Recently, I listened to an interview with Spike Lee where he talked about his childhood and college experience. After discussing his early love of poetry, theater and music, Lee asked his interviewer, Alec Baldwin, "Do you know who are the biggest killers of dreams?" Long pause. "Parents." Ouch—that one hurts! While my kids are a long way from college-age, consider that message officially received. 

I also see many parents encouraging their kids to dive into known, stable careers in order to protect them from struggle and lifelong hardships. It’s clear it comes from a place of love, through a lens of their own challenges making ends meet. By contrast, that was not Spike Lee’s experience. He was supported by his parents with acknowledgement, respect and prompting to go farther in his love of the arts—even when his parents didn’t know if it would offer him stability or a solid foundation for his future. This freedom planted the belief that it was possible to make something of his unique combination of creativity, passion and grit. 

Lee’s powerful advice strikes me as I watch my friends, colleagues and clients send their kids off to college this August. Here are 3 ideas to help you continue on the path of encouragement as you move one foot off the cliff: 

1. Their careers haven’t been invented yet
A former colleague and friend told me her son’s college addressed all of the parents with this statement on day one of parent’s weekend. It both blew me away and was absolutely true for my career. A year out of school, I fell into a new career as a "Web Producer." Being a Psychology major, I had no idea such a thing existed…because it didn’t. At the beginning of that career, I used to talk about my love for inventing my job every day. It was thrilling. If I had known it was impossible to predict the career path I would choose in school, I know for certain I would have been less stressed about choosing that exact right path and perfect major that would set me up for success. Instead, I switched my major five times and drew more from my elective classes (chosen for pure joy) in my career than from any of my multiple majors. 

2. Deeper self knowledge and awareness will give them an edge
In this climate of over-achievement where many kids in schools will get top grades, working hard is of course important, but high marks are not the end all, be all. A student’s ability to experiment and uncover passions and channel a curiosity to figure out what makes him or her different instead of the same will be key to breaking through the pack. By reflecting on values, strengths and passions early and often, students can learn a skill I emphasize in my work with mid-career professionals—authentic self-promotion. They will also have greater clarity in what opportunities to pursue—and even create! 

3. Relationships are paramount
It goes without saying, the knowledge gained on a variety of topics (dare I say, any) is an important component of college. That said—I will go out on a limb here with an opinion that—a focus on learning how to build professional relationships and the network of relationships built in school is as (if not more) important than the curriculum. The more your almost-adults know how to nurture relationships with fellow students, alumnae, professors, Career Center faculty—the more ideas he or she will be exposed to about possible career options and the wider the networking community to call on when he or she is ready to get out there. As someone with zero family career connections or capital, I learned early that to jumpstart my career, I needed to build relationships myself—and that practice helped me get up and running with a wide network that is still an area of my career bringing me the most support and pride. 

As a coach, I have the benefit of seeing the aggregate experiences of my clients’ college and career paths. I see clients thriving who went to city and state schools and schools with little to no name recognition. I see those who went to ivies and are struggling to get their careers off the ground (until we get them digging deep!). And then there are those whose college failures bare no resemblance to their professional success (so don’t worry there’s still hope if your student is not yet where you thought he/she would be). When you send them off to do their best, to learn about the world and themselves, remember that often it’s the life skills, the practice of being an independent, empathetic, resilient, flawed human that will prepare them the most for the paths that are theirs to create. 

Last month I had a career highlight moment when I trained new candidates (mostly women!) running for public office on executive presence and personal leadership at an event in Pennsylvania. My husband and I decided to make a Philly family weekend out of it. While I worried how the unpredictability of 7 and 10 year olds would throw me off my game, my gut told me it was the right thing to do. 

So, after a fun Saturday at the Franklin Institute, as well as exploring some of Philly’s cute neighborhoods and kid-friendly eats, we set off to the Sunday event where I would be one of several speakers. During the car ride that morning, the kids were belting out Hamilton lyrics as they often do on longer rides and I could feel my heart pound double time as it does before I take the stage. I went quiet—and because I’m the mom who usually sings along (or stumbles along if we’re referring to Hamilton), my silence did not go unnoticed. The girls began firing questions at me and poking and prodding—anything to figure out where I was at that moment. 

I felt my resistance assume fighting stance.

My urge to hide my imperfection, my vulnerability and my fear was palpable. 

I wanted to be their cool, unshakeable, runs her own business, changing the world mom. Instead, I was afraid to stand in someone’s living room to share material I live and breathe every day with total strangers. 

"I’m ner-cited." I said quoting Jane, my ten-year old’s sentiments before her 4th grade chorus recital earlier this year. At the time I was blown away that at 10, she already knew nervous and excited feel exactly the same. It took me 40+ years to get there and I’m still reminding myself daily. With my admission came instant relief—for all of us. "Oh, ok Mom." Then without missing a beat, "I am not throwing away my shot!" 

In order to be their runs her own business, making the world a better place for them mom—I must show them that I’m often afraid to be that person—but I do it anyway. I go out there and I do it imperfectly because I’m a flawed human. Watching my humanity gives them the opportunity to be vulnerable and imperfect as they do the things in life that they simultaneously crave and fear. Though my aspiration is often to show them that model of perfection so they’re proud of me and our family—I know when I go beyond my ego and I let them catch me being who I truly am, I’m showing them it’s possible to be all of who they are. 

Later in that inspiring day, I stood in front of the room to connect with and support my audience. My 7-year-old, Roxanne, sat on a bar stool, legs dangling, quietly staring at me command a room of rapt learners. And Jane ran across the "stage" a couple of times mid-talk in only a bathing suit to grab sunscreen from her dad. Not ideal—but I worked it into a laugh or two. It was real. For the candidates, I was the coach who is also a mom that wanted her daughters to see what it looks like when women run for office. For my daughters, it was a peak into what mommy does all day and what’s possible when you’re doing something you love. And for me, the opportunity to feel the full support of the people I love while being a part of something core to my mission—even in those messy moments, especially in those messy moments—was true freedom. 
 

I have big goals. I want to help us get to gender parity in both the private and public sectors. I want to help working moms give up on perfectionism so they can be who they truly are and live meaningful lives. I want to run a successful business where I’m constantly learning and growing AND also making the money to create the kind of life I want to live. I want my kids to feel loved, supported and seen for who they are, while learning to work hard, take risks and have empathy for their fellow imperfect humans. 

Sometimes (actually most of the time) looking at that list is overwhelming—and I do this motivating stuff for a living. This is often the way my clients feel as well. They are hungry for a career change, a promotion, to start a new business—or some other huge transition, that all seem out there in the unreachable distance. 

In addition to breaking down the path to a big goal into small actions, we do something that I find to be one of the biggest motivators and predictors of success. 

We celebrate each and every small win. 

Celebrating the small wins:

1. Cultivates presence and gratitude. We must stand exactly where we are right now and know that we are exactly where we need to be instead of wishing ourselves into some future destination. 
2. Propels our momentum. We gain confidence in what we can accomplish and it jumpstarts our next actions. 
3. Chips away at our fear. Fear can come on with a vengeance when we’re doing something we haven’t done before. When moving through fear becomes part of our muscle memory with small wins, we become skilled at recognizing it and sidelining it in the moment. 

A few ways I recommend clients celebrate their small wins are:

1. Recruit an accountability buddy or group for you to report wins (with as many emojis as you like) on a regular basis. I have a group text with my Mastermind Group and we’re quite a supportive crew! 
2. Keep a brag list! Whether it’s in a designated section of your notebook, a note on your phone, or in Evernote, keep a running list of all of the small wins that spark pride. Remember, a small thing can make a big impact! 
3. Talk about your wins with your close-in circle and beyond. If you’re one of those people who cringe at the idea of self-promotion, get some practice with it by talking about your wins with people who support you. Notice the reactions you get and experiment with going beyond your comfortable circle. Self-promotion is a skill that’s worth nurturing if you want to progress in your career. 

Once you’re in the habit of celebrating and your wins are well documented, they can be used as the structure for company status meetings or performance reviews, or simply for your own confidence and validation. And if you want to blow your mind—take a look at a few of what you’re calling small wins and compare where you are now on progress to where you were a year ago. That’s one way to explode a small win into fanfare that tops your list! 

Many of my clients are in non-traditional careers. They’ve given up the 9-5 (or 9-8 as the case may be) for consulting or portfolio careers where they leverage their greatest strengths to deliver a menu of services to their ideal clients. They make their own hours. They define their suite of services. They set their rates. And yet what I often hear from them are the following questions:

Am I really an expert? 

Is this a business? 

Coming from a personal leadership perspective, my answer is often, "You can be and it can be, if that’s what you want. It’s your choice." 

One way I’ve wrestled with these questions in my own business is by creating my blog. Unlike more typical blogs of the Mommy, Tech or Travel variety, I’m not using ads, sponsorships, or connections with influencers (though if Oprah felt inclined to pick up one of my recent posts about her, A Thank You To My First Mentor, that would be lovely. There’s still time, Oprah!). The blog started as a way to compliment all the work I was doing—and truly as a marketing tool, but has grown to be so much more for both the business and for me personally. 

Here are 5 ways my blog contributes to both my personal and professional bottom line:

1. Make a bigger impact
My number one priority with the blog has always been and will always be—deliver value. Give people the tools and inspiration to think in a new way, pull themselves out of tough situations, and make choices in their lives. Not everyone has the time or money to experience 1:1 coaching and that’s why I love having the opportunity to give so much away for free. And when I hear from strangers that an article touched them or that they were able to build confidence to give up on stories that have been holding them back—I’m lit up. 

2. Creative flow time
When I first started writing, I used to hold two 3-hour time blocks per week for my writing time. With my busier practice and number of corporate workshops in the mix, I’ve brought that down to one time per week. And something remarkable happened. I long for that time throughout the week. I feel both staunchly protective of it and grateful for every moment I’m living it. It’s my time to put my pieces back together—to go inward, to be quiet, and to recharge. I need it to make all the other parts of my life make sense—so in essence, it’s the glue that keeps both the business and me intact.

3. Visibility for the business
The not so age-old tenants I learned as a digital marketer before becoming a coach have held true. With a consistent weekly cadence of content and a brand personality all my own, new clients and influencers in the field have started to pay attention to what I have to say. I’m in the conversation—even if it sometimes (to me) appears to be on the fringes. When a new potential client comes to me, they’ve often read a blog post or two, and our starting point is a level of familiarity I would have never expected. I explain very little about what I do. I’ve already explained it for the past 80 weeks in a row, so we’re aligned on what I can offer from moment one. 

4. New content for my coaching and programs
My articles have become my coaching curriculum! As most coaches know, when you start out, you’re hungry for a framework, worksheets and content to help move your clients along. I felt what was out there and available did not speak to my clients or me. I dance the line between snark and hope. I practice rebellious optimism. So, slow and steady I continue to build this need into my content plans. My wheels are always turning on how I can continue to best serve my clients with new exercises and thought starters that speak to their specific needs. And a content schedule is born. 

5. The first draft of the book
I was that 22-year-old who in an interview for a Publicity Assistant role answered the question, "How are your writing skills?" with "I’ve got a book in me!" For years I cringed thinking about that moment, but now it cracks me up. I did, and I do! The blog has brought me closer to that book than I ever thought I would be. In the next couple of years, I will surely mine the blog for the first pieces of the book that I will construct as a labor of love, most likely while crying in a coffee shop which is what it looks like when I’m writing my most popular personal posts. 

While it’s not perfect or bringing down the Squarespace servers with it’s over the top traffic numbers—my blog (which is also my newsletter, LinkedIn and Medium presence) is delivering on my business goals and helping me parse through my life goals. If you’re a consultant looking to expand, or an entrepreneur looking to launch a new product or business—it could be just the thing to help you build your audience and explore what they need and want, while defining your business and building your brand as an expert in your field. Remember, you define what success looks like for you. Bigger isn’t always better. Sometimes starting small and building slowly can be exactly what you need to develop your voice, find YOUR people and have fun in the process. As always, thanks for being my people. Your readership and ongoing support means the world to me. 
 

Spring was busy. There were new career opportunities like doubling down on corporate workshops, exciting partnerships, and coaching to support causes that are important to me. Then there was a babysitter turnover that forced us to bring on our organizational A games. When your kid asks, "Who’s picking us up from school today?" and your response is to check the whiteboard, you know you’re in one day at a time working parent mode, using it as an opportunity to foster your child’s independence. Or when you’re standing in the park at your 7-year-olds birthday party holding a goodie bag for one of her close friends and you realize this kid never received an invite, you know you’re nailing this "ditch perfectionism" approach you talk about with your clients. 

In the busyness and the excitement and revolving door of babysitters, I let a few important days roll right by without much acknowledgement. The one-year mark of the passing of my Aunt Marilyn who raised me, the 32nd anniversary of my parents’ accident, and two days later, the two-year anniversary of my friend Dave’s passing from ALS. It’s become a three-week container that is either the emotional perfect storm or not. I never know which it’s going to be. And I do my best not to judge myself for either outcome. 

As things were beginning to slow down at the end of June, I found myself with a rare child-free Saturday (made possible by the most engaged and adoring grandparents my kids—and I—could ask for!). I did not work, clean, or organize the house, which were all things I could have done. I knew I needed time for me. Time to slow down. Time to connect with some of the losses I barely tended to in the past months. Time to address some of the thoughts and feelings that were bumping up against the walls of busyness I was putting up out of what seemed like necessity at the time. 

I exercised, had lunch with a close friend, and met up with a group of working moms who’ve also lost their mothers. They’ve been on my radar for a while, but I was always—you guessed it—too busy to connect with them. But on that day, wow, I found my people. To be able to talk about loss and grief as freely as you would about the kind of cereal your kid eats without having to worry if you’re freaking the fuck out of the person on the other end of the conversation was true freedom. It felt like I was finally able to speak my mother tongue after years of unsuccessful attempts. 

While I’m not in a crisis in dealing with all of my losses, it was critical to remind myself that tending to this part of me—my past and how it will impact my future is part of my self-care—as much or more than exercise, clean eating, or getting enough sleep. I must talk about this and hear others’ stories to connect on this deep hurt that for years made me feel like the weird one. Now as we say in my house, I know I’m "weird in a good way" and that I don’t need to go there with everyone. But when I can flow between healing and revealing my deepest broken-ness, laughing and crying with total strangers—shining optimism and still dropping my dark humor bombs that could only have been born of loss—I feel the most me.

The other night my neighbor’s kids, ages 7 and 10—the same age as mine—were over our place. The four kids decided to play RummiKub, which I recently purchased thinking it would be a great game to play during our summer vacation (and yes, I’m counting down the days). While I didn’t grow up in a Scrabble-loving family like many of my peers (and I have the abysmal Scrabble skills to prove it), RummiKub was a family past-time of ours when our bellies were full after huge Sunday bagel brunches. And the stories of my dad rearranging the entire board, only to be left with one red 8 that we needed to put it all back together for—were legendary in our home. 

So, when the kids began to play their game for the first time together, I put my arm on my husband’s shoulder, took in the idyllic scene and said, "This warms my heart." 

But within five minutes, voices got loud and angry. There was interrupting and eye rolling, and I jumped in to see what could have brought all of this on so quickly. 

As it turns out, there were two sets of rules under hot debate. When my kids put down a joker with two other 10’s, they were naming the color that joker was supposed to be, so that when there was a 10 of that color in hand, the joker could be used. My neighbors put down a joker with two 10’s, and in order to use that joker, both of the remaining 10’s needed to be in hand in order to make the swap. 

One of my daughters yelled, "Well, I’m not playing that way because it’s JUST NOT FUN!" 

And my other one suggested, "They’re our guests so maybe we should play their way this time." 

There was much reciting of the written instructions, which made no mention of this distinction. And Alexa proved useless this time around. 

They stood at an impasse for awhile, until they decided to just make another move and not address jokers in their close to bedtime, grumpy states. 

In the grand scheme of things, this tiny and insignificant rule in a game seems like it has no bearing on our lives. Yet for me, it shined a light on how many of these small, unsubstantiated rules we let govern our worlds, and how our reaction to the rules of others impacts our abilities to be in relationships with them. 

When everyone’s had a good night’s sleep and some space, we’ll inspire our kids to work out an agreement about how they can move forward playing a fun game they all love when they are working off a different set of rules—instead of deciding to never play that game again because their different set of rules makes them too different to find a solution. In this context, the latter approach may sound crazy, but I assure you 1) that’s often our gut instinct and 2) you can think of a moment in your career or your life where you chose to avoid the situation because of a small rule on which you couldn’t agree. 

Now more than ever, we are sorted in our own factions because of a multitude of rules we hold to be true that ladder up to identities. When I coach or train leaders, I work with them to question their assumptions and what they believe to be "rules" all day long. In order to live in a world where people hold different beliefs, we must learn to value those differences, seeing them as opportunities to learn more about humanity. Once we do, we can step out of judgment on the origin of those rules and into curiosity about how we work within a context of common ground that is enhanced by differences, not divided. 

The first half of last week, I fed my introverted side (which is a full 50% of me) with writing, new product development, and phone sessions. Translation: I barely left my house for three days. While I got a lot done, I felt hungry for some connection with other humans. When my kids came home, I found myself telling them about my day the way I would talk to a friend. While it’s always fun to share my work with my girls, defining dozens of words wasn’t exactly the kind of conversation I was going for in that moment. 

And then Thursday hit—the first of two days I was participating in an HR conference on behalf of Sayge, one of the coaching companies I work with. Built into day one was lunch, and a gathering for all Sayge coaches—twelve of us total—plus the founders. Beyond the delicious (and gluten-free!) lunch, I was well fed with all I needed. Collaboration. Curiosity. Inspiration from others doing it their own way, as well as acknowledgement of my hard work from a group of people I admire and respect. We all brought our own strengths and uniqueness to the fold, making the work much more vibrant, and the belly laughs that much harder to breathe through. 

At the end of day two, not only did we play a critical role in the conference—facilitating workshops that inspired new solutions to common HR problems—but we also walked away reminded that we have a posse of people who believe in us on this exciting and intense journey that is business ownership. That we have a community to hold us up and to make us better. By coming together and each bringing 100% collectively, we grew exponentially. 

Here are five ways I work with clients to cultivate community to boost their careers:

1. Join a mastermind group
For those of you unfamiliar with a mastermind group, it is a peer-to-peer mentoring group used to help members solve their problems with input and advice from the other group members. The concept was developed in 1925 by author Napoleon Hill in his book The Law of Success, and described in more detail in his 1937 book, Think and Grow Rich. I’ve been a part of one since September and it has pushed me and my business in ways I didn’t expect. Not only do I run some of my new product ideas and pricing by the group, but I also share wins and fears in an ongoing group text we call, “Mastermind Brilliance.” The accountability and support are unmatched. Thanks, MB team! You can start your own group for free or you can find someone in your field who may be running a robust group for a fee. 

2. Become a member of an association or industry networking group
For those of you in corporate or non-profit jobs, one way to find community out of your company is by joining an industry group that will offer networking and professional development, in addition to community. There are many groups, meetups, and industry associations out there, so what I would recommend is that you shop around to see the vibe that works for you and then go deep and commit to one group. Don’t overwhelm yourself with community—that goes against your very reasons for seeking it out in the first place! 

3. Pick up a part-time role with a larger organization
Just as I’m a part of Sayge as a part-time opportunity, if you’re currently a solo practitioner, consultant or have a flexible full-time role, and you have the bandwidth to add on another part-time role that has community baked into it—that could be a great way to go. With this approach, my clients often find the community and professional development parts of the role are even more valuable than the hourly rate. 

4. Volunteer for a cause about which you’re passionate
With this one, you can do double-duty. Oh, how I love efficiency. You know that cause you’ve been meaning to donate money to, but felt like you didn’t have the extra to spare? Donate time and get to know the employees and other volunteers. Build your community around the people who care as deeply as you do for the causes that are close to your heart. There’s nothing that connects people more than stepping outside of their own lives and giving together. 

5. Find a fitness group
Get your workout in AND find your people. Again, efficiency, I love it so. When I trained for the NYC Marathon with Team In Training, I met some of the best people Brooklyn had to offer as I learned how to push my body in ways I didn’t think possible. The wonderful part about finding your people around fitness is that they also know that while fitness is physical—it’s a mind game. They can hold you accountable to goals to push yourself beyond what you can do for your body. And then there’s the simple energy math. Regular exercise in your happy place with your buddies means more energy, ideas, and flow in your work. 

When we’re in our routines and on our own paths in isolation, that’s when we can get stuck. We are wired for connection—some of us more than others—so it’s important to experiment with the right balance for you. There’s no need to jump in head first and over commit to a community right away. You will grow to resent it. Dip in a toe, see how the water feels, and feel free to stay in the shallow end for awhile if that’s all you can add into your life right now. Notice how your community is impacting your results in your career and in your life—and if you’re anything like me, you’ll walk away from two energizing days with your peeps wearing a perma-grin and feeling gratitude with a capital g. 

My first experience consulting in my career was back in 2005 during what I've affectionately named, “The Summer of Rachel.” I was part of a large downsizing at my company, so I was about to enjoy three months of severance that fell squarely in the summer months before my September wedding (I know—this was quite a coup). At the same time, the new leadership at the company that laid me off needed my expertise to pull off a website refresh. They hired me back as a consultant to lead the project, and I negotiated a schedule that was in synch with wedding planning, interviewing for a new role, and enjoying everything The Summer of Rachel had to offer (which was mostly tooling around my neighborhood in pink pumas and sundresses). 

As someone who put in significant hours throughout my career to that point (most of them on-site), it was quite a moment to learn I could work in the office 3 days a week, name a competitive hourly rate, and continue to make a significant impact on the business—delivering quality work. I breathed in freedom, control, and gratitude for an in-demand expertise I cultivated over years of hard work. Throughout that summer, I felt truly alive in my career. While severance plus consulting rate had something to do with that—it wasn’t everything. I LOVED having agency over my choices, my schedule, and my priorities. That feeling prompted me to work even harder and more efficiently during my work hours AND get more done in my personal life. There were no idle hours for the sake of face time and that helped me realize my personal style of integrating life and work for maximum efficiency. 

While I did move on to another full-time role after that summer, I was certain I would be back to consulting life again in my career when the time was right. This experiment was proof that it was a possibility for me, giving me the flexibility and control needed if priorities shifted yet again. And that is just how it happened. When my older daughter was 6 months old, I left my full-time role and consulted for the next 8 years. I flexed between three and four days a week for the duration of those years, led a department, built a social media presence and several premium digital experiences, and most importantly, developed relationships that make me beyond proud of what I accomplished. 

There were times in the first few years I felt I put my career on hold or I was envious of friends who had what I often called, “The Big Job.” But somehow I knew, this was the right thing for me at the time. I felt like I could succeed in both work and family—and make a good living in less time. 

I see a growing number of women in my coaching practice who are on the consulting path as a way to stand by their career non-negotiables which are often things like freedom, control, flexibility, autonomy, creativity, or authenticity. And the trend with my clients matches up with what’s happening across the country. According to projections in the Freelancing in America Survey, released by the Freelancers Union and the freelance platform Upwork, “50.9% of the U.S. population will be freelancing by 2027 if a current uptick in freelancing continues at its current pace.”

For those who are considering consulting as a possible path, I work with them to think through the following:

1. What’s your vision for how you want your career to look? What are your non-negotiables for your next chapter? More on this in my post, The Career Contract You Make With Yourself.

2. What services could you offer that exist within the intersection of your passions and strengths?

3. What’s your financial picture? What do you need to bring in from your consultancy to contribute to your bottom line? Bring your accountant into this conversation for guidance!

4. Who in your network might be interested in these services? Make a LONG list of people to get you started.

5. How do you feel about hustling and selling your services? Consulting takes a resilience and relative comfort with rejection. If selling is already a strength or it’s something you’re committed to learning—this could be an option for you.

6. Where will you source your healthcare?

7. How can you experiment with taking on consulting projects while you’re still at a 9-5? This can sound daunting, but a time of experimentation with this new kind of life could be the very thing you need to figure out if it’s for you.

After doing your due diligence to figure out if this is a viable option for you, you may decide you can get your non-negotiables from a full-time gig. If so, I encourage you to have compassion for yourself. Be grateful that you’ve figured out what you truly want and be open to the package in which it shows up. 

For those of you who decided to consult at one point, thought it would be temporary, and 5 or 10 years later realized this isn’t a passing interest or need, this is THE thing you want to do, there’s always time to make your consultancy more of a thing or a business. I know this, because I’ve helped many of you do just that! You can polish up your website, have an elevator pitch ready to go, hone in on your “Why” for doing what you do, turn up the volume on your marketing—and go do the work you want to do, on your own terms.