3 Things To Think About Before Sending Your Kid To College

Recently, I listened to an interview with Spike Lee where he talked about his childhood and college experience. After discussing his early love of poetry, theater and music, Lee asked his interviewer, Alec Baldwin, "Do you know who are the biggest killers of dreams?" Long pause. "Parents." Ouch—that one hurts! While my kids are a long way from college-age, consider that message officially received. 

I also see many parents encouraging their kids to dive into known, stable careers in order to protect them from struggle and lifelong hardships. It’s clear it comes from a place of love, through a lens of their own challenges making ends meet. By contrast, that was not Spike Lee’s experience. He was supported by his parents with acknowledgement, respect and prompting to go farther in his love of the arts—even when his parents didn’t know if it would offer him stability or a solid foundation for his future. This freedom planted the belief that it was possible to make something of his unique combination of creativity, passion and grit. 

Lee’s powerful advice strikes me as I watch my friends, colleagues and clients send their kids off to college this August. Here are 3 ideas to help you continue on the path of encouragement as you move one foot off the cliff: 

1. Their careers haven’t been invented yet
A former colleague and friend told me her son’s college addressed all of the parents with this statement on day one of parent’s weekend. It both blew me away and was absolutely true for my career. A year out of school, I fell into a new career as a "Web Producer." Being a Psychology major, I had no idea such a thing existed…because it didn’t. At the beginning of that career, I used to talk about my love for inventing my job every day. It was thrilling. If I had known it was impossible to predict the career path I would choose in school, I know for certain I would have been less stressed about choosing that exact right path and perfect major that would set me up for success. Instead, I switched my major five times and drew more from my elective classes (chosen for pure joy) in my career than from any of my multiple majors. 

2. Deeper self knowledge and awareness will give them an edge
In this climate of over-achievement where many kids in schools will get top grades, working hard is of course important, but high marks are not the end all, be all. A student’s ability to experiment and uncover passions and channel a curiosity to figure out what makes him or her different instead of the same will be key to breaking through the pack. By reflecting on values, strengths and passions early and often, students can learn a skill I emphasize in my work with mid-career professionals—authentic self-promotion. They will also have greater clarity in what opportunities to pursue—and even create! 

3. Relationships are paramount
It goes without saying, the knowledge gained on a variety of topics (dare I say, any) is an important component of college. That said—I will go out on a limb here with an opinion that—a focus on learning how to build professional relationships and the network of relationships built in school is as (if not more) important than the curriculum. The more your almost-adults know how to nurture relationships with fellow students, alumnae, professors, Career Center faculty—the more ideas he or she will be exposed to about possible career options and the wider the networking community to call on when he or she is ready to get out there. As someone with zero family career connections or capital, I learned early that to jumpstart my career, I needed to build relationships myself—and that practice helped me get up and running with a wide network that is still an area of my career bringing me the most support and pride. 

As a coach, I have the benefit of seeing the aggregate experiences of my clients’ college and career paths. I see clients thriving who went to city and state schools and schools with little to no name recognition. I see those who went to ivies and are struggling to get their careers off the ground (until we get them digging deep!). And then there are those whose college failures bare no resemblance to their professional success (so don’t worry there’s still hope if your student is not yet where you thought he/she would be). When you send them off to do their best, to learn about the world and themselves, remember that often it’s the life skills, the practice of being an independent, empathetic, resilient, flawed human that will prepare them the most for the paths that are theirs to create. 

When Your Kids See You Being Human

Last month I had a career highlight moment when I trained new candidates (mostly women!) running for public office on executive presence and personal leadership at an event in Pennsylvania. My husband and I decided to make a Philly family weekend out of it. While I worried how the unpredictability of 7 and 10 year olds would throw me off my game, my gut told me it was the right thing to do. 

So, after a fun Saturday at the Franklin Institute, as well as exploring some of Philly’s cute neighborhoods and kid-friendly eats, we set off to the Sunday event where I would be one of several speakers. During the car ride that morning, the kids were belting out Hamilton lyrics as they often do on longer rides and I could feel my heart pound double time as it does before I take the stage. I went quiet—and because I’m the mom who usually sings along (or stumbles along if we’re referring to Hamilton), my silence did not go unnoticed. The girls began firing questions at me and poking and prodding—anything to figure out where I was at that moment. 

I felt my resistance assume fighting stance.

My urge to hide my imperfection, my vulnerability and my fear was palpable. 

I wanted to be their cool, unshakeable, runs her own business, changing the world mom. Instead, I was afraid to stand in someone’s living room to share material I live and breathe every day with total strangers. 

"I’m ner-cited." I said quoting Jane, my ten-year old’s sentiments before her 4th grade chorus recital earlier this year. At the time I was blown away that at 10, she already knew nervous and excited feel exactly the same. It took me 40+ years to get there and I’m still reminding myself daily. With my admission came instant relief—for all of us. "Oh, ok Mom." Then without missing a beat, "I am not throwing away my shot!" 

In order to be their runs her own business, making the world a better place for them mom—I must show them that I’m often afraid to be that person—but I do it anyway. I go out there and I do it imperfectly because I’m a flawed human. Watching my humanity gives them the opportunity to be vulnerable and imperfect as they do the things in life that they simultaneously crave and fear. Though my aspiration is often to show them that model of perfection so they’re proud of me and our family—I know when I go beyond my ego and I let them catch me being who I truly am, I’m showing them it’s possible to be all of who they are. 

Later in that inspiring day, I stood in front of the room to connect with and support my audience. My 7-year-old, Roxanne, sat on a bar stool, legs dangling, quietly staring at me command a room of rapt learners. And Jane ran across the "stage" a couple of times mid-talk in only a bathing suit to grab sunscreen from her dad. Not ideal—but I worked it into a laugh or two. It was real. For the candidates, I was the coach who is also a mom that wanted her daughters to see what it looks like when women run for office. For my daughters, it was a peak into what mommy does all day and what’s possible when you’re doing something you love. And for me, the opportunity to feel the full support of the people I love while being a part of something core to my mission—even in those messy moments, especially in those messy moments—was true freedom. 
 

Me, For The Small Win

I have big goals. I want to help us get to gender parity in both the private and public sectors. I want to help working moms give up on perfectionism so they can be who they truly are and live meaningful lives. I want to run a successful business where I’m constantly learning and growing AND also making the money to create the kind of life I want to live. I want my kids to feel loved, supported and seen for who they are, while learning to work hard, take risks and have empathy for their fellow imperfect humans. 

Sometimes (actually most of the time) looking at that list is overwhelming—and I do this motivating stuff for a living. This is often the way my clients feel as well. They are hungry for a career change, a promotion, to start a new business—or some other huge transition, that all seem out there in the unreachable distance. 

In addition to breaking down the path to a big goal into small actions, we do something that I find to be one of the biggest motivators and predictors of success. 

We celebrate each and every small win. 

Celebrating the small wins:

1. Cultivates presence and gratitude. We must stand exactly where we are right now and know that we are exactly where we need to be instead of wishing ourselves into some future destination. 
2. Propels our momentum. We gain confidence in what we can accomplish and it jumpstarts our next actions. 
3. Chips away at our fear. Fear can come on with a vengeance when we’re doing something we haven’t done before. When moving through fear becomes part of our muscle memory with small wins, we become skilled at recognizing it and sidelining it in the moment. 

A few ways I recommend clients celebrate their small wins are:

1. Recruit an accountability buddy or group for you to report wins (with as many emojis as you like) on a regular basis. I have a group text with my Mastermind Group and we’re quite a supportive crew! 
2. Keep a brag list! Whether it’s in a designated section of your notebook, a note on your phone, or in Evernote, keep a running list of all of the small wins that spark pride. Remember, a small thing can make a big impact! 
3. Talk about your wins with your close-in circle and beyond. If you’re one of those people who cringe at the idea of self-promotion, get some practice with it by talking about your wins with people who support you. Notice the reactions you get and experiment with going beyond your comfortable circle. Self-promotion is a skill that’s worth nurturing if you want to progress in your career. 

Once you’re in the habit of celebrating and your wins are well documented, they can be used as the structure for company status meetings or performance reviews, or simply for your own confidence and validation. And if you want to blow your mind—take a look at a few of what you’re calling small wins and compare where you are now on progress to where you were a year ago. That’s one way to explode a small win into fanfare that tops your list! 

5 Reasons Blogs Are Still Good For Business

Many of my clients are in non-traditional careers. They’ve given up the 9-5 (or 9-8 as the case may be) for consulting or portfolio careers where they leverage their greatest strengths to deliver a menu of services to their ideal clients. They make their own hours. They define their suite of services. They set their rates. And yet what I often hear from them are the following questions:

Am I really an expert? 

Is this a business? 

Coming from a personal leadership perspective, my answer is often, "You can be and it can be, if that’s what you want. It’s your choice." 

One way I’ve wrestled with these questions in my own business is by creating my blog. Unlike more typical blogs of the Mommy, Tech or Travel variety, I’m not using ads, sponsorships, or connections with influencers (though if Oprah felt inclined to pick up one of my recent posts about her, A Thank You To My First Mentor, that would be lovely. There’s still time, Oprah!). The blog started as a way to compliment all the work I was doing—and truly as a marketing tool, but has grown to be so much more for both the business and for me personally. 

Here are 5 ways my blog contributes to both my personal and professional bottom line:

1. Make a bigger impact
My number one priority with the blog has always been and will always be—deliver value. Give people the tools and inspiration to think in a new way, pull themselves out of tough situations, and make choices in their lives. Not everyone has the time or money to experience 1:1 coaching and that’s why I love having the opportunity to give so much away for free. And when I hear from strangers that an article touched them or that they were able to build confidence to give up on stories that have been holding them back—I’m lit up. 

2. Creative flow time
When I first started writing, I used to hold two 3-hour time blocks per week for my writing time. With my busier practice and number of corporate workshops in the mix, I’ve brought that down to one time per week. And something remarkable happened. I long for that time throughout the week. I feel both staunchly protective of it and grateful for every moment I’m living it. It’s my time to put my pieces back together—to go inward, to be quiet, and to recharge. I need it to make all the other parts of my life make sense—so in essence, it’s the glue that keeps both the business and me intact.

3. Visibility for the business
The not so age-old tenants I learned as a digital marketer before becoming a coach have held true. With a consistent weekly cadence of content and a brand personality all my own, new clients and influencers in the field have started to pay attention to what I have to say. I’m in the conversation—even if it sometimes (to me) appears to be on the fringes. When a new potential client comes to me, they’ve often read a blog post or two, and our starting point is a level of familiarity I would have never expected. I explain very little about what I do. I’ve already explained it for the past 80 weeks in a row, so we’re aligned on what I can offer from moment one. 

4. New content for my coaching and programs
My articles have become my coaching curriculum! As most coaches know, when you start out, you’re hungry for a framework, worksheets and content to help move your clients along. I felt what was out there and available did not speak to my clients or me. I dance the line between snark and hope. I practice rebellious optimism. So, slow and steady I continue to build this need into my content plans. My wheels are always turning on how I can continue to best serve my clients with new exercises and thought starters that speak to their specific needs. And a content schedule is born. 

5. The first draft of the book
I was that 22-year-old who in an interview for a Publicity Assistant role answered the question, "How are your writing skills?" with "I’ve got a book in me!" For years I cringed thinking about that moment, but now it cracks me up. I did, and I do! The blog has brought me closer to that book than I ever thought I would be. In the next couple of years, I will surely mine the blog for the first pieces of the book that I will construct as a labor of love, most likely while crying in a coffee shop which is what it looks like when I’m writing my most popular personal posts. 

While it’s not perfect or bringing down the Squarespace servers with it’s over the top traffic numbers—my blog (which is also my newsletter, LinkedIn and Medium presence) is delivering on my business goals and helping me parse through my life goals. If you’re a consultant looking to expand, or an entrepreneur looking to launch a new product or business—it could be just the thing to help you build your audience and explore what they need and want, while defining your business and building your brand as an expert in your field. Remember, you define what success looks like for you. Bigger isn’t always better. Sometimes starting small and building slowly can be exactly what you need to develop your voice, find YOUR people and have fun in the process. As always, thanks for being my people. Your readership and ongoing support means the world to me.