One of my closest friends often teases me when it comes to making plans, "You say no a lot." I simply smile and agree whole-heartedly. Yes! Yes, I do say no. I do the mental math to avoid overbooking. On the weekend, if I’m struggling to make something fit in, I assume it won’t. If it feels like something I "should" do instead of something that I want to do, I politely decline. 

I wasn’t always this way. I was as crazed and addicted to busyness as most people I know. But all of sudden, I was having thoughts that I wanted to leave our beloved urban Brooklyn neighborhood for the suburbs. I wanted to take a summer off and spend time upstate. Those changes felt simultaneously overwhelming and necessary. At the time I was also making the switch from my corporate job to building my own business and as part of my transition, I revisited my values and the life I wanted to create for myself. And there it was. Peace had snuck in under the radar as one of my core values. 

It felt like too many changes at one time to leave my corporate job AND our neighborhood and family support, so I said to myself, "If peace and calm is so important to me, how do I bring it into the life I’m currently living? How can I add peace without making dramatic changes?" As it turns out, this was quite a fun exercise! 

I made a list of peace possibilities:

1. Add non-negotiable writing time into my week.

2. Decrease subway time.

3. Plan a vacation in February, the shortest but feels like the longest month.

4. Go to fewer crowded school events with a gazillion screaming kids—especially when my kids are not asking to go!

5. Take walks in the middle of the day.

6. Add buffer time into my schedule—as in not scheduling my day with back-to-back appointments.

7. Add more unstructured time into my life and less weekend overscheduling.

8. Set clear boundaries about when I can see people and when I can’t. Don’t say, "We should get together." if I don’t mean it.

9. Don’t apologize when I can’t see people. I’m either available or I’m not. No need to apologize.

10. Implementing my new possibilities was as liberating as making the list. When I would get an email from a fellow parent saying, "Will we see you at the Pajama and Pizza Party at the preschool?" I would simply say, "I’ve stopped going to those things." Instead I’d take a walk with the kids or take them to the park. Ah, peace—why have I not chosen you before?

Even beyond the overt ways I’ve diminished noise in my life with less commuting and crowded school events, the addition of clearer boundaries with plans and relationships has helped me to wipe out the mental noise that kept me from the peace I was desiring. I know I’m clear on my commitments and I don’t have a lot of maybes taking up valuable space in my head. In looking at this list now, I can say that of all the changes I’ve made in my life in the past 4 years, these were among the easiest to stick with and have made a tremendous impact on my happiness and wellbeing. Some people thrive in scheduled, busy lives. I’ve learned I’m not one of them—and I’m OK with that. It may mean that things move more slowly than I would have expected, or maybe it doesn’t. Either way, I’ll find out—and with my peace list in play, I’ll be much more fun to be around in the process.
 

I’m not the coach who will advise you to quit your day job to find your dream job. In fact, as a coach, I help you find your answers instead of advising anything based on my own experiences. I also help you mine the data of your life to discover options you didn’t know were possible. 

That said, there are many clients who come to me in a dark place. They’re in toxic work environments. They’re hunched, curled up in stress and panic-stricken—cortisol racing through their veins. If I owned a compassion blanket, I would swaddle them in it. Instead, I create a space where they can loosen the release valve, fall apart and reassemble themselves in a world where things are going to be OK. 

Because things are going to be OK. 

It may feel like this shit storm of a job and a life is your only choice. It’s not. You have options. 

With some clients, when they know they need to leave—they create an interim plan to help them get there. They set new boundaries in their role to create time and space to reflect on what they want. They network, they hone their stories and they make their search a priority WHILE they’re at their jobs. They may not be knocking it out of the park at work, but they’re doing well and what they need to do to get the job done. For some, this is possible and it’s a busy, but exciting path forward. 

For others, their paralysis takes up so much mental space and energy, even the smallest baby step feels like an exhausting marathon. The idea of looking for a job while they have a job sounds practical, but completely impossible. In the midst of a crisis of self-esteem and confidence, the exercise of listing strengths and passions feels more like a creative writing assignment than self-reflection. 

When I sit across from someone tangled in knots like this, we open an investigation. 

What would a reboot look like? Is a short break—or better yet, a sabbatical—to figure it all out possible? We brainstorm all the data points that need collecting so an informed decision can be made. 

Here are some of the questions we ask to go beyond the fear and emotion and get grounded in the facts. 

1. What are your monthly expenses?

2. Can you decrease your expenses for a period of time?

3. Do you have enough savings to take a short break? And if so, how long would it be?

4. If you don’t have the savings, is there a more temporary, flexible job you can take on for a period of time to create more space for you?

5. Given that we are in a time of streamlining organizations, is there a way to raise your hand for severance or a package at your company?

6. Do you have a temporary way to cover health insurance?

7. If you have a partner, are you and your partner on the same page about your break?

8. Do you have the emotional support of your family and friends?

9. What are your goals for your sabbatical?

10. What action will you take during your break to refuel and rebuild?

11. What do you want to learn on your break?

Then, they crunch the numbers. They map out the scenarios. They review their choices that are based in data and reality and not in fear. For some, that exercise may be enough to remove the anvil from their backs. Simply knowing there’s a way out if they need it, is a way to help them begin to move forward with their search while still in their jobs. And for those who decide to take the sabbatical, they show up in my office with wide smiles that glimmer—one part pride, one part disbelief and the rest knowing an entire world is theirs for the taking. 
 

Last weekend, my 10-year-old daughter and I snuggled on the couch and watched Hidden Figures. If you’re the one person left in the country who hasn’t seen it, the movie, based on the book by Margot Lee Shetterly, tells the story of the critical role female African American mathematicians played in the nation’s space program in the early 1960’s. In segregated Virginia, these women faced overwhelming discrimination—and yet they overcame relentless obstacles to advocate for themselves and their work. They took risks to make their voices heard. They had the foresight to think ten steps ahead of the white men in charge. And they had the loyalty to bring their colleagues and friends along in their journey. 

My eyes welled up as the opening credits rolled (at which point my daughter grabbed my hand) and I’ve been wearing my emotions outside of my skin ever since. The beautiful storytelling struck me at my core and reminded me—I’m exactly where I need to be in my career—supporting women to find their voices and their confidence, to become the leaders they want to be. And as the mother of two daughters, I’m driven to figure out a way to spark this confidence, determination and leadership in my girls early and often. 

As with any parent, I don’t always get it right, but here’s where I focus my energy when I feel like I’m killing it as Mom and Chief. 

1. Understand your past
I wouldn’t be where I am now, a business owner, a woman with a voice and the belief that gender equality will be a reality in my lifetime—without the millions of women who fought to get here. From the Suffragettes, to Coretta Scott King, to Gloria Steinem, to Margaret Sanger to Bell Hooks to Malala Yousafzai to countless others. We are standing on the shoulders of these powerful women and must deeply understand what they fought against and the successful tactics they used because these fights are not over. While we have made tremendous progress, these battles are in front of us yet again. For my daughters, that means I must provide their feminist education with inspiring and exciting books about our foremothers. It means, that both my husband and I plant seeds in conversations about how far we’ve come and the pride we have in that journey. 

2. Dream big
I’m grateful to have had parents and an extended family that told me I could be whatever I wanted to be. As a child of the 70’s, I danced around my room to Marlo Thomas’, "Free To Be You and Me" and man, did I take it seriously! And while I was unsuccessful in getting my girls interested in the classic album (sigh), they’ve internalized Marlo’s message because it’s in my DNA and in my every move in creating a business and forging my own path. We take our dreaming to the next level by visualizing what it looks like to actually achieve those goals, breaking them down into small steps. "Ok, you want to be a singer. Let’s sign you up for singing lessons or a chorus so you can see if it’s something you enjoy doing. People who become singers do both of these things." Even if my daughter doesn’t become a singer, she’s learning at 10-years old that you can break your big dreams into small steps and in taking those small steps, you can learn if this goal is the right one for you. 

3. Challenge the status quo
Our girls who are following all the rules and achieving high honors in school aren’t succeeding at the same rate in their professional lives. In her Huffington Post piece, "The Dark Side of Girls Success In School", Tara Mohr suggests that our "good girl", rule-following approach to girls’ school achievement is not the necessary skillset needed for career success. Mohr writes, "To blaze a trail, women and men need to know how to experiment with their ideas when they are messy and imperfect. They need an ability to take considered risks, challenge authority and respond to criticism with a thick skin." In parenting practice, you can imagine this approach can create quite a conundrum! If we teach our kids to challenge the rules, will they ever do what we ask them to do? And the answer is, maybe. You can begin to spark this conversation around hot parenting topics like bullying, peer pressure, honesty and doing what you believe is right even when people in authority are not. Yes, this may come back to you when you’re laying down the law—but parenting need not be a democracy. When homework needs to be finished and school must be attended to on time, opinions can be voiced and validated, but the parenting loophole of, "this must be done" can supersede all else. The trick is to provide your kids with the flexibility to practice taking risks in an environment where you can support them in the face of fears that arise. 

4. Be you and only you
Your daughter has a unique perspective and filter through which she sees the world. By helping her tap into her intuition, find her authentic voice and create ways to express it often even in the face of fears—she will continue to develop the type of confidence she needs to excel in her career. I began to understand this only about six years ago. After one of the larger presentations I gave to senior leaders as a digital marketer, I received the following feedback from my supervisor, "Your unscripted moments were far better than your scripted moments." In other words, when I was myself, trusting in what I knew—I was stronger and more confident in my work. While I often wish I’d learned this lesson earlier (which is why I incorporate it into my parenting), I’m glad I know it now and can bring that nugget into my preparation for any coaching session, workshop, keynote speech and relationship. 

While I have the same challenges of other working parents--getting the kids out the door in the morning for school, teaching my girls to choose kindness with each other instead of deploying an elbow—the moments when I see my 7-year-old use her brilliant comic timing to put a smile on our faces after a tough day or when my fourth grader turned business coach tells me not to offer my services for free—no matter what—I know something’s working. 
 

Often when my clients come to see me about a career transition, finding a new job or returning to work after a career break, they bring with them a long list of fears. Fears that have been holding them back from taking that first step in their search and fears that they use to pummel themselves when the optimistic thoughts about their careers roll in. 

"I’m worried I’m going to take a job where I’ll be on all the time and I won’t have time for my family." 

"I’m scared I’ll take a role where I’m doing the SAME thing I’ve been doing for 15 years and I’m dying for something different!" 

"What if I need to take a pay cut?"

The thing that they want the most—whether it’s flexibility, something new, more money—is typically the area they fear they will betray themselves. While we acknowledge what’s coming up for them and why—we also work together to say, "You know that thing you’re afraid you’re going to do? Let’s decide you’re simply not going to do that!" 

You can make a commitment to yourself that you will:

1. Identify your highest priorities for your search—and with dogged determination seek those things in every role for which you apply and in every company with whom you network.

2. Ask the right questions and talk to the right people to vet for the flexible culture you seek.

3. Know your numbers so that you’re solid on what salary you want to make.

4. Only pursue roles where you can grow and learn.

5. Refine and hone your story so you can build the bridge of how your past expertise translates to the needs of the new role.

In making this commitment, you’re recognizing that you may need to stay with a job you seriously dislike (I don’t use the "h" word) longer than if you took any job. Taking any job is one of the things you fear and, in most cases, you don’t need to do that. You’re being thoughtful about your next move. You’re focusing on what YOU want this time, and the freedom that brings will refuel you in those moments that bring you crashing down in your current situation. 

Now, let’s make it official. It’s one thing to make a promise in your head and it’s a whole other thing to put that sucker down in writing. I’m not saying it’s legally binding, but when you make a contract with yourself, you experience an entirely new level of accountability. 

Here’s how I work with clients to make a contract with themselves:

1. Identify your top 3 MUST HAVE needs for your next role.

2. Write a short contract that looks like the sample, below.

3. Sign it.

4. Hang it where you can see it daily.

5. Read it daily.

Sample Contract:

I, Rachel Garrett, on this 10th day of April in the year 2018, declare that I will make the following priorities in my job search. 

1. Flexibility
   I define flexibility as the ability to work from home one day per week. If that is not possible, it can also be that I am able to work from home "every so often" to go on a school trip, help when a child is sick, go to a doctor’s appointment or take care of a home task that can only be done in my presence. It means that I am valued in my role and that my employer understands that if I’m able to complete my life tasks, I will be more productive at work.

2. Salary
   Ideally, I want to make X and will not take a role for lower than Y.

3. A Competent Leader Who’s Not An Asshole
   An inspiring leader would be a dream come true, but I would also be happy with a competent leader who allows me to run my own program and be supportive when I need him/her to be. I promise myself that I will do all that I can to learn about my new leader before taking a role, whether it’s interviewing others on the team or trusting my gut when asshole red flags appear in the interview process.

With every opportunity, I commit to reviewing these three priorities to make sure they are present in that new role AND I also commit that I will NOT accept a role if these three variables are NOT present in the opportunity. 

__________________________
PRINT NAME

__________________________
SIGNATURE

__________________________
DATE

In my experience, the contract puts clients at ease by requiring them to get clear on their priorities for their search and in reminding them that it is possible to put their priorities first. Once you’ve put the contract in place for your career—the possibilities of where this approach can work are endless. Romantic partner contract anyone? For all of my type A’s out there, this is where you’re going to leverage your expertise in documentation and order to find what you really want in life. And for everyone else, getting your priorities out of your head and onto paper can make a huge impact in getting what you want. 

This past fall, a coaching group that I belong to asked me to create a two-minute video where the assignment was to introduce myself and then provide insight on a topic with tools and a strong point of view. My topic was perfectionism. Cue the foreshadowing. 

I’m quite comfortable writing a provocative and vulnerable blog post, then promptly sending it out to thousands of strangers.

I’m also at home speaking my truth in front of audiences of varying sizes. In fact, I’ve learned that it gives me an unparalleled adrenaline rush. 

And then there’s video. As a former digital marketing professional, I’m well aware that this is a critical channel for me to master to make a broader impact. My logical side also creates a beautiful equation that should be the fuel propelling me over my resistance. Video = written content + invisible audience. There, that explains it. Now, go! 

Cut to three hours later, and I’d written scripts that were taped to the wall above my computer. My eyes were darting about trying not to look like I was reading a script. I tossed my script—stopped and started a thousand times, then finally banged my head against the desk in despair. My entire body was rejecting this assignment. But why? 

During my 20th procrastination trip to the bathroom, I decided to take a long look at myself in the mirror. I wanted to scream, but instead I addressed my Inner Critic eye to eye. “Miller The Killer!” She’s so suitably named after my 3rd grade teacher, Ms. Miller, who seemed to thrive on my frequent tears. “Why are you holding me hostage today? Why don’t you think I can do this?” 

She was thorough. 

“Your voice sounds nasal.” 

“You don’t have anything new to say.” 

“They won’t like you.” 

“If you don’t speak perfectly, they’ll think you’re inarticulate.” 

“Just sit in your yoga pants and write your blog posts. With those you can edit and edit and edit…”

It went on and on until I landed my best mental DROPKICK. She was on the ground which gave me time enough to throw some choice words at her and then keep her down with my conviction. “You’re going through something. I get it. You don’t like this and you’re new to it so you’re not great at it yet. And that’s exactly the courageous place you’re going to start. It will NOT be perfect. It may not even be good, but it will be done, and you will have moved through this shit-storm of self-hate. Now show yourself some fucking compassion and let’s do this thing.” 

After my ceremonial ripping of the script, I wrote the word “compassion” on an index card and taped it above my laptop. I made sure Miller the Killer (MtK) was still limping in the corner and I gave her a look that kept her frozen in place. 

I pressed record. I thought about having fun, helping my favorite clients and how relatable imperfection can be. I stumbled a bit, but kept going. After one take, I decided I was done with this activity for the day. It was as good as it was going to get this time around and it was actually pretty good. MtK even gave me a silent nod. Until next time! 

Our inner critic—that voice in our head that tells us in the harshest of terms how inadequate we are—provides only one opinion. And that opinion is the one that channels our deepest fears, protecting us from anything we perceive to be dangerous—even digital video. As with everything else in our lives, it’s our choice whether or not we believe that voice. 

When you feel that paralyzing resistance before trying something you know you must do, try my dropkick approach:

1. Acknowledge the presence of your inner critic.

2. Give him or her a name that gives you a visual of who he/she is to you.

3. Give your inner critic a chance to voice the fears that he/she is feeling.

4. Now, do your best mental dropkick!

5. Choose a new way to look at your task at hand.

6. Stare your inner critic down once more right before moving forward.

7. Go for it!

8. Note how different it felt this time around.

It would be quite the trick to learn how to make your inner critic disappear for good. When you learn that one, please share! The good news is that when you become more aware of her, she begins to take long vacations. That said, she often decides to helicopter in at the precise moment you’re inches away from your goal. And if she does, don’t fret. You’ll be prepared to break out that well-practiced dropkick. Hi-yah!

Written by Guest Blogger, Ashley Rigby

One evening, shortly after finishing dinner, while sitting at the kitchen counter with my two young kids, my husband was doing the dishes across from us. 

"Ugh, I need a back massage", I whined.

To which my husband replied, "I’ll give you one later".

"What?!", blurted my 6-year-old daughter,

She continued, "Dad makes us dinner, cleans up after us, and next he’s going to give you a back massage?!"

I looked her straight in the face and simply said, "girl, build the castle in which you want to live". She didn’t say another word. 

I repeated the story to my Mother. She loved it, and shortly thereafter had a bracelet made for my 35th birthday with the inscription, "Build Your Castle". I’ve worn that bracelet every day since, and have had that mindset, all my life. With lots of support and help from others, I’ve built a successful career, friendships and family...wonderful, challenging and fulfilling works in progress. 

However, this past October, I found myself struggling. My "works" weren’t crumbling, but I wasn’t sure what I was building professionally. Why am I working this hard? Is this really what I should be doing for the rest of my life? Do I even like what I’m doing? I was lost. I was depressed. While on a business trip for professional development course required by my fabulous employer, I had mental meltdown. I knew I needed help. 

Rachel and I first met several years ago, while members of a local running club, just as she about to leave corporate America and launch her coaching business. I thought she was pretty amazing then, just as much as I do now. Although we only stayed in touch through social media, and hadn’t seen one another in years, I knew she would be a perfect starting place. 

We spoke over the phone at the airport, while en route home from the training and met in person shortly thereafter for coaching sessions. We talked it through. And I wrote about it. She questioned me and my thinking. Then, I hashed out. Over days. Over weeks. We made some connections. And dug a little deeper. Payed attention a little more. Our coaching sessions didn’t conclude with a concrete answer, but the overall understanding and belief that I need to spend more time doing what I love. 

My "aha" moment was when she reminded me that "it’s all in me". 

I am a connector. A networker. A hostess. A good friend and entertainer. I am a community builder. I wasn’t sure what that meant for my current or future career; all I knew is that needed to spend more time doing it. I was inspired. I was motivated. 
With that motivation, I registered my Sister and I for the NYC Girlboss Rally. We brainstormed ideas, hustles, blogs, businesses over lunch and hours-long professional headshot lines. We have five kids under the age of seven between the two of us, and could have stayed in that line for days without complaint, ‘cause we were lovin’ on our brains, our badassery and the fact that our kids were with our husbands for 12 uninterrupted hours (AMAZING!). 

I will remember that day forever. It was there, that Jam Program was born. Jam Program is a passion project, a side-hustle and a creative outlet for my Mom, my Sister and I. Our daughters are joining us for the ride, too. We left the rally with name ideas (luckily, my sister’s secret talent is naming things….kids, pets, parties, blogs, companies, etc.) and a loose understanding of the product, experience, service it would provide. 

We knew…
The focus would be multi-generational
The focus would be on girls and women
The focus would be on story-telling and sharing
The focus would be on connecting
The focus would be on supporting
The focus would be on doing
The experience would be unique 

Since December, we have hosted monthly networking Jamborees (in the homes of "Jamborettes") with over 100 participants dispersed between NYC and Connecticut. Our aim is to build multi-generational networks and communities in attempt to create a "modern village"; a place where we help one another, support one another, give, take, and swap skills, stories, struggles and hustles. 

Jam Program is only several months old but we’ve been having fun and working hard to build something deeply meaningful to us and hopefully, our communities. 

Ashley Rigby is Sales Manager for Herman Miller, Inc. a research-based, furniture manufacturer and has been a contributor to the architecture and design community for over 14 years. She is considered a subject-matter expert on learning space design and designing for the growth-mindset, sharing her research and thoughts on the topic at The New School, Fashion Institute of Technology, Cornell University, University of Michigan, University of Connecticut in addition to over 50 architecture and design firms. When she's not in the classroom for work, her kids or otherwise, she's exploring New York City with her family, throwing parties in their postage-stamp-sized backyard and doing way too much laundry. She is at her best when helping others cultivate a growth-mindset, develop diverse networks and inspiring personal and professional communities.

If you’re the only woman in the room, I see you. If you’re fresh off a promotion and feel paralyzed about your next step, I’ve been in your shoes. If you know you must give intense feedback to a member of your team, but you keep avoiding him, there’s a way through this. If you’re the one senior leader on your team without an advanced degree, your knowledge base may feel oh so small compared to everyone else (but remember so is your debt!). 

These are the moments we feel the insidious impostor syndrome that tells us, 

"I don’t know what the F I’m doing." 

"I should have partied less in college." 

"I don’t belong here." 

Our desire to belong in a room, on a team, at a company, in a family is core to who we are, and yet we confuse belonging with fitting it. In her latest book, Braving the Wilderness and in an article for Oprah.com, my spirit guide, Brené Brown, digs into the difference between these two concepts. 

"Belonging is not fitting in. In fact, fitting in is the greatest barrier to belonging. Fitting in, I've discovered during the past decade of research, is assessing situations and groups of people, then twisting yourself into a human pretzel in order to get them to let you hang out with them. Belonging is something else entirely—it's showing up and letting yourself be seen and known as you really are—love of gourd painting, intense fear of public speaking and all." 

So, if the impostor syndrome that plagues us is simply a mask for our desire to belong, and our path to belonging is allowing ourselves to be seen as who we truly are, then our task here is straight forward. We must uncover who we are and translate that into the leaders we want to be. Here’s how I work with clients to create a Leadership Statement to do just that. 

1. Define your values
Choose 5 core values that guide your life. If you’re struggling to come up with 5, a simple Google search will provide you some lists of values you can use as a starting point. My values: Courage, Connection, Inspiration, Peace, Fun.

2. Identify your strengths
What are your superpowers? For what do people naturally seek you out? Choose 3-5 strengths—and if you’re in a place right now where it feels like you don’t do anything well—ask 5 people what they see as your strengths. I find these responses both eye opening and validating! My strengths: Motivating others, Storytelling, Connecting people and companies and pets and…

3. Crystalize your Why
Why do you wake up in the morning? What makes you tick? Who do you want to serve? What problem do you want to solve in the world? If you don’t have this nailed down, go to Simon Sinek’s popular TED Talk for inspiration and clarity. My why: Get more women into positions of power. 

4. Put it all together
Now, throw it at the wall and make it stick together. Don’t worry about using every word that came up in the process. You need not be too literal here. 

As a storyteller, connector and motivator, I’m driven by my courage to seek inspiration in all people and to help them become the best versions of themselves. Fueled by words and transformations, I rise each morning to make a more equal world for my two daughters, by amplifying women’s voices and getting more women into positions of power. 

5. Practice
Before that big meeting, critical presentation, negative feedback session, wedding toast—read your statement. Remind yourself of who you are. Be THAT person, unapologetically. 

Once you decide to stop trying to be John who kills every presentation with his hilarious stories or Anna who wow’s the audience with her meticulous data and research—incredible things begin to happen. You begin to lean into what you do best. And people will notice. They will see how comfortable you are in your skin or they will think you look great, but won’t know why. This is what it’s like to truly do you. It’s self-acceptance. It’s belonging. And while impostor syndrome will never completely go away, your access to your true self will always be your path to conquering it. 

If you’d like some extra support in overcoming your imposter syndrome and taking the reins in your career, reach out to schedule a complimentary Clarity Call with me at rachelbgarrett.com/coaching

One beautiful spring day last year, I met up with another coach for a chat in Union Square Park over lattes. She’d been in business five years longer than me, and we began talking through our corporate workshop and training options. I was floored, relieved and grateful when she broke down her costs for a 2-hour workshop, a full day training and multiple day training programs. 

That sunny conversation sparked me to continue to go beyond my learned discomfort with talking through the details of rates and costs, and forge forward with those challenging conversations with other practitioners I trust and respect. Armed with the knowledge of my market value and where I uniquely fit into the spectrum of my clients’ needs, I can now approach my clients fully prepared, confident and ready to help them visualize the ways in which we can work together to change the lives of their employees. 

In my work with individuals interviewing for new roles or on the cusp of a promotion—the value of these candid conversations is immeasurable. 

You must do your research before negotiating. We’re in an environment where companies are committing to gender pay parity. Your most recent salary is NOT the most important variable in this equation. In fact, some states including, New York State, have made it illegal to ask about salary history in your interview process for this very reason. 

Here are the ways you can do your research before you have the conversation about your salary or raise. 

1. Talk to friends and colleagues
When I bring this up, many clients say, “I could NEVER do that.” If you want to make more money and take a leap toward your financial independence, I highly recommend you get over it and learn how to reframe your question with both your male and female friends. You can tell your friend, the following:

“I have a feeling I might be underpaid at my company and I’m asking around to get a range of what other firms would be paying someone at my level.”

“As part of the current conversation about helping women get to pay parity, one step is for us to be transparent with each other about our salary ranges so that we can arm each other with our market value and support each other in being paid what we’re worth.” 

2. Reach out to recruiters in your industry
Connect with some recruiters in your field and if possible cultivate relationships with them. Reach out to them and ask for salary ranges for specific titles/roles at companies of a specific size. Salaries for Product Manager roles will obviously be different at startups than at companies like Google, so be clear about the size of the firm you’re targeting in your research. 

3. Online research
This is typically the only tactic clients take in doing salary research and while I think it’s important, these websites should not be your only sources. Here are some of the sites I like best:

a. Glassdoor.com
b. Salary.com
c. Payscale.com
d. Comparably.com
e. Fairygodboss.com

As you practice talking about money with your close-in circle, you will gain a fluency and deeper comfort that will empower you to engage in important organizational conversations in order to take the salary jumps you desire in your career. If you feel truly stuck and unwilling to have these conversations, I encourage you to begin some deeper reflection on how your stories and beliefs about money may be holding you back. Wonderful resources on this subject are the books, Money: A Love Story (Kate Northrup) and Overcoming Underearning (Barbara Stanny). You have the ability to re-channel the power that money has over you into a power that can work for you. As women striving toward parity, this is our part of the work that needs to be done to get there.