Writing on January 2nd is hard. The possibilities are endless—and yet so are the expectations. I want to jump into my year with a karate chop slicing through a cinder block, but I’m still processing my holiday break reflection, uncertainty about the new year to come and my exhaustion from entertaining two kids for nearly two weeks straight. That’s a lot of kid time for this working mom (Respect, stay at home parents.).
By far the most challenging part of starting fresh this week is starting fresh. Taking a step into a pure white canvas and bringing to it my inevitable mess. My optimistic, ambitious, well-meaning, out of practice, fearful, unrested mess. In my head there’s a dance party of perfect, pristine images that refuse to connect to words. So my goal right now: let them dance. Be where I am, which may be exactly where I need to be.
And where am I? 2018 was an exciting and successful year professionally, but an intense and exhausting year on the personal front. On top of living the busy life of a working mom of two, caregiving for my uncle with Parkinson’s kicked up a notch this year and moved into the foreground of my personal priorities. Heading into 2019 with even bigger goals for both business growth and writing projects while continuing to navigate my uncle’s care—leaves me with the worry that doing all I have planned may not be possible.
This is the fear that winks at my empty page, my blinking cursor, my new year, my blank slate.
But I don’t need to choose it as I often did in 2018. I fed that beast with stress and resentment and false helplessness. That is simply not who I am, but I was tired and angry. My work, my practice this year is to forgive myself for stewing and to excise that thought with surgical precision.
In the face of my new year with endless possibilities, I vow to:
1. Actively choose to believe what I want is possible.
2. See the beauty in the mess.
The mess means I’m bringing all that I am, including my fear to the work. This is what it looks like when you forge forward despite all the reasons not to do so. There will always be excuses to stand in one place. You need not look far to find them. When you ignore them, step into the uncertainty and challenge the naysaying with your action, you can find new confidence in course correcting back to your unique path. My path includes uncovering my fears and my solace in writing and inspiring and being inspired by my incredible clients—all while triaging multiple calls a day from and about my uncle. It is both beauty and mess and also fraught with lessons that are mine for the learning.