly working against a toxic boss. Continue to learn from your experience with Bob while you're searching and keep energizing yourself so that you can nail those interviews and be the star you know you are (no matter what Bob says). 

We all have that friend or some of us have several. She found her calling AND she has the time to make Pinterest-inspired projects with her kids that don't go directly in the trash. He's received three promotions in three years and he just ran his fifth marathon. What the what? She became a career coach at the same time as you and she's already been on every podcast under the sun (all hypothetical, people!). 

When we begin to compare ourselves to these seemingly perfect people, we only see the good stuff. And with social media inundating us with updates every moment and in every direction, we can't escape these perfectly Instagram-able lives that frankly, make us want to call it a day. But you can't. And you won't. Not on my watch, friends!

Here are three ways I've helped clients kick the career comparisons habit in exchange for a life they're proud to be living. 

1. Recognize the perfection is perceived
I coach impressive, high achieving, polished humans—who have fears and flaws. This work has reminded me that no matter what your title is, where you went to school or how perfectly adjusted your child may seem in public—you inevitably have fears and flaws—they simply appear in different ways for different people. And when you see the social media posts that make you want to hurl, remember—you're seeing the visual version of that person's elevator pitch. They've packaged this nugget for you and thousands of followers with filters and multiple takes. These snaps are not their lives. They are mere moments in a mix of ups and downs that makes up a human life. In knowing this, I've grown my capacity for empathy and compassion for others that instantly removes the power of comparisons when they arise. It still takes reminding myself, because again—I'm human with fears and flaws—but with practice, I'm able to get myself out of that insecure, comparative place quicker than I ever thought was possible. 

2. Lead with curiosity
If you keep running into someone who seems like she's got it going on, the odds are that there's more to it than what you're seeing. Instead of stewing in comparisons, ask her how she got to where she is? Set up time with her for coffee or a drink so you can dig into hearing her story, the obstacles she's overcome, how she overcame those challenges and where she gets her support and inspiration. There's so much you can learn from this person who you've already admitted has something you want. The moment we turn the comparative energy into an opportunity to learn, we can get into action around creating the kind of lives we want—instead of scolding ourselves for what we don't have. 

3. You do you
You don't want what he has. Right now, you think you do, and I get that. Truly, you want what YOU want, but the trick is figuring out what that is! Often when I see people struggling with comparisons, it's because they haven't done the internal reflection or the experimenting to figure out what it is that they, themselves want for their careers or their lives. This can be a process where you accept a period of uncertainty and "not knowing" — and you may go through it several times in your life—but it's a critical piece of living a life where you feel authentically who you are. When you are living someone else's dream, whether it's safe or brings you a ton of cash or esteem—it will always feel hollow. But if you take risks and experiment with different paths only to stumble on one that feels right and then begin to gain momentum and connect with a part of you that you didn't know existed—take it from me—there's no better feeling. 

Now that you have this framework, when your next comparison arises, I challenge you to ask yourself, "How can I learn from this person?" Or "What can I do to better connect with what I want in MY life right now?" And even better, "How can I look at this person as human, with fears and flaws?" Notice how you begin to take back your power (and don't be so quick to give it up next time)! 

When the Sunday night stomach churn expands through the entire weekend. When you embody the "Yes Man or Woman" you've always despised, because having a point of view feels futile. When anger turns to hopelessness and you return home each day, a pile of mush—hungry for comfort food, Sauvignon Blanc, and your reality TV binge dujour. This is what it looks like when you feel trapped in your job. If you don't recognize this picture, you're one of the lucky (or self-aware) few! For the rest of us, at some point in our careers, we've numbed ourselves into believing we're in a no way out situation with a healing pint of Talenti Sea Salt Caramel and some nasty words about the people and the situation that brought us here. 

While it's true that external forces can create one of these career rock-bottom moments where we have a micro-managing boss, a colleague seemingly sabotaging our success or a workplace with endless hours and unrelenting deadlines, STAYING in that situation is a CHOICE Let me repeat this to make sure you get it. 

Staying in the situation, continuing to tell yourself and others that you're trapped—IS YOUR CHOICE. 

Here are 3 ways I work with clients to help them make the critical mindset shift that propels them out of their stuck situation. 

1. What are you getting out of being trapped? 
As human beings, we typically don't stay in a situation if we're not getting something out of it. You may be yelling at the screen right now. "What the f could I be getting out of this job? I hate it!" I get it, but if you had to think of one thing, what would it be? Often the answer is—permission to choose fear. Fear of rejection when applying for a new job. Fear that you won't find the money or the flexibility you have right now. Fear that none of your interview clothes fit. Fear that the next job will be even worse. Fear that you can't do anything else. These are all valid and understandable fears, but you are a smart and capable person who has conquered your fears before. Why are you letting them win now? 

2. Acknowledge you're in a TEMPORARY crap-tastic situation
When you tell yourself that you're trapped, you cut off the potential of seeing any new opportunities or ways out of it. And you continue to create your "trapped" situation. By acknowledging that this moment is temporary, you remove the world of pressure that comes from the proposition of facing an entire lifetime of this feeling. Instead, you can focus on getting through this moment on this day. There's beautiful wisdom in the recovery program mantra, "One day at a time." All you need to do is focus on right now. The relief you feel from this one practice, will allow you to look up again while you're walking through the world and see clues and possibilities for your next move that would never have been available to you. 

3. Channel your superpowers
By this time in your career, you've logged some significant successes. It may be hard to remember them in your current state, but dig deep. What's a career highlight that makes you beam with pride? What are the special qualities you have that helped you succeed? What are the things others would tell you are your strengths or your superpowers (because that's frankly more fun)? If you're not sure, go ask the people who have supported you in your career. While it may be hard for you to ask, I assure you, it will be easy for them to answer. Get this list of superhuman qualities together and write out a plan for how you're going to use each one to get yourself out of this temporary shit-show. When you have a plan, you are leveraging your strengths and taking action every day with a maniacal focus. It's only a matter of time until this sitch eats your dust!

So put down the Talenti and the remote control. You're done choosing fear, today. 

As a Career and Leadership Coach, I’ve heard every complaint about networking there is. That said, I’m open to hearing some new ones—so share’em if you’ve got’em! You may have said some of these before. 

“I’m so bad at it.”

“I don’t have time.” 

“It makes me feel fake.” 

“I’m in a transition, so I’ll sound flakey.” 

“I’m better with dogs than I am with people.”

“I don’t do small talk!” 

“I’m too old. Nobody wants to talk to me.”

“I’m too young. I have nothing to say.” 

“I JUST F’ING HATE IT!” (A classic)

Deep breathe, friends. There is a way to network so that you feel like you—AND you don’t have to add another job onto the two or three you already have. 

Here are my New Networking Rules: For People Who Hate Networking to get you out of your head:

1. Language Is Power. Swap Out The Word “Networking” for “Connecting”:
Yes, networking can sound fake, phony, sales-y [insert hate-able word here], but what’s wrong with connecting with new people, asking a lot of questions, learning about them, sharing what you’re up to and building a relationship? It feels different and like something you would do in your everyday life. You never know if this person will be your new running buddy, a contact to meet for lunch once a month, someone who inspires you to take a new step in your career, the woman who connects you with the hiring manager at the company you’ve been researching or someone you will never see again. All of these are possibilities and it’s up to you to find out which one it will be. 

2. Forget Networking Events, Connect Where You Are:
Birthday parties, swimming lessons, playgrounds, family brunches, drinks with friends who bring their friends, meeting in coffee shops—my weekends are filled with all of these things and guess what—they’re all opportunities for connecting. If you don’t have time to add in an evening networking event because you work late or you want to put the kids to bed—I get it! I’ve done some of my best connecting while my kids are otherwise engaged at birthday parties. The other parents are all thrilled to have something to talk about beyond the kids for a little while (and to excuse us from that next bouncy slide). I’ve also found that when people are out of the often-stifling environment of a corporate event, they let down their guard and are more open, interesting and interested in a lively conversation. 

3. It Can Be a Game—Tally Up Chances To Practice Your Elevator Pitch:
Whether you’re looking for a new job or working on becoming more of a leader in your current role, you need an elevator pitch. There are many great articles online with formulas that work. Here’s one on Idealist.org that I like. Also, if you’re in a career transition, here’s another post that will help you figure out how to put that into words while sounding confident. It’s important that you practice your pitch aloud. You do not want to sound like C3PO. Before you get into an interview or a meeting with senior leaders, I recommend spending some time testing out your pitch on people in your close-in circle. Feel free to start with your partner, your close friend or your dog (especially if that’s your comfort zone as explained in the networking complaints above). Then move on to the friends of friends at that 40th birthday party you promised you would go to, but don’t know anyone beyond the birthday girl. Can you wrack up one practice a day? Go! 

4. It’s Not About You:
If you’ve read the first three rules and still want to hurl, try setting an intention that’s not about you. Practice your listening skills. Ask unexpected questions. Think about ways to help this person who’s taking the time to connect with you. In our distracted world, many of our conversations don’t include this level of listening so this can be a powerful way to get started. 

You may have heard the stats—over 80% of jobs are found via networking connecting. This can be a game-changer for you now that you know how to do it in a way that feels authentic and not like you’re constantly trying to be a “closer!” (said with loving respect to all you authentic closers out there). You do you and see what happens in the process.

A few weeks ago, my life changed in an instant…again. My 78-year-old Aunt Marilyn had a massive stroke while talking to a friend on the phone and we’ve been in crisis mode ever since. Since the day I was born, Aunt Marilyn has been my biggest fan, my BFF and the consistent, empathetic voice that pulled me out of the depths after my parents’ sudden death 31 years ago. For as long as I can remember, Aunt Marilyn and I spoke on the phone nearly every day to exchange minute to minute updates of our lives and more recently to celebrate the hilarious things my daughters do and say. To quote the wise words of Shonda Rimes, “She’s my person.” 

While Aunt Marilyn is now fighting this out in rehab, the road will be long and hard for her, and the recovery will never bring her back to who she was. I’ve been thrust into a world of home and long-term care logistics of medical jargon requiring every hamster in my brain to run wheels at top speeds. A world where sticking your tongue out on command is considered a huge win. And amidst the swirl of logistics, there are the moments I stand still, take a breath and realize anew the gravity of losing her. It will catch me off-guard walking down the crowded Brooklyn streets, or at a school event among strangers. It will even get me when I open my closet door and think about the countless hours we’ve spent over the years organizing every family members’ belongings. “Everyone needs an Aunt Marilyn...” I would say, opening my daughter’s closets with pride for each friend who came into our home. 

As my childhood bestie put it, “Rach, this isn’t your first rodeo.” Anyone who knows me knows I’ve eaten a few shit sandwiches in my life. I know they say, it’s going to make me stronger, but I thought I was already really freaking strong! I’m strong enough, thanks! While it does help to have the hard evidence that I’ve come out the other end of these rock bottoms a stronger person—I’ve highlighted some of the ways I continue to move forward through it all in the hopes that I can help some of you who may be struggling with shit sandwiches of your very own. 

1. Focus on right now:
A crisis can be paralyzing. There are a multitude of decisions to be made—decisions that you may not feel qualified to make, potentially life and death decisions…for someone else. In order to make these decisions, I focus on the information that’s in front of me right now and not the ripple effect they will have for everyone’s future. If I catch myself catastrophizing or spiraling into the many potential negative outcomes of these events before I have the information in front of me—I give myself some tough love (or bring in my people who will do that for me). Those future-focused worries are not helpful for anyone and will not bring me any closer to coming out of the crisis. 

2. Write it all down:
One thing that helps me stay in the moment is to keep ongoing lists of what needs to happen and only prioritize the tasks for today or at most this week. During a crisis, you will only have room in your brain (that has dramatically downshifted in efficiency right now) for today—and that’s ok. We know this is not how you typically roll if you’re a Type A-ish person, like me. This time around, my husband and I created a Google doc and shared it with a few key family members so that we can all have access to the information we need and continue to update each other on progress. The shared document allows me to give up any hope that I will retain information as I normally would. If it’s not on the list, it doesn’t get done. 

3. Laugh:
This sounds counter intuitive, but I tend to notice the funny moments in each of these overwhelming days. Like when one of my uncles decided to play department store elevator operator on the crowded hospital elevator. Doors open, my Uncle says, “Women’s wear, lingerie.” All heads turn at once. Many unimpressed, some offended. Retelling these stories to the select few who get (and even adore) the dark humor I’ve developed over the years AND laughing together at the ridiculousness of life has kept me sane. Thank you to that inner circle who understand why I’ve needed a daily laugh even more than a daily cry. 

4. Make your health a top priority:
Right now, I want to eat ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner, but I'm not. I know I'm a critical player on this team and I must put my health first! Our tendency is to think about our own needs last given everything that’s currently at stake. This is not an approach that will get me through the long haul. I’ve been religious about my immunity boosting supplements, my mostly clean eating, my exercise (more about this in #5) and taking even a few quiet minutes to myself. I can’t tell you how grateful I am for feeling strong every morning when I wake, knowing all I must accomplish. It makes me re-double efforts (save a glass of wine or piece of chocolate here and there. I mean, I’m human!). 

5. Do the things that make you feel like you:
The first four days I was in the hospital, non-stop. I was with family 24/7, talking, processing, making sure everyone else was ok and safe and had all the information they needed for the decisions in front of us. On the fifth day, I went for a 4 mile run in Prospect Park with a close friend in the morning. That run, that chat, that fresh air, that park I love—it was bliss. It was a reset button for me as is writing this piece right now. As I write, I’m getting calls from social workers and nurses and emails from home health care agencies—and after each one, I come back for more of my medicine which is writing and connecting with you. As crazy as it sounds, these things that bring me joy also give me the touchstones I need to know I'm going to be ok at the other end of this thing. 

6. Get support:
I have the best people in my life. Family, friends (old and new), neighbors—EVERYONE has kept us afloat. I’m grateful beyond words. I’ve reached out to all my people to talk, laugh, cry, get referrals and information, entertain and care for our children when we need to be at the hospital. I am so lucky to have this support network to help me get through this. I’ve realized that reaching out to your people—even when it’s hard to ask for help—is an essential part to getting through a crisis in tact. I don’t have to be a one-woman army. That’s a sure-fire way to burn myself out. And if at some point I feel like I need the help of an un-biased professional, a therapist is always a good option, as well. I’ve done this after various crises in my life—starting when I lost my parents at age 11. It set the stage for me to be able to accept professional support when I needed it and internalize the strategies I learned to use on my own, as well. 

7. Don’t expect perfection:
As I write this I’m squashing a voice in my head that’s telling me I’m taking too long to write this and it’s not the epic piece I wanted to write about this epic situation. I’m often catching my clients and myself in the desire for perfection. It’s unattainable on a good day, so right now, it’s out of the question! The interesting part about a crisis is that it’s quite a good time to practice dropping perfectionism in your life. It’s a time when priorities come into view and all of a sudden the stain on your five year old’s dress doesn’t seem to match up with whether or not your aunt will be able to swallow food ongoing. One of these things is not like the other. And by making the choice to not focus on the trivial details, I can create the muscle memory that I will continue to recall post-crisis.

8. Practice gratitude:
This has been a no-brainer for me, but it’s worth mentioning. At the end of a long day of watching my aunt struggle and my uncle heartbroken over seeing her this way, I’m eternally grateful for much in my life. For my husband who is my partner in all of this, for his health and his ability to put his arms around me to make me know it’s going to be ok. I savor the moment I can snuggle in bed with my five year old and watch her figure out how to read with all consuming pride. And hearing my eight year old have legitimate and interesting conversations with all of our friends and neighbors like she’s eight going on forty. These are the reminders of the joy life is capable of providing, even in the face of struggle and sickness and uncertainty. 

There was once a time when I would have carried a lot of shame around the fact that I’ve been through enough crises to create a framework around managing them. But, now I know it’s one of those things that draws people to me, that makes them want to put me on their short list of people to call when they’re in it. I take those calls with a calm presence and an empathy that lets my people know—you’re going to make it through. I believe in you. And they do make it. Now they have the chance to use what they’ve learned to help me make it too—and I couldn’t be more grateful.
 

At one of my previous employers, there was a mantra drilled into our marketing minds with relentless vigor. If followed, it was your key to success. If ignored, you were ignored. 

“It’s all about relationships.” 

I heard it so often, it was the punch line of many sarcastic workday jokes, but down to my core, it stuck. I drank the Kool-Aid and I’m so glad I did. A maniacal focus on building and nurturing relationships has driven my approach to managing my career and developing my business. It continues to give me the momentum I seek—and provide my greatest reward—strong, fulfilling connections that fuel me. 

Here are my four relationship reminders that work for both people who excel at creating new connections and for those who wish it wasn’t part of the job. 

1) When you click, take a risk:
You know those moments when you meet someone at an event and your banter is unfolding like a comedy routine you didn’t even know you were a part of? The energy, the interest and the curiosity to know more—they’re firing on all cylinders. And then you leave, only to never see this person again. What a missed opportunity! Even if your gut is telling you to play it safe, that it will be awkward to reach out to this near stranger—take the risk to ask for his or her card and then follow up! You never know how your life or your career will be enriched by this person. And even if you simply have one or two more conversations like this one…isn’t it worth it?

2) Listen more than you talk:
This is a gem that bears repeating and is something I’m personally working on right now. When you hypothetically see an ENT after four bouts of laryngitis, a scope goes up your nose and down your throat and you’re given the diagnosis, “voice overuse”, it’s something you start to think about. For frequent talkers like me, deep listening is a skill to be practiced and honed. As my listening muscles have developed as part of my coaching experience—I’m continually amazed at what can be understood from that which is unsaid. In a world of incessant talking, people crave being heard and understood. It is something that will transform your relationships if you give it the time and space it deserves. 

3) Let your guard down:
While you can start off conversations in your safe zones—areas you know you’ll have a connection (ie. meetings, coworkers, projects, your kids that are the same age), push yourself to go deeper and off-script. It’s not necessary to share your deepest and darkest—but—asking questions about how people met their significant other or where they were raised generally takes the conversation to a more vulnerable place. You can talk about something you’re still trying to figure out with your child or your work or where you want to go in your career in general. Admitting you don’t know it all is honest and authentic and real. That’s what’s interesting to others and makes people want to know more about you. It will drive a deeper connection because people can relate to that feeling of “not knowing.” They may even be feeling it right now. 

4) Think human, not hierarchy:
When you’re at drinks after work and talking with someone who is more senior than you, often times you may get nervous and feel like you’re stumbling on your words. Your inner critic may be having a simultaneous conversation that is so loud, you can’t even hear yourself think! “You’re blowing this! Don’t even try. Just. Stop. Talking!” I beg of you. Don’t listen to her. She wants to keep you where you are. She doesn’t realize that you said you were going to build strong relationships in 2017. Or she does and she’s there to stop it from happening. Instead, think of this person as human, flawed with quirks that make him or her interesting. Try to talk about things outside of work: family, vacation plans, podcasts you listened to in the past week, your French Bulldog fascination—get outside the realm where you’re a Manager and he’s an SVP and simply be homo sapiens, enjoying a nice Malbec, some appetizers and interesting conversation. 

Building relationships is a dance you can learn. It’s not over for you if you feel like you haven’t been good at it up until now. There’s time to evolve your style and your skills—and it’s well worth the effort. 

Networking to find your next gig can feel overwhelming when you’re scrambling to fit in all the responsibilities of your current job, your family and those two 7 minute workouts a week (Thanks, New York Times!). After-work events can seem like an impossibility when you’re exhausted and desperate for a little QT with the TV at the end of the day. 

Enter our friend, LinkedIn. Imagine, networking in your PJ’s while binge-watching Billions. Yes, this can happen. And while this won’t be your entire strategy, it will help you gain momentum in your search so your in-person conversations can be fruitful and high impact. 

Its time to get tactical, friends! For you LinkedIn power users out there this may be a review, but I find many of my clients are just scratching the surface with how to use this critical tool. Here’s how we dig in and 10x their results with my 6 Ways To Leverage LinkedIn For Your Job Search.  

1. Explore Profiles Of Others With Roles You Had And Roles You Want
Before you commit to updating the language in your profile, do your research! Search some of the job titles you’ve had and learn how others are describing themselves and the keywords they use to brand their expertise. Do not plagiarize, but take notes on common themes that you may want to include in your profile. On the flip side, I find many of my clients are not clear on the kinds of roles they want for their next gig. Search roles that you’re curious about and notice if the descriptions in these profiles resonate with you, include expertise you have and skills you want to learn. 

2. Synch Up Your Resume and LinkedIn Profile
This is LinkedIn 101, but you would be amazed at the number of people who are not doing it! Take some of the building blocks from your resume like the summary, expertise bullets and bullets for each job and use them as a starting point for your LinkedIn Profile. Since you’re not working with the same length restrictions on LinkedIn, feel free to add more to your LinkedIn summary that would give it more personality and intrigue—beyond what’s in your resume. Make the dates between your resume and your LinkedIn profile match. Period. Hiring managers and recruiters are going to make this comparison so you should beat them to it! Include your education, certifications, interests, volunteer work, etc.—everything you can to fill out the picture of who you are. And speaking of pictures, you need one! Here’s a needle in a haystack task for you—find the one photo of you without your kids. If you don’t have one, recruit that friend who’s exploring her photography skills to snap one of you ASAP. 

3. Expand Your Network To 500+ Contacts
The larger your LinkedIn network, the more successful you’ll be with Step 4 that I’ll discuss in a moment. Four years ago, I created a game for myself to hit 500 contacts. I wasn’t sure why I was doing it at the time, but I’m so glad I did—and so are my clients who are able to make new connections through my expansive network! By making it a game, it was fun instead of a chore. And this is the perfect task to do while you’re winding down in the evening. Ideally, you should personalize each request, but if that’s dramatically slowing you down—the standard request is often overlooked so I wouldn’t get too stressed about sticking with it. Don’t limit yourself by only expanding your network with contacts in your city. People move around and they have global connections. Right now, your focus is on broadening your reach, regardless of location. 

4. Research Your Target Companies And Find Contacts 
I take a proactive approach to job searching by focusing on target companies rather than simply applying to job postings ad nauseam.  Once you’ve expanded your network, search your target companies, follow them on LinkedIn so you see their updates in your newsfeed. Then either within the search bar or on the company page, LinkedIn will allow you to see “people at this company.” You will see a list of people who either currently work at the company or have at one time. You can then narrow your search by checking the checkboxes for 1st and 2nd degree connections in the left margin of the page. If you have 1st degree connections to your dream company—congratulations—you’ve got the golden ticket. Reach out to this contact for an informational interview, even if there’s not a role currently available. If you only have 2nd degree connections, don’t fret! You can reach out to your 2nd degree contact and ask for an intro to his or her contact at the company. If you don’t have 1st or 2nd degree contacts, go back to step 3 and continue expanding your network. 

5. Get Active And Contribute Content In Your Area of Expertise (So meta!)
One way to get noticed on LinkedIn is to become an active participant in the community. The easiest way to do this is to like, comment on or share the articles in your newsfeed. Each time you do this, your profile is shown in the newsfeeds of ALL of your contacts. Way to get easy exposure, friends! If you have time to go a bit further, post other articles you find that fit with your expertise and your personal brand. And of course, the highest level of contribution is to create content for the LinkedIn community. While it can be time-consuming, it’s a great way to build out your brand, share your point of view and help in areas where you see gaps in skillsets and information. See you around the newsfeed!

6.  Ask For Endorsements
While asking for something from others can often be hard, it’s worth it. Reach out to colleagues past and present, with whom you’ve built meaningful relationships to ask them to share an endorsement for you. If the first few you reach out to are busy, don’t take it personally and connect with others on your list. These endorsements fill out your page with powerful nuggets about who you are, your personal brand and what it’s like to work with you. Hiring managers expect to see them on your profile and it can be a red flag if you don’t have any. 

Becoming a LinkedIn Ninja is the perfect way to jump-start your 2017 job search. Get your wheels turning, ideas firing and your network churning so that you land the right next job for you.