When I coach job search and career transition clients, they define their non-negotiables for their next roles. Nine times out of ten, a top variable is: a leader who supports me. We then clarify what that means to them. 

It often sounds like someone who:

1. Pushes them beyond what they believe are their capabilities. 
2. Offers visibility with senior leaders and a chance to shine for their own work. 
3. Backs them up when they are taking unpopular points of view. 
4. Allows them space to take risks and to make mistakes. 
5. Truly listens to their needs for flexibility and does their best to advocate for those parameters. 
6. Thinks about them and nurtures them as whole people with long careers, rather than just employees fulfilling on current needs and projects. 

It’s no mystery why this need comes up as one of the most important desires in a new role. When you don’t have the support of your boss, your job can be hard in ways that have nothing to do with the content or tasks of your actual role. It can range from annoying to the dreaded…unbearable. 

When you’re in this situation and do not yet have an exit plan that is signed, sealed and delivered, there are several strategies that can help to get you through it:

1. Own up to your part in the relationship
Like it or not, this is not all about your manager. Who are you being in the face of these challenges? Is this situation bringing out a side of you that you don’t like or respect? It makes sense that you would act this way under stress, but when you note your behavior and own up to it—even if it’s simply to yourself, you can begin to learn how to handle this difficult time with strength, resilience and confidence. 

2. Find other advocates in the organization
Your direct manager is not the only one who can offer you support in your role. Who are the other leaders with whom you’ve worked on projects and those who have championed your work in the past? Meet with them, take them out for coffee, stay positive and be clear on how they may be able to help. Perhaps they can offer you opportunities to work on projects with their teams, make introductions for new roles or give you feedback that may be able to provide a path to a more effective relationship with your manager. 

3. Contain it
If you feel awful in the moments you have contact with your unsupportive boss, why would you extend the time period you feel that pain ten-fold by talking about your boss and his or her actions—All. Day. Long. Shut it down. Venting is not helping you feel better and it’s not helping anyone else help you. Your continued focus on this other person and what he or she is doing to you and your career is the equivalent of you handing over your power on a silver platter. I will remind you of one of my coaching mantras: The person responsible for your career is you. 

4. Prioritize energy and forward movement
If you have decided that the only way out of this toxic environment is to leave your role or your organization, focus your energy there. If you spend all of your hours outside of the office either rehashing the things that drove you bananas during the day or working your butt off on tasks that are not mission critical in an effort to get in your leader’s good graces, you will have no time to focus on your search or the networking conversations that will bring you momentum. Do a truly good job in your role, but evaluate whether now is the time to take on extra volunteer office work or committees. Make the space for you to focus on your priority. The more traction you get in your search, the more power and confidence you will feel in the relationship with your manager—which will inevitably change the dynamic. 

If you feel guilt about the relationship not working or leaving because of it—that is absolutely normal and expected. Know that you can always reframe the scenario when you lead with your curiosity. What can I learn from this moment and this person? How might everyone involved—including me—be better off if I moved on? If you’ve analyzed your role in this relationship, then you also know that this challenge is not all about you either—it is about a bad fit. Reminding yourself of this message often will be critical to your moving forward with confidence, knowing that you did all you could do. Your talents will be supported elsewhere by a leader who sees you for who you are and is energized by what you can create, together. 

A few weeks ago, I was cozying up with our seven-year-old on the couch and without warning she blurted out, “I really wish women could propose to men.”

“They can! They do! And women propose to other women. And some people decide to simply be in love and not get married at all.” I sharply responded, my feet firmly planted on my soapbox. But as the words left my mouth, I was already in a well of shame. How does she not know this is possible? And why at her age is she focused on proposals? What an antiquated custom for my modern daughter to be pondering on a Saturday afternoon. While I would love to blame Fuller House, I scolded myself. Bad feminist mom!

As I emerged from my spiral, I decided to use this cringe-worthy moment as a way to dive into it with her. “What brought this up for you?”

“Well, I don’t want to wait around for someone to propose to me. I just want to do it myself.”

Phew. All is not lost. She’s questioning a custom I thought was law growing up and actively participated in as part of my own rite of passage.

It reminds me of how far I’ve come in the past 15 years—and also brings to light the nuanced approach to parenting one must take when the landmines that live within our own muscle memory are reinforced by all of the media and messages around us.

It’s why—in our home—we talk about bodies being strong and healthy and capable of impressive swimming and soccer feats.

It’s why I am always kind and positive about my own body in front of the girls which has offered a wonderful side-benefit of taking in those messages and believing them. In the process, I have healed years of body shame passed down by multiple generations of the women in my family.

It’s why I held my tongue in criticizing women not wearing makeup on the red carpet when watching the Academy Awards with my daughters. My gut instinct was to go there. The years of beauty programming and messaging are in me at a cellular level, but my girls are helping me notice the hypocrisy in those moments.

It’s why my husband does most of the cooking and I handle the finances—even though I initially handed over all financial responsibility to him when we got married. I wanted somebody to save me from dealing with something this hard, something our culture deems out of my realm and I finally realized that I was that person.

It’s why I don’t tell my girls, “You can be anything you want to be.” as I was told. That was not true then and it is not a foregone conclusion now. I tweak the message to acknowledge our reality. “I hope you can be anything you want to be, and we will fight together to bring down the barriers and the customs that diminish our power—and the biases even we ourselves have accepted as truth—to improve your odds.”

I’m learning that in order to be the feminist parent I want to be, I must have compassion for myself as I challenge the biases I carry with me. I can model my questioning for my daughters who will also inevitably internalize many of the biases of our culture. My hope for them is that they will also have the confidence to challenge gender norms and what’s possible for us—while our culture makes incremental shifts toward a bigger change.

When I started my coaching practice, I was juggling: a digital marketing role, coach training, building out the infrastructure for the business and—oh yeah—being a mom to seven and four-year-old daughters. When experts told me I needed to network in order to get my business up and running, my head sank in despair.

When am I going to find time to do that?

How will I go to events and coffees and lunches and drinks?

Is this the wrong time for me to be doing this?

Knowing that adding two to three events per week was most likely out of scope for my life at that moment, I decided to run an experiment. I naturally see a lot of people throughout my day. School drop-off, kids’ birthday parties on the weekends, extended family gatherings, the line at the local coffee shop—these were all opportunities to talk about the business and I was letting them pass me by.

I adopted a new mantra: Network where you are.

And to this day, while it did not come easily at first, I credit it as THE tactic that officially launched my company. Sure, the website, social media presence and successful client experiences helped, but it was the practice of sharing my message and my mission with a multitude of people, and being clear about ways they could support me that drove my referrals, connections and momentum.

With my clients who are busy working parents in the midst of career transitions or job searches, we use the same approach and see remarkable success in gaining traction and landing the right jobs for them. Here’s how they do it:

1. Get clear on your elevator pitch. Here’s another blog post where I provide an elevator pitch formula. For those in career transitions, here’s a variation on that pitch framework.

2. When you’re in a conversation with someone who shows up in your natural daily path, play this game: how seamlessly can I plant a seed about my job search into the conversation? Practice new and different ways to bring up the topic to keep it both fresh and interesting for you and your audience.

3. Remember, it’s about practice—not perfection. The more you speak your pitch out loud (without dying), the better you will get at delivering it—tailoring it to each new audience and owning it. You will stumble. You will lose your way. Learn from those moments instead of beating yourself up about them.

4. Use these conversations as a way to learn about the work others are passionate about, their roles and what’s possible out there outside of being a lawyer, a doctor, an engineer, etc. Lead with your curiosity so you can expand your understanding of what a potential path could look like for you.

As you walk through your life increasing the frequency of your pitch conversations, you will go through a period of battling "the ick factor." It will feel awkward or salesy or fake or whatever label for fear that resonates with you. But make no mistake—fear is what it is. It’s the fear that you will forget how to string sentences together in that moment. That you’re an impostor. It’s the fear that you will get what you want and fail at it. Know that on the other side of that fear is the ability to control your message so that you can take charge of your career and your life. This skill you’re practicing for a job search right now will eventually translate into authentic self-promotion in your future roles and organizations. And at the heart of these conversations, there is a pride in what you do, a hunger for what you want to learn and a passion for the problems in the world you want to solve. If that’s not the conversation you’re having, that may be part of why this is so hard for you. If it is, step out of your own way and go forth in finding your collaborators, wherever you are.

I spoke on the phone last week with a new potential partner—another coach supporting working moms. We talked business for 20-minutes, discussed potential client engagements and rates, and then, with the most natural conversation flow, she launched into her pro-mom tips for my upcoming LA trip with my 7 and 10-year-old daughters. After I hung up, I took in both the simplicity and the gravity of what just happened.

In a 30-minute professional conversation, I was a focused business owner, advocating for myself AND I was a mom. Both roles were normal. Both roles were accepted. Both celebrated.

This is quite a different experience to what many of my clients are navigating in their corporate roles.

In our coaching sessions, each part of their lives is one that could bring them to a breakthrough on all parts of their lives. So we go there. Diving into their challenges in giving feedback to a nanny or family member provides insights on the issues they’re having in leading their teams. When we flow so freely between the topics, I often hear a sigh of relief.

“It’s so nice to talk about being a mom WHILE I’m at work.”

“I’m constantly compartmentalizing. I feel like I’m living a double life.”

“I feel like I have to hide one of the most important parts of me. And that’s exhausting.”

With my clients, we break through those fears of acknowledging their kids and the importance of being a mother—by experimenting with bringing those things into view in small ways.

If they lead teams, they ask parents on the team about their kids—in front of other team members—normalizing the conversation. Removing all judgment and shame from the topic.

They find that natural way to drop insightful comments about parenting or learnings from it that have impacted or transformed their thinking.

The dialogue is not all about flexibility, the leeway they need from a boss or the time they will be taking away from their jobs. While these are important pieces of the picture, and things to advocate for, my experience is that this is where we focus when we talk about being parents in our career—which is hard to sell as a win-win.

Parenting can be an additive experience to an employee’s life. It can bring them leadership knowledge before they ever become leaders in their career. It brings them joy. Clearly, for me, it brings me life stories to share with those who want to listen.

I begin each one of my corporate workshops or trainings with a story about my kids that’s relevant to the topic. It gets the biggest laugh of the day and it leaves my audience with the vision that it’s possible to be an expert on leadership, run a successful business and be a mom. And that’s exactly the takeaway I want them to have, so that if they so choose, they can do their own version of that, too.

Unlike most working mothers, my mornings are very flexible. My work-day officially starts after dropping my girls off at school, so I do that shift almost every morning. That said, my afternoons are chock-full with sessions, workshops, networking meetings and whatever other strange errands come with running your own business.

For a neighbor and friend who has an intense full-time job (and is getting her PhD to boot) mornings are a bit of a shit show. 8 am meetings for both parents and frequent travel makes getting everyone dressed, out the door and to their respective places of learning a major triumph.

That’s where I come in. When I get a text the night before asking to take her kids to school the next morning, I almost always say yes. Something so easy for me can make the odd shaped puzzle pieces of my friend’s morning line up. And when I have an afternoon childcare coverage gap and I’m off to give a workshop on Mastering The Work-Life Juggle (walking the talk, people), she’s always on it—as are all of the other moms in what feels like my underground working mom network.

In response to one of my clients who recently said, "I just don’t know how working parents in New York City do it. How is this all possible?"

Here’s how:

When we can take your kids, your dog, pick up something at the store for your sick family member—we do it.

When we can make life easier for you and help you simplify even a bit—we do it.

When we can help you feel like we got your back, you’re not alone and we are invested in your success—we do it.

And we know you would and you do—do it for us too.

It is an unspoken, but tangible agreement among us. Appreciation comes with happy kids who think they’re simply having another playdate, texts with fist bump emojis, the occasional bottle of wine, a continuing exchange of support and most importantly, an honoring of this agreement—this underground mom team—with the pursuit of our own successes and dreams.

Generosity with my time was not always a strength of mine. I guarded my hours with an iron fist, but I’ve learned that not only does helping feel good, but it’s also aligned with my mission of getting more women into positions of power. There is a knowing that by taking on some of the load where we can, we are fueling the progress, the power shift and the equity we want to see. In the process of lifting my mom team up, I’m building community and connection with people who are also going beyond what they thought was possible—which leaves this feminist mom and coach with a full heart.

As I tolerate a week of my dining table cluttered with chocolate kisses, markers and teeny handwritten notes with the most delightful misspellings in the lead up to Valentine’s Day, I’m struck by how exciting this holiday is to my kids. Sure, the candy is part of it, along with all of the reds, pinks and hearts, but there’s clearly more to it than that. It’s the love.

It’s a day of acknowledging—even in some small way—that we like each other or even that we love each other. That we belong with each other, even if and when we’re quite different from one another. Beyond the chocolate, it’s the unique displays of appreciation that say, I see you.

Kids get this and are solid in their practice of accepting and (let’s be honest) demanding the love that they require. As adult humans, we are fueled by this love and feeling of belonging. And yet, in our addiction to busy and quest for productivity, we often lose sight of it’s importance—until we’re depleted and lonely.

One way to turn this train around—to begin accepting and offering more love in your life—is to start with self-love. As the wise Brené Brown says, "When you get to a place where you understand that love and belonging, your worthiness, is a birthright and not something you have to earn, anything is possible."

Here are 3 ways to get started:

1. Prioritize something that brings you joy
Schedule joy into your calendar for at least one hour a week. Sure, you have a million things to do for other people, but your meeting with YOUR JOY is your most important meeting of the week.

2. Write a love letter…to yourself
Yes, it’s true the corniest sounding exercises can be the most powerful ones. I often ask my clients to write forgiveness letters to themselves. This one goes a step further. What do you love about yourself? It could be who you are as a leader, a parent or a friend. Or it could even be your adorable pinky toe hidden away in winter boots. Extol your many virtues in a note that acknowledges all you’ve been through and how you make people feel.

3. Do something that scares you
When you push yourself to do something you fear, you’re demonstrating a confidence in your abilities and a belief that you can get through it, no matter what happens. You are that resilient being who can move through heartbreak and loss—knowing that it was all worth it for the way you felt in that moment, for what those people—who are now gone—brought into your life. And that resilience fuels you for more growth, to continue to step into the unknown—which is truly where the magic happens.

So, no matter who’s in your life and who’s not this Valentine’s Day, you have the most important person—the one you truly need to make it in this world. Take care of that human. He/she/they have been through a lot. You’ve earned a piece of chocolate stolen from the dining room table and a movie at your favorite new theater with the reserved seats, or even a night out to a book-signing and talk about puberty…which is my big Valentine’s plan! Whatever it is, feel the love, own it, believe you are worth the possibilities and all of the warm and fuzzies that come with them.

I had the honor and the gift of attending a friend’s surprise 50th birthday party last week. After the shock wore off, the birthday girl sat aglow amongst 12 of her core people from every stage of life. The love in the room was strong and we were buzzed before the wine was even poured.

This is what it looks like when you dive into relationships with a full heart, the generosity to show up for people and the clarity to know what’s important to you in a friend. On the flip side, in my work with clients, often issues in their relationships arise and we notice that some of the challenges that show up in their careers are also present in their friendships. It is a lonely place to be.

They feel they can’t be completely themselves.

They don’t advocate for what they want or need.

They feel baited into drama and noise instead of what’s important to them.

They don’t feel seen or heard.

I like to remind them—you’re choosing all of that. If you’ve now decided you’re going to walk away from those dynamics in your career and you’re going to be a leader in your role—let’s practice by helping you become a leader in your life.

Who are you being with your people and who do you want to be?

What are you tolerating in your relationships and what are the things you will no longer accept?

In order to help clients set boundaries, we draw on an exercise I use with job seekers defining what they ABSOLUTELY need in their next roles. We get clear on the 5 non-negotiables for a next role like—flexibility, a boss who’s not an asshole, learning and growth—you get the idea. With clients struggling in friendships, we translate this to, "What are the non-negotiable qualities you need in a friend?" For me those five would be:

1. Respect (my time, my boundaries, me being me)

2. Vulnerability (can go there and can be present when I do)

3. Humor (either you make me laugh or you laugh at my jokes or BOTH!)

4. Depth (focus on the stuff that matters, not the petty drama)

5. Agency (you know you are in charge of your own life and you are proactive about shaping it)

When you figure this out, you can tweak who you’re being in relationships to make sure you’re in integrity with this list of qualities. In this process, there may be some bonds that don’t make it through the filter. If they don’t, it’s not always necessary to end the relationship altogether. Instead, you can keep these people in your life, but in a smaller way. You can decide to set different boundaries, see them less often and call on them less for your needs. They may not make it to your inner circle, but they can still be a part of your life in a way that works for you.

Of course, if the relationship is toxic and wearing down your energy and your health, you may need to walk away completely. Get the support you need in doing this. There was something you were getting out of that relationship—even if it wasn’t serving you. Breaking from that dynamic can be simultaneously uncomfortable and a relief for your soul. It’s never too late (or too early) to do this exercise. Whether you’re nearing your 50th birthday or just starting out after college—know that who you share your life, your dreams and your toughest moments with is your choice. And when you set intentions about who you want it to be, they show up in your life by surprise and to remind you of all the things you need most.

In a recent workshop with women business-owners and consultants, I stepped into a moment of pride as I shared the list of reasons many of us decide to go into business for ourselves. Of course, flexibility and choice of projects and clients top the list, and then there are the days you never leave your sweatpants.

But hands down, one of my favorite perks of running my own company is creating opportunities to work with friends.

In my corporate career prior to my transition to coaching, I was a leader fueled by connection and often built lasting friendships with colleagues. That said, since those were relationships that began within a career context—the lines of how to jump back and forth between the personal and professional were drawn within my muscle memory. It felt natural.

I’ve come to realize that while this felt easy for me—perhaps because I witnessed the modeling of strong, clear leaders doing it well or because I lean toward a style of over-communication—it is something that can present a challenge for many in both their own businesses and in corporate roles. Often I see clients in the midst of corporate restructurings and their colleagues, now friends, are being moved above or below them. It can feel awkward. It can bring up fear and anxiety for all involved. But as I like to say in session, “What if you looked at it in a completely different way?”

When you get the opportunity to work with or even for your friends, that’s when your career can become another level of fun.

Here are some ways I work with clients to address the anxiety of this transition so they can reap the benefits that are possible on the other side.

1. Set clear boundaries
Give yourself time for a deep think on what boundaries will make this relationship feel safe for you in both a personal and professional setting. Do you want to remind your friend of what personal things you would not want revealed at the office? Or do you want to ban all talk of the personal while at work? And vice-versa, when you’re out with your friend at a dinner or gathering feel free to tap her on the shoulder to say, “Let’s not talk about work the whole time.” When you are both clear about where to draw the lines, you can enjoy the benefits and efficiencies of working with someone you truly respect and admire as a human.

2. Create a habit of transparent communication
When the sticky moments arise, which they inevitably will, push through the discomfort. Be honest, vulnerable and clear. The more you can build this into a habit for your communication with your friend—both at and outside of work—the more comfort you will gain. You may have to talk about money. You will disagree. Set expectations that you know these things will come up and that sometimes you will both squirm, but you are committed to working through anything because this relationship is important to you.

3. Discuss what would create a win-win
If your friend has now become your boss, you may be looking at this situation from all of its negative angles. And, as with any aspect of life, if you seek the negative, you are sure to find it. That said, how can you look at this scenario so that you both get what you want? You can work together to discuss what success could look like for each of you, and then forge forward supporting each other in getting to those goals. Remove egos and the opinions of everyone else. Who cares how this looks to others. Become champions for each other’s goals. Become a power team.

While I clearly have my POV here and have experienced the joy of working with my people, only you can be the judge of whether you’re in a relationship that can span these two worlds. If boundaries and communication are tough in a personal relationship, most likely they will be challenging in the professional realm as well. That said, in the friendships where it does work, you can get so skilled at navigating these dual relationships that you can build a shorthand where the communication happens in a look, a tap on the shoulder or an emoji-only text. While this process may feel complex or fraught, remember we spend the majority of our time in our work, so why not choose to spend it with the people in our inner circle.